93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson
Ed Bradley ... Tim Meadows
Andy Rooney ... Norm MacDonald
[Bumper for CBS' TV newsmagazine "60 Minutes": a
ticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent Ed
Bradley addressing the camera.]
Ed Bradley: As the old refrain goes, "People
who need people are the luckiest people in the world."
And then - there's Andy Rooney.
[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator Andy
Rooney who sits at the desk in his office, with his
jacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing the
camera in his irritatingly snide, cadenced
Andy Rooney: People are everywhere nowadays. It
seems like you can't go anywhere without bumping into
some people. People follow you when you're shopping.
They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they ask
you what time it is. People never know what time it
is. They have to ask you.
There are over four billion people in the world.
That's a lot of people. And I suppose most people like
each other all right. But I don't. I
don't like people and I never have. I
guess that makes me bad.
Advertisers are always using people to help sell their
products. [holds a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes
cereal] Here's something called corn flakes. It's got
a picture of some people on the box. I guess we're
supposed to think, "Well, these people like
corn flakes. I guess I will, too." [sets box aside]
But I don't think that. I don't like people. And I
don't like pictures of people either.
There's even a magazine now about people. [holds up a
copy of People Magazine with a photo of Clint
Eastwood on the cover] It's called "People
Magazine." This issue has a picture of some
fellow's head on the cover. I'll bet that's a good
article. [sets magazine aside]
Here's a box of letters from different people. [dumps
a large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there's
nothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.
[picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up to
the camera, one at a time] Here's one from -
Washington. This one's from - Ohio. Here's one from -
Here's one from - Paris, Texas. Now, I don't know
where Paris, Texas is - but I do know
this -- I'm getting pretty tired of cities in
Texas naming themselves after cities in France.
Here's one from Chicago. This one's from Iowa. Here's
one from Iowa, too. Here's one from Montana. This
one's from someplace called "Kansas City." Here's one
from Montana. Here's one from Arizona. This one's from
Las Vegas. Here's one from Virginia - and here's
another one - from West Virginia. This one's
from Indiana. I don't know where this one's
from - but it's yellow and has a big stamp on it. This
one's from Colorado. Here's one from Michigan.
I receive about one hundred of these letters every
single day. I never open them. I don't like
opening them. I set fire to them.
Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters to
put it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and I
dump it out of my window on the people below. People
don't like that much. But I like doing it to them. I
suppose that makes me bad.
[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing the
Ed Bradley: We'll be back next week with
another edition of "60 Minutes."