93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
... Kevin Nealon
... Norm MacDonald
... Adam Sandler
Captain Jim ... Tim Meadows
[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Kevin
[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers
and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon.
Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable in
his seat as his image continues to rotate on the
screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin
at the desk.]
Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin
Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executed
this week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other dead
clowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse.
Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated Circuit
Appeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. Supreme
Court. Asked about his plans after being passed over,
a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he'll immediately
stop paying his servants Social Security benefits.
A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay's
caned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars.
... Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sitting
on a gold mine. ... Yeah.
In medical news, it's been reported that a cardiac
arrest victim was recently revived with the aid of a
common toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton's
health care plan CAN work. ...
In other medical news, scientists have discovered that
a man can be frozen in a state of suspended animation
for up to five years without losing his job at the
post office. ... [some applause]
Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues to
dominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight's
Homophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondent
and homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers and
applause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit and
Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.
Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing against
homosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better or
worse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to be
afraid of them. It's no big deal.
Now, I'm here to talk tonight about this so-called
Whitewater scandal. Unless you've been living in a
cave for the past year, I'm sure you're familiar with
every tedious and confusing detail. Does the media
really believe that the American people CARE about
some land deal that took place over fifteen years--?
Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little room
Kevin Nealon: What?
Norm Macdonald: I'm tryin' to do this
Whitewater thing, you know, you're kinda
Kevin Nealon: You're sitting exactly where all
the Update correspondents sit, Norm.
Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well,
that works out good for you then, doesn't it? ...
Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues]
Anyways, my point is that I think it's about time the
media began giving the same kind of coverage to issues
like health care that-- [suddenly, to Kevin] Did you
just move closer to me?!
Kevin Nealon: What? No. I'm--
Norm Macdonald: It looks like you're
Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I'm in precisely the
same place. Now, just get on with your
Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just share
a chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in the
same chair? Maybe that'd be best. Save on chairs! That
could be your new policy! ... Man. [continues]
Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should not
shape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And I
think that, in the case of Whitewater, the public is
saying loudly and clear-- [suddenly, to Kevin] Can I
Kevin Nealon: What? ...
Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can help
Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I've had
about enough of this, all right? So why don't you just
do me a favor and finish your editorial?
Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you could
do me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe you
could, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else's eyes for
five seconds? Would that be all right? ... [continues]
Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an important
role in this society and that has been the role of
watchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watching
the watchdog? I mean, we - we all know who's watchin'
my crotch, right? It's ... buddy boy over here. [jerks
a thumb at Kevin] But, uh ... No president has ever
undergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has.
I wonder how well any of us would fare if our lives
were placed under the magnifying glass-- [suddenly, to
Kevin] I thought you were married or
Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look,
Norm, I've had - I've had it. Obviously, you're
implying something about my sexuality and I - I - I -
Why don't you just come right out and say it?
Norm Macdonald: No, I'm not implyin' anything.
I'm talkin' about Whitewater. I'm not implyin'
anything. Why don't you just go over some of your fake
news and I'll finish up here?
Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don't - don't think
so, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Be
Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I'm a man. I
am a man. I am a man. I'm just sayin' that, uh
... you're kinda that way, right? I mean, there's
nothin' wrong with it but you're, you know, you
prefer your own gender, that's all. You -
partake of the love that dare not speak its
name, right? ... That's all right. That's no
problem. I mean, you find the idea of being with a
woman abhorrent to your very core. That's okay.
You know, you're homosexual, right? You're gay. I
mean, you're - you're - you're a gay man,
Kevin Nealon: No.
Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou doth
protest too much. ...
Kevin Nealon: Look, why don't you just
Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!
Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald,
[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadly
and watches Norm roll off.]
Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of the
sun is over. You may once again stare directly at the
New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at a
conference when a businesswoman proclaimed that she
was imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomo
further by filing sexual harassment charges.
[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-up
that makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson in
the film "Batman"] And the Joker is back at it again
in Gotham. ... [applause]
[Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well,
the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-second
anniversary this week. As a surprise, they called in
all their tow truck drivers for a big party. The
drivers said they'd be there right away, then showed
up three hours later. ...
Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanema
was actually short and pale and old and homely.
In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crime
rate in the United States dropped by three percent
last year. Experts attribute the drop to an extended
European tour - [photo of smiling rap artist] - by
Tupac Shakur. ...
Spike Lee's "Crooklyn" opened yesterday. Reviews were
so positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel -- "The
This just in. Fabio has officially entered his
fourteenth minute of fame. ... Congratulations, Fabio.
[Kevin glances at side by side photos of "Hawaii
Five-O" actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter James
Taylor] Lord and Taylor. ...
Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for the
summer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler.
[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smiling
Adam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt,
holding his acoustic guitar.]
Adam Sandler: How ya doin'? Thank you. All
right. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin'
up, always meant one thing -- fallin' in love. And,
uh, as we all know, love doesn't always work out. But
what keeps us goin' is the hope that someday it will.
Here's a little song about that.
[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly before
singing the song in his usual high-pitched
Summer of '68, we'd walk on the beach and watch the
sea gulls fly.
Sunlight in her hair, her eyes were bluer than the
She'd hold me in her arms and tell me everything would
be all right.
But why'd she have to be my mother? ...
Why'd she have to be married to my dad? ...
Why'd she have to be my mother?
We could have been so much more
But she said it was best if we were just friends.
Oh Summer Love!
Summer of '71 -- my second love -- we met on the field
behind the school.
We used to play all the day in the sun, no one ever
made me feel that cool.
I'll never forget the way she looked in those silky
shorts that day.
But why'd she have to be my gym teacher? ...
Why'd she have to be fifty-one years old? ...
Why'd she have to be my gym teacher?
I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever
But she told me I should see the school psychologist.
Oh Summer Love!
In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In '82, it was a lady rabbi.
In '83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME - HE TOLD ME A
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!
[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro's partner
Captain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to the
Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] Summer
[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]
Adam Sandler: [sings]
Summer of '94 is comin' fast and I don't want to spend
I've made some mistakes when I was young, but I'm
gonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin' out
with all along.
I'm gonna go out with my mother. ...
I know what I said before but I think I can talk her
into it now. ...
I'm gonna go out with my mother!
I'll take her on a date to Burger King and this time
I'll pay. ...
Oh, Summer Love!!!!
[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer,
[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]
Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies and
Adam Sandler: Thank you.
Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.
Adam Sandler: Thank you.
[Sandler rolls off, the crowd still
Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] His
mother is pretty hot. ...
On the reproductive front, researchers say the number
one cause of pregnancy is sex. ... Interesting,
interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minutes
According to a study by the National Academy of
Sciences, queen bees are born with the ability to give
accurate directions. However, male worker bees refuse
to ask for them. ... [loud cheers from a few women
plus some applause]
[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes that
enclose their heads] The country's first singles bar
for really ugly people opened this week. ...
And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned the
new beer called "Crazy Horse Malt Liquor" because its
name offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-based
business says this will have no impact on their new
line of flavored Manishevitz called "Jew Brew."
I'm Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That's news to
[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fade