93r: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
... Kevin Nealon
Operaman ... Adam Sandler
[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Kevin
[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers
and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.
Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin sits and fusses
with his papers as his image continues to rotate on
the screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of
Kevin at the desk.]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.
Now, our top story:
This week, seven top tobacco company CEOs testified
before a congressional health committee. The
executives said they believe nicotine is NOT
addictive. They also testified that asbestos is a good
source of fiber. ...
The president of the American Tobacco Company said
cigarettes were no more dangerous than Twinkies. He
later clarified his statement, saying what he meant
was that Twinkies have a longer shelf life than most
cigarette smokers. ...
In a related story, this week marked the 64th
anniversary of the Twinkie. To commemorate the
occasion, Hostess proudly displayed the very first
Twinkie which is expected to reach its expiration date
sometime next year. ...
Yesterday, Bill and Hillary Clinton paid fourteen
thousand six hundred dollars in back taxes, plus the
interest on an unreported 1980 sixty-five hundred
dollar investment profit. Using a familiar
explanation, the president said he profited but he
didn't invest. ... [hardly anyone laughs] Ah.
A movement was started this week in support of the
Menendez brothers under which money would be raised to
help get the brothers out of prison and send them on
an all-expense-paid trip to Singapore. ...
Kevin Nealon: Weekend Update would like to
offer this editorial opinion right now. [superimposed
text reads: Subliminal Editorial] In Singapore, public
flogging by law is one hundred years old. Dick
Clark. And, frankly ... I was stunned to think
there was any place on Earth where a teenage boy could
be stripped and paddled across his bare buttocks.
Neverland Ranch. Admittedly ... some convicted
felons deserve to be beaten. Leona Helmsley.
But some say justice must be satisfied. But who gets
satisfaction out of having people tied up and whipped?
Rick James. Others say ... this acts as a
deterrent but no one can predict the future.
Hillary Clinton. Yes, the boy admitted to spray
painting cars but he's only eighteen and young people
often do stupid and impulsive things they later
regret. Shannen Doherty. I happen to think ...
that everyone's entitled to one mistake. Euro
Disney. And I'm not saying there aren't ... those
who I'd love to see get a good flogging. Urkel.
It's just that ... I'm afraid we've become so
insensitive that we've learned to accept the idea of a
man's beating in public. Pee Wee Herman. Let's
have some compassion ... [cheers and applause]
Remember-- No, I'm just saying, you gotta-- Remember,
justice should be tempered with mercy. These words
from a wise man -- Bazooka Joe -- should be our
watchword. ... And hopefully, before long, this boy
can go on with his life and his story will be
yesterday's news and long forgotten. Debbie
Gibson. Thank you. ... [cheers and applause]
In other news, several brands of discount crayons,
recalled last week due to high levels of lead, will be
put back on the market and sold as pencils.
And, in Hollywood, actor Dudley Moore and longtime
girlfriend Nicole Rothschild tied the knot today, just
a few weeks after he was accused of beating her. It is
his fourth marriage and her first beating. ...
Kevin Nealon: And now here with a look at some
current events is Weekend Update correspondent
[Cheers and applause for the tuxedo-wearing,
long-haired, handkerchief-wielding opera singer. He
sings his entire commentary in a hybrid of English and
mock Italian, set to opera and opera-like melodies.
Just like at the opera, a superimposed text clarifies
the singer's words.]
Operaman: [sings, to piano accompaniment]
Grazia, Kevin, grazia.
[image of Bill and Hillary Clinton]
Bill and Hillary make dinero
On the cattle
Vince Foster murdered right
Before he tattle ...
Shame on you-ah
Una more mistako
[video from horror movie Leprechaun]
Leprechaun Lick-ah your daughter ...
[image of building in Singapore]
Spray paint grafitti
Now mi buttcheeks are sore ...
[image of 1040 income tax form]
Dat time of year-a
Tax time es here-a ...
Don't get discourgi
I found out you can
Write off 976-ORGY ...
[image of former basketball player "Magic"
[image of Johnson wearing broadcast announcer's
No more announco ...
[image of magician David Copperfield and model Claudia
Operaman no comprendo
Il dorko has hot girlfriendo ...
If she like-ah magic
Mi take-ah classoh
En two weeks
Pull a rabbit out of my ass-oh ...
[Cheers and applause as Operaman pulls a stuffed bunny
from his pants, tosses it away. Image of musical guest
Pearl Jam -- instead of another aria, Operaman's next
item is an operatic parody of Pearl Jam's song
Eeyo zama dama dingy dong
Operaman's a big Pearl Jam fan-o
[image of Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder]
Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo
Eddie Vedder's even better
Looking in person-o
Eeyo zama dama ding dong
I wish he didn't have a girlfriend-o
Eeyo I'm not saying I'm gay I'm just saying there
comes a time in every man's life when he questions his
[cheers and applause]
I like-a to sing for you!
Operaman, Bye Bye
[Huge cheers and applause. Operaman is pelted with
Kevin Nealon: Operaman, ladies and
[Kevin wipes tears from his eyes, rises and claps,
saying "Bravo! Bravo!" etc. Operaman smells roses,
waves, saying "Oh, yes!" "Thank you!" and "Grazi!"
Kevin sits. Operaman exits.]
Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.
Queer. That was great. ...
Albany, New York has proposed a bill to change all its
"dead end" street signs to the more genteel "cul de
sac." In a related action, New York City will change
its "dead end" street signs to "Nice going. Now
you gotta turn around, you stupid bastard."
Well, Mattell announced this week they'll be
introducing a new Nancy Kerrigan doll. They said a
Tonya Harding doll is also in the works. Well,
actually, it's not a doll, it's an action figure.
Actor Timothy Dalton has decided to quit playing
Secret Service agent James Bond in the movies. The
announcement reportedly left producers shaken, not
stirred. ... With Dalton stepping down, the search for
the new James Bond is on. Leading contenders include
Pierce Brosnan, Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell
... or federal judge Jose Cabranes who would be the
first Hispanic James Bond. ...
New evidence this week was found. Scientists are
expected to use it to replace the old evidence.
The NASA launching of the world's most sophisticated
state-of-the-art weather satellite has been delayed
this week because of bad weather. [few laughs] More on
that story as it develops.
In art, the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam has
discovered nineteen previously unknown works by the
Dutch artist that he apparently printed over -- or
painted over. The works were found by X-raying the
canvases and reflect a simpler, earlier technique and
style of painting. [image of comic strip characters
Nancy and Sluggo] ...
Taking a look now at the national picture-- [Kevin
turns to glance at a map of the United States] Yeah,
there it is. ...
Female condoms went on sale here this week in the
United States. The female condom is said to prevent
pregnancy by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
And, in Miami, Madonna is suing a strip club owner for
naming his nightspot "Club Madonna." The club owner
has filed a countersuit claiming "Club Madonna" is not
the name of his club but simply a suggestion. ...
And now our final story. Doctors say the cure for
baldness may be held in a prostate drug. The only
known side effect? A hairy ass. ...
I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.
[Cheers and applause. Music. Kevin pretends to be
taking notes with a pencil on top of the Update desk
as we pull back and fade away.]