93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

... Kevin Nealon
Operaman ... Adam Sandler

[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon. Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusses with his papers as his image continues to rotate on the screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon. Now, our top story:

This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testified before a congressional health committee. The executives said they believe nicotine is NOT addictive. They also testified that asbestos is a good source of fiber. ...

The president of the American Tobacco Company said cigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. He later clarified his statement, saying what he meant was that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than most cigarette smokers. ...

In a related story, this week marked the 64th anniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate the occasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very first Twinkie which is expected to reach its expiration date sometime next year. ...

Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteen thousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus the interest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundred dollar investment profit. Using a familiar explanation, the president said he profited but he didn't invest. ... [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.

A movement was started this week in support of the Menendez brothers under which money would be raised to help get the brothers out of prison and send them on an all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. ...

Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like to offer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposed text reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, public flogging by law is one hundred years old. Dick Clark. And, frankly ... I was stunned to think there was any place on Earth where a teenage boy could be stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks. Neverland Ranch. Admittedly ... some convicted felons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley. But some say justice must be satisfied. But who gets satisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped? Rick James. Others say ... this acts as a deterrent but no one can predict the future. Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spray painting cars but he's only eighteen and young people often do stupid and impulsive things they later regret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think ... that everyone's entitled to one mistake. Euro Disney. And I'm not saying there aren't ... those who I'd love to see get a good flogging. Urkel. It's just that ... I'm afraid we've become so insensitive that we've learned to accept the idea of a man's beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let's have some compassion ... [cheers and applause] Remember-- No, I'm just saying, you gotta-- Remember, justice should be tempered with mercy. These words from a wise man -- Bazooka Joe -- should be our watchword. ... And hopefully, before long, this boy can go on with his life and his story will be yesterday's news and long forgotten. Debbie Gibson. Thank you. ... [cheers and applause]

In other news, several brands of discount crayons, recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will be put back on the market and sold as pencils. ...

And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtime girlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, just a few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It is his fourth marriage and her first beating. ...

Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at some current events is Weekend Update correspondent Operaman. Operaman?

[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing, long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. He sings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English and mock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies. Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifies the singer's words.]

Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]
Grazia, Kevin, grazia.

[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle ...
Shame on you-ah
Por Whitewater
Una more mistako

[video from horror movie Leprechaun]
Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter ...

[image of building in Singapore]
Operaman vacacione
In Singapore
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore ...

[image of 1040 income tax form]
Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a ...
Mucho lira
Disappearra ...
No deductions
Don't get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY ...


[image of former basketball player "Magic" Johnson]
Senore Johnson!
El coache!
Teacho shooto
Teacho bounco
Justa promise
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer's headset]
No more announco ...

[image of magician David Copperfield and model Claudia Schiffer]
Coppa-feelo! ...
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo ...
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh ...

[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunny from his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guest Pearl Jam -- instead of another aria, Operaman's next item is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam's song "Evenflow"]

Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman's a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]
Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder's even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn't have a girlfriend-o
Oh, no-a!
Eeyo I'm not saying I'm gay I'm just saying there comes a time in every man's life when he questions his own sexuality!...
Oh no!

[cheers and applause]

I like-a to sing for you!
Dat's-a-no lie!
Operaman, Bye Bye

[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted with roses.]

Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and gentlemen!

[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps, saying "Bravo! Bravo!" etc. Operaman smells roses, waves, saying "Oh, yes!" "Thank you!" and "Grazi!" Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman. Queer. That was great. ...

Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its "dead end" street signs to the more genteel "cul de sac." In a related action, New York City will change its "dead end" street signs to "Nice going. Now you gotta turn around, you stupid bastard." ...

Well, Mattell announced this week they'll be introducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said a Tonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well, actually, it's not a doll, it's an action figure. ...

Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playing Secret Service agent James Bond in the movies. The announcement reportedly left producers shaken, not stirred. ... With Dalton stepping down, the search for the new James Bond is on. Leading contenders include Pierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell ... or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be the first Hispanic James Bond. ...

New evidence this week was found. Scientists are expected to use it to replace the old evidence. ...

The NASA launching of the world's most sophisticated state-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayed this week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More on that story as it develops.

In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam has discovered nineteen previously unknown works by the Dutch artist that he apparently printed over -- or painted over. The works were found by X-raying the canvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique and style of painting. [image of comic strip characters Nancy and Sluggo] ...

Taking a look now at the national picture-- [Kevin turns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah, there it is. ...

Female condoms went on sale here this week in the United States. The female condom is said to prevent pregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass. ... [applause]

And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner for naming his nightspot "Club Madonna." The club owner has filed a countersuit claiming "Club Madonna" is not the name of his club but simply a suggestion. ... [applause]

And now our final story. Doctors say the cure for baldness may be held in a prostate drug. The only known side effect? A hairy ass. ...

I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to be taking notes with a pencil on top of the Update desk as we pull back and fade away.]

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