Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon
Dick Vitale.....Jay Mohr
Bennett Brauer.....Chris Farley



Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.

President Clinton was seen wearing a back brace this week. White House sources say he may have pulled a muscle trying to toss Whitewater documents up into the rotor blades of the Presidential helicopter.

The Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press this week criticized the Clinton administration for lack of openness, press blackouts, and being unavailable to the media. The White House had no comment.

On Thursday, Tonya Harding pleaded guilty to criminal conspiracy and obstructing justice. I guess this Whitewater mess is bigger than we thought, huh? Jeez, it never stops!

A plea bargaining ended her career as an amateur skater, and also ended Jeff Gillooly's career as an amateur hitman.

The plea bargaining ended her career as an amateur skater, and also ended Jeff Gillolly's career as an amateur hitman.

Tonya recieved three years' probation, was fined $100,000, and was ordered to do 500 hours of community service, followed by an extremely difficult triple-axle double-lutz combination.

After the sudden resignation of Webster Hubble this week, President Clinton nominated top Pentagon lawyer Janet Gorelick to fill the Justice Departments vacant #2 spot. Gorelick immediately prepared her resignation.

Well, Charles Kuralt announced his retirement Tuesday. That makes him the only prominent name to resign his job in the past two weeks who wasn't in the Clinton administration.

Kevin Nealon: Earlier this week, President Clinton finally responded to the seven questions on everybody's mind: Did he lie? Is Hillary guilty? Is he stonewalling? Were documents shredded? Is there a cover-up? Can he still fit into his Senior Prom tuxedo? And has he ever seen Lloyd Bentson naked? The President's response..

President Clinton : [ stomping his fist on podium on video monitor behind Kevin ] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Well, Bob Packwood agreed to turn over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee this week. Packwood said, "It frightens me that our private thoughts can now be seized by the government." A former female employee responded, "It frightened me that my private parts can be seized by an official of the government."

Ross Perot was interviewed on the Larry King Show this week, where his mere presence confirmed the urgent need for a Health Care Plan that covers mental illness.

Kevin Nealon: And Bob Dole passed his annual physical with flying colors this week, and his doctors say there's no reason the 70-year old senator can't keep working for years to come.

President Clinton : [ stomping his fist on podium on video monitor behind Kevin ] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Kevin Nealon: Alright. Okay.

This week, the Creators Syndicate announced that, starting around the first of May, former Vice-President Dan Quayle will be doing a weekly-written column. The column will appear monthly.

Due to construction, the Information Superhighway will be closed until further notice.

Kevin Nealon: McDonald's announced this week that, due to renovations, all their Washington, D.C. restaurants will be closed indefinitely.

President Clinton : [ stomping his fist on podium on video monitor behind Kevin ] No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

Kevin Nealon: Well, it's mid-March and that cna only mean one thing - the Oscars. Here with his March Madness Oscar Awards Preview, is Dick Vitale. Dick?

Dick Vitale: [ extremely hyper ] Oh, yeahhh!! Thank you, Kevin! Oh, baby! March Madness!! You can feel it in the air, baby! Oh, yeah! The Oscars! March 21st! Dorothy Chandler Pavilion! It's showtime, baby! Toughest region? Best Actress! No doubt about it, baby! Number-one seed is Holly Hunter in "The Piano"! Let's see her in action! [ various clips from "The Piano" are played as a montage ] Look at her act! She's silent but deadly! She ain't talkin' for no one! She's just playin' the piano! Ohhh!! The symbolism, baby! Oh, yeah! Holly's chief competition is Emma Thompson! But don't forget about the Kentucky Wildcats, guided by the little magician, Ricky Patino! In the end, though, Holly's takin' home the Oscar, baby!

Movin' on to Best Actor, baby! Tom Hanks is finally invited to the big dance! And he's got the number-one seed! Roll the clip, baby! [ various clips from "Philadelphia" are played as a montage ] Look at him act! They're all over him, but you can't keep 'em down, baby! He knows the law! That's right! He's got AIDS, baby! Nobody in this field's close to Hanks! He gets the Oscar!

In Best Supporting Actor, Dickie V.'s picking Ralph Fiennes from "Schindler's List"! This guy does it all! He shoots! He rebounds! He's a Nazi!

And Best Supporting Actress? Best Supporting Actress! Surprise, surprise! Out of nowhere, it's Purdue's Glenn Robinson! Oh, yeah!

And, finally, it's time for the biggie - Best Picture! Heading into the Final Four: I like North Carolina, Arkanas, "Schindler's List", and Arizona! And when the dust settles, it'll be "Schindler's List" over North Carolina at the buzzer!! Best Picture, baby! See you in Charlotte! I can't wait to see what Geena Davis wears! Wheelin' and dealin', back to Kevin Nealon! Oh, yeah! Back to you, baby!

Kevin Nealon: [ wipes up desk with a sponge, then squeezes the "saliva" out over the desk ] Hey, say it, don't spray it, Dick!

Dick Vitale: Take it easy, baby!

Kevin Nealon: Dick Vitale, everybody.

An Oscar footnote: Preparations are nearly complete for Monday night's show. To keep things running smoothly, the producers have asked ticktholders standing in line not to cut in front of Jack Nicholson.

Incidentally, Steven Spielberg's "Jurassic Park" has won the Flubby Award, as the year's movie with the most mistakes. The most glaring error: dinosaurs no longer exist.

The Space Shuttle landed in Florida yesterday, in the middle of Spring Break. To fit in with the collegiate hijinks, Shuttle astronauts touched down with tunes blasting and their bare buns pressed against the windows.

Well, there's a lot of controversy over this year's St. Patrick's Day parade, here in New York. The two warring factions here were split over whether to get drunk and throw up before or after the parade. I think they split it up nicely.

Beijing. in another sign of Western influence in China, the first Chinese Hell's Angels chapter was formed. The members of the group feel they will be taken more seriously when they get motorcycles.

Kevin Nealon: Tonight, Weekend Update is happy to welcome back with another commentary, Bennett Brauer. Bennett? What do you got for us?

Bennett Brauer: How are ya'? That's right, Bennett Vrauer, back with another commentary. Thought you'd seen the last of old Bennett, perhaps? Thought the network bigwigs would have sent Bennett and his negative.. [ makes quotes signs with his fingers, as he does before every quotationed remark ] .."Q rating" on a slow boat th ?? Well.. maybe I don't.. "look the part".. uh.. I'm not.. "svelte".. I don't.. "look comfortable on camera".. I'm not.. "sobby". I don't.. "understand what's going on in the news." I'm not.. "likeable".. I don't.. "get along with people".. uh.. when I go to work, I don't.. "make eye contact".. I guess I.. don't.. "fit the mold". I.. don't.. "wear the latest clothes".. ir, even ones that don't.. "reek"! Uhh.. I don't.. "change my underwear".. uh.. I'm not "buff".. uh.. I don't have.. "firm breasts".. uh.. I don't.. "exercise". And when I do sweat, I don't.. "shower". I'm not.. "spic-and-span".. I don't.. "clean the area between my crotch and legs". But, for the time being, I guess the network.. "enforcers".. are opting for my reproach, until Joe Consumer tells thems he'd rather get his two cents from commentators who don't.. "make babies cry".. and don't.. "drink maple syrup straight from the bottle".. and don't.. [ as he makes the quotes sign with his fingers, wires pull him in the air to create the illusion that he's made the gesture enough times to make him airborne ] .."leave old, dried-up deodorant cakes under their arm for weeks at a time".. and, uh.. I'm flying. I'm flying! I'm flying! [ the wires get caught in the lights atop the Update set, as Chris Farley hangs little more than three feet above the floor ] Holy Schnikes!

[ Kevin Nealon quickly gets up and attempts to untangle the wires from the lights ]

Kevin Nealon: You're almost flying!

Chris Farley: Do something, please! [ laughing hysterically ] I have a weight problem! Can't they lift me!

Kevin Nealon: [ laughing hysterically ] You're almost flying!

Chris Farley: This is live television!

[ the wires finally untangled from the lights, Farley "flies" in the air and hovers above the audience to wild enthusiastic applause ]

Bennett Brauer: Back to YOU, Kevin! So of a --

Kevin Nealon: [ camera back on him as he continues to laugh at the incident ] Maybe the cables.. [ makes the quotes sign ] .."didn't clear the light", ladies and gentlemen! Bennett Brauer, everyone. I'm happy for him - and I'm glad he's gone!

This week marked the 115th anniversary of the birth of Albert Einstein. Einstein is best remembered not as the creator of the formula e=MC squared, but, rather, as the "guy with the hair".

And celebrating birthdays today: people born on the 19th.

According to a recent survey, Mexican food is now the most popular ethnic food in America. In fact, many Mexican restaurants say that they had to add additional seating - mostly in their restrooms.

The Disney Company's upset that some home video copies of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" have stop-frame shots of a nude, bottomless Jessica Rabbit. When asked how much of his wife was revealed, husband Roger Rabbit said, "Plllllllenty!"

Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's.. news.. to me.

[ Bennett Brauer suddenly falls to the floor, crashing through a portion of the Update desk ]


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