20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

Captain Nemo.....Kelsey Grammer
Mr. Land.....Phil Hartman
Professor.....Mike Myers
First Mate.....Rob Schneider



[ TITLE CARD: "Kirk Douglas.. James Mason.. Paul Lukas.. Peter Lorre.. in.. Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" ]

[ dissolve to interior, the Nautilus ]

Captain Nemo! We demand to know where we are!

First Mate: Yesss.. and where are you taking usss?

Captain Nemo: Gentlemen, you are aboard this ship... - Nautilus.

Mr. Land: So, Captain.. you're telling us this steel monster can travel underwater?

Captain Nemo: That is correct, Mr. Land. All stations ready? Prepare for diving. We shall travel.. 20,000 leagues.. under the sea!

[ cut to later in the journey, as the crew is underwater ]

Professor: She is be-eauty-ful!

First Mate: Oh, yessss!

Captain Nemo: I knew you would enjoy it.

Mr. Land: So now we're really 20,000 leagues under the sea?

Captain Nemo: Well, actually, no, that's a bit of a misnomer. I misspoke. A league is actually a measure of distance traveled, and not a measure of depth, you see.

But, Captain, we're so deep! Surely, we must be 20,000 leagues under the sea by now!

First Mate: Yesss. 20,000 leaguesss! Under the sea!

Captain Nemo: Well, no. As I said before, I misspoke, you see. I should have said.. fathoms. Fathoms are what you use to measure depth! Fathoms, not leagues!

Professor: And so, we are 20,000 fathoms under the sea?

Captain Nemo: Yes. But, I mean.. I mean no. No. We could be. But right now, we're just about, uh.. 200 fathoms beneath the sea.

Mr. Land: Oh, I get it. So 200 fathoms equals 20,000 leagues under the sea?

Captain Nemo: No! No! now, look, I was obviously wrong to have ever even mentioned 20,000 leagues nder the sea. I simply meant that we would traveling a total distance of 20,000 leagues - lengthwise, while we happen to be underwater.

Mr. Land: So you're saying we're 20,000 leagues underwater, under the sea?

First Mate: 20,000 leaguessss! That's pretty deep, Captain!

Captain Nemo: Oh, let's start over. Could you habd me that globe over there, please? [ globe is handed to him ] A league is just about.. three nautical miles, you see. So, 20,000 leagues would be, say, three times around the circumference of the Earth - or, 16,000 miles! so you couldn't go 20,000 leagues under the sea, or you'd come right out the other end, and that's impossible!

Professor: Ah, yes! So we are going to the center of the Earth!

Mr. Land: 20,000 leagues under the sea to the center of the Earth!

Group: Ahhhhh!!

Captain Nemo: Mr. Land! You are not allowed to speak any more! That's an order! Now, Professor, look here, please. Notice that depth meter there, what does it say?

Professor: Uh.. 200 fathoms.

Captain Nemo: That's right! 200 fathoms! And what does the depth meter measure?

Professor: Mmm.. depth?

Captain Nemo: That's right! Depth! How deep we are! So.. Professor, think carefully, now. How deep are we?

Professor: 20,000 leagues under the sea!

First Mate: Is he right, Captain Nemo?

Captain Nemo: [ greatly annoyed ] Alright, look! Just everyone please sit down and take out a piece of paper!

[ cut to later in the journey, Captain Nemo trying to draw out simple measurements on the papers ]

Captain Nemo: Alright, what is this here?

Group: The Nautilus!

Captain Nemo: Yes! And what is this here?

Group: The surface!

Captain Nemo: Good for you! now, so.. this is the surface.. and the Nautilus is 200 fathoms below.. then how far down are we?

Group: 20,000 leagues under the sea!!

Captain Nemo: Why do you keep saying that?!!

Mr. Land: Well, because before you said we were 20,000 leagues-

Captain Nemo: I KNOW what I said!! But that doesn't mean you have to keep saying it!! "Where are we?" "20,000 leagues under the sea!" "What day is it?" "20,000 leagues under the sea!" "What's for breakfast?" "20,000 leagues under the sea!"

First Mate: Captain Nemo. There's a giant squid attacking the ship!

Captain Nemo: Oh, my God!

[ cut to the squid suddenly breaking into the Nautilus and grabbing Captain Nemo ]

Captain Nemo: Help me! The squid has me! Where could such a monstrous beast have come from?!

Mr. Land: I know, Captain!

Captain Nemo: Shut up!

Mr. Land: The squid came from 20,000 leagues under the sea!

Captain Nemo: Give me that! Give me your harpoon! [ Mr. Land drops the harpoon ] You idiot! Oh, my God.. my God..

Mr. Land: That's a big squid, Captain! Must be 20,000 leagues long!

Captain Nemo: That's right! It's a measure of length! Did you hear that, everyone? Very good! Very good! Aggghhhhh!!

First Mate: He's gone. He's gone.

Professor: The squid took him. Probably down deep.

Mr. Land: How deep, do you think?

First Mate: Real deep.

[ SUPER scrolls with narration ]

Narrator: "The entire crew of the Nautilus - all 20,000 leagues of them - searched for Captain Nemo for over 20,000 leagues and nights. 20,000 leagues later, they still hadn't found a trace of Captain Nemo, the man they called.. Ol' 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea!"

Voice of Captain Nemo: Noooooooo!!!!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts