93s: John Goodman / The Pretenders

New York Governor's Debate

Glenda Bach.....Melanie Hutsell
Gov. Mario Cuomo.....Phil Hartman
Robin Quivers.....Ellen Cleghorne
Howard Stern.....Michael McKean
Voice of Stern Supporter #1.....Jay Mohr
Voice of Stern Supporter #2.....Chris Farley
Reporter.....Sarah Silverman
Gary Dell'Abate.....Adam Sandler

Announcer: Live from the Empire State Civic Center in Albany: the 1994 New York Gubernatorial Debate. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. Here is this eveing's moderator, Chapter President Glenda Bach.

Glenda Bach: Thank you. We have with us, tonight, the two major candidates for the office of Governor. It is my great pleasure to introduce the Incumbent: Gov. Mario Cuomo.

[ Mario Cuomo very seriously steps up to his podium ]

Glenda Bach: And now, the Libertarian candidate, making his first run for public office..

[ Robin Quivers suddenly appears over Glenda's shoulder ]

Robin Quivers: That's alright, I'll take it from here. Hi, I'm Robin Quivers! Ladies and gentlemen, the King of All Media, Creator of Fart-Man, and the next governor of New York - Howard Stern!

[ Howard Stern enters the arena, holding out his arms to receive the riotous applause from his loyal fans and supporters, then steps behind his podium ]

Howard Stern: Alright, very good! Thank you, Robin! Thank you all for turning up - nice turnout!

[ Mario Cuomo sighs ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern..

Howard Stern: Yeah, it's Howard, honey - what is it?

Glenda Bach: It's customary to begin with the opening remarks from the Imcumbent.

Howard Stern: For him? Yeah, alright. JUst, uh.. just make it snappy, huh? I'm a busy man!

[ Robin laughs sycophantly at Howard's comments ]

Glenda Bach: Fine. Governor Cuomo?

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Brenda. My decision.. to run a third time as Governor of the state of New York.. was prompted by my convictions-

[ Howard Stern begins to laugh rudely at Cuomo's use of the word "convictions" in a sentence; Robin joins in laughing along with Howard ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, I'll have to ask you to wait your turn?

Howard Stern: Yeah, I know, but, listen - I heard him talking about "convictions", I gotta laugh! I mean, if the guy had any convictions, ah.. you know, he'd be putting murderers in the gas chamber! Where they belong!

[ Robin can't help but to laugh, as though on command ]

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern!

Howard Stern: Just stuff them all in there at once, make their parents watch!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing like crazy ] Oh, Howard..!

Howard Stern: Come on, it's all in my book!

Glenda Bach: Mr. Stern, please! This is the Governor's time!

Howard Stern: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch! Let's let him talk.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you. ..The conviction.. that our work is only half-done.. Now, we've made great strides economically.. socially..

Voice of Stern Supporter #1: We love you, Howard!!!

Voice of Stern Supporter #2: Stern rules!!! Woooooo!!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ annoyed ] ..and politically.. to bring this great state.. back into the high.. position of prominence that it-

[ Howard Stern interrupts with a belch, as Robin laughs ]

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ tries to continue ] ..The high position of-

Howard Stern: I don't know what is wrong with my stomach!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ still trying ] ..The high position of prominence that we once-

Robin Quivers: Well, what did you eat today?

Howard Stern: The same thing I eat every day: a broiled chicken breast - no skin - and a baked potato.

Robin Quivers: Oh, wow! Did you have any coffee?

Howard Stern: I don't drink coffee!

Robin Quivers: [ laughing ] Well, then I don't know!

Howard Stern: I don't know, either!

Glenda Bach: Governor Cuomo, the time allotted for your opening remarks is up.

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Well, Glenda, that's not fair. I've been interrupted continuously by Mr. Stern from the very beginning - now, you know that!

Howard Stern: Ah, don't be such a crybaby! Let me show you how it's done! Hello, I'm Howard Stern, I'm the Libertarian candidate. I'm here to touch on three things! One: bring back the death penalty, so we can get rid of some of this human garbage that we got wandering around the streets! Uh, Two: do something about these freakin' potholes I gotta drive over on my way to work! And Three, something I feel very, very strongly about: The new Strawberry-Kiwi Cocktail from Snapple! [ holds up a bottle ] Really. This stuff is so good, I-I-I can't even describe how good it is! Here, take a slug, Mario! [ Cuomo holds his hand up in resistence ] Come on, taste it, it's good, you'll like it, it's delicious, go ahead!

Gov. Mario Cuomo: [ takes a sip, seeming to find it refreshing ] It's very good.

Howard Stern: Alright, so you're not a complete jerk!

[ Robin laughs like a hyena ]

Glenda Bach: That completes our opening remarks. We will now take questions from the audience. [ looks to the sea of reporters ] You have a question.

[ an attractive female reporter stands ]

Reporter: Yes, I do. Phyllis Comfort, Newsday. What would you propose..

Howard Stern: [ excited ] Oh, man! You are hot! You got a hot little body on you, you know that? Turn around, let me see you from the back, honey!

Reporter: Actually, I'm here to ask a question.

Howard Stern: Well, if I get the right answer, will you take your top off? [ laughs ]

Reporter: The Teachers' Pension has been frozen at its current rate since 1990. As governor, what action would you recommend in this matter?

Howard Stern: I, uh..

[ Howard's producer, Gary Dell'Abate, steps up to Howard's podium ]

Gary Dell'Abate: How-howard..?

Howard Stern: Yeah, what is it, Fafa Fooie?

Gary Dell'Abate: Howard.. the car's here to take you to Hartford. Um.. you're doing a funeral for the WXRM morning man you destroyed.

Howard Stern: Alright, alright, very good. Uh, thanks, everybody, for turning out, I gotta go! Listen, I got a couple of plugs, a couple of plugs here! Uh.. you can catch Jackie The Joke-Man at The Comedy Pouch, in Newark, this Friday and Saturday.. don't forget to order my new video - 1-600-52-HOWARD.. and, uh.. oh yeah, one more thing: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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