93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

... Kevin Nealon
... Norm MacDonald
... Adam Sandler
Captain Jim ... Tim Meadows



[Rotating globe in outer space. Music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon!

[ROTATING SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / KEVIN NEALON. Cheers and applause. Dissolve to a rotating Kevin Nealon. Dissolve to the WU set where Kevin gets comfortable in his seat as his image continues to rotate on the screen beside him. Dissolve to a closer view of Kevin at the desk.]

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.

Convicted serial killer John Wayne Gacy was executed this week. Afterwards, he and thirty-two other dead clowns were all piled into a tiny little hearse. ...

Well, yesterday, President Clinton nominated Circuit Appeals Court Judge Stephen Breyer to the U.S. Supreme Court. Asked about his plans after being passed over, a disappointed Bruce Babbitt said he'll immediately stop paying his servants Social Security benefits. ...

A publicist says exclusive pictures of Michael Fay's caned buttocks could be worth half a million dollars. ... Half a million dollars. Man, this kid is sitting on a gold mine. ... Yeah.

In medical news, it's been reported that a cardiac arrest victim was recently revived with the aid of a common toilet plunger. So, apparently, Bill Clinton's health care plan CAN work. ...

In other medical news, scientists have discovered that a man can be frozen in a state of suspended animation for up to five years without losing his job at the post office. ... [some applause]

Kevin Nealon: Well, Whitewater continues to dominate the headlines and is the subject of tonight's Homophobic Perspective. Here is Update correspondent and homophobic guy, Norm Macdonald. Norm? [cheers and applause for a clean-cut Norm in a brown suit and tie]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. Uh, first of all, let me say I have nothing against homosexuals. I think homosexuals are no better or worse than any of the rest of us. I just happen to be afraid of them. It's no big deal.

Now, I'm here to talk tonight about this so-called Whitewater scandal. Unless you've been living in a cave for the past year, I'm sure you're familiar with every tedious and confusing detail. Does the media really believe that the American people CARE about some land deal that took place over fifteen years--? Hey, Kevin, could you give me a little room here?

Kevin Nealon: What?

Norm Macdonald: I'm tryin' to do this Whitewater thing, you know, you're kinda close.

Kevin Nealon: You're sitting exactly where all the Update correspondents sit, Norm.

Norm Macdonald: Oh, is that right, huh? Well, that works out good for you then, doesn't it? ... Wonder who came up with THAT policy, huh? [continues] Anyways, my point is that I think it's about time the media began giving the same kind of coverage to issues like health care that-- [suddenly, to Kevin] Did you just move closer to me?!

Kevin Nealon: What? No. I'm--

Norm Macdonald: It looks like you're closer!

Kevin Nealon: No, Norm. I'm in precisely the same place. Now, just get on with your editorial.

Norm Macdonald: Hey, maybe we should just share a chair. Is that better for you? We could sit in the same chair? Maybe that'd be best. Save on chairs! That could be your new policy! ... Man. [continues] Anyways, the media, I have always felt, should not shape public sentiment but, rather, reflect it. And I think that, in the case of Whitewater, the public is saying loudly and clear-- [suddenly, to Kevin] Can I help you?!

Kevin Nealon: What? ...

Norm Macdonald: Is there something I can help you with?

Kevin Nealon: No. Look, Norm, okay, I've had about enough of this, all right? So why don't you just do me a favor and finish your editorial? Please.

Norm Macdonald: All right, hey, maybe you could do me a favor, too. How would that be? Maybe you could, uh, gaze lovingly into somebody else's eyes for five seconds? Would that be all right? ... [continues] Anyways, the, uh, media has always served an important role in this society and that has been the role of watchdog. But who, I ask you, who is watching the watchdog? I mean, we - we all know who's watchin' my crotch, right? It's ... buddy boy over here. [jerks a thumb at Kevin] But, uh ... No president has ever undergone the intense scrutiny that Bill Clinton has. I wonder how well any of us would fare if our lives were placed under the magnifying glass-- [suddenly, to Kevin] I thought you were married or something!

Kevin Nealon: I am married! But, look, Norm, I've had - I've had it. Obviously, you're implying something about my sexuality and I - I - I - Why don't you just come right out and say it?

Norm Macdonald: No, I'm not implyin' anything. I'm talkin' about Whitewater. I'm not implyin' anything. Why don't you just go over some of your fake news and I'll finish up here?

Kevin Nealon: No, no, no, I don't - don't think so, pal. Just say what you have to say to my face. Be a man.

Norm Macdonald: I am a man. I'm a man. I am a man. I am a man. I'm just sayin' that, uh ... you're kinda that way, right? I mean, there's nothin' wrong with it but you're, you know, you prefer your own gender, that's all. You - partake of the love that dare not speak its name, right? ... That's all right. That's no problem. I mean, you find the idea of being with a woman abhorrent to your very core. That's okay. You know, you're homosexual, right? You're gay. I mean, you're - you're - you're a gay man, right?

Kevin Nealon: No.

Norm Macdonald: [amused] No? Methinks thou doth protest too much. ...

Kevin Nealon: Look, why don't you just leave?

Norm Macdonald: Fine with me!

Kevin Nealon: Norm Macdonald, everybody.

[Cheers and applause as Kevin shakes his head sadly and watches Norm roll off.]

Kevin Nealon: Well, the annular eclipse of the sun is over. You may once again stare directly at the sun. ...

New York Governor Mario Cuomo was left speechless at a conference when a businesswoman proclaimed that she was imagining him naked. The woman then shocked Cuomo further by filing sexual harassment charges. ...

[Photo of Hillary Clinton wearing a hat and make-up that makes her look uncannily like Jack Nicholson in the film "Batman"] And the Joker is back at it again in Gotham. ... [applause]

[Logo of the American Automobile Association] Well, the triple-A of New York celebrated its ninety-second anniversary this week. As a surprise, they called in all their tow truck drivers for a big party. The drivers said they'd be there right away, then showed up three hours later. ...

Startling new evidence suggests the Girl from Ipanema was actually short and pale and old and homely. ...

In other news, according to the FBI, the overall crime rate in the United States dropped by three percent last year. Experts attribute the drop to an extended European tour - [photo of smiling rap artist] - by Tupac Shakur. ...

Spike Lee's "Crooklyn" opened yesterday. Reviews were so positive, Lee announced plans for a sequel -- "The Cronx." ...

This just in. Fabio has officially entered his fourteenth minute of fame. ... Congratulations, Fabio. [applause]

[Kevin glances at side by side photos of "Hawaii Five-O" actor Jack Lord and singer-songwriter James Taylor] Lord and Taylor. ...

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a song for the summer, is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler. Adam?

[Big cheers and applause as we pan over to a smiling Adam Sandler in cap, T-shirt and flannel shirt, holding his acoustic guitar.]

Adam Sandler: How ya doin'? Thank you. All right. Well, uh, thank you. Um, summer, for me growin' up, always meant one thing -- fallin' in love. And, uh, as we all know, love doesn't always work out. But what keeps us goin' is the hope that someday it will. Here's a little song about that.

[plays guitar and croons along wordlessly before singing the song in his usual high-pitched voice]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Summer of '68, we'd walk on the beach and watch the sea gulls fly.
Sunlight in her hair, her eyes were bluer than the summer sky.
She'd hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be all right.

But why'd she have to be my mother? ...
Why'd she have to be married to my dad? ...
Why'd she have to be my mother?
We could have been so much more
But she said it was best if we were just friends. ...
Oh Summer Love!

Summer of '71 -- my second love -- we met on the field behind the school.
We used to play all the day in the sun, no one ever made me feel that cool.
I'll never forget the way she looked in those silky shorts that day.

But why'd she have to be my gym teacher? ...
Why'd she have to be fifty-one years old? ...
Why'd she have to be my gym teacher?
I said I wanted to play flag football with her forever
But she told me I should see the school psychologist. ...
Oh Summer Love!

In 1981, I fell for Princess Di.
In '82, it was a lady rabbi.
In '83, it was the drummer from Air Supply.
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME - HE TOLD ME A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[spoken, deep voice] Summer Love!

[high-pitched crooning]
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[Brief cut to the audience where Pedro's partner Captain Jim sits and, with two thumbs up, sings to the camera:]

Captain Jim: [sings, deep voice] Summer Love! ...

[Back to Sandler at the WU desk:]

Adam Sandler: [sings]
Summer of '94 is comin' fast and I don't want to spend it alone.
I've made some mistakes when I was young, but I'm gonna put them behind me and pick up the phone.
And call the woman who I should have been goin' out with all along.

I'm gonna go out with my mother. ...
I know what I said before but I think I can talk her into it now. ...
I'm gonna go out with my mother!
I'll take her on a date to Burger King and this time I'll pay. ...
Oh, Summer Love!!!!

[song ends, spoken] Have a good summer, everybody!

[Huge cheers and applause. Sandler waves.]

Kevin Nealon: Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

Kevin Nealon: Good stuff, good stuff.

Adam Sandler: Thank you.

[Sandler rolls off, the crowd still applauding.]

Kevin Nealon: [after the crowd quiets] His mother is pretty hot. ...

On the reproductive front, researchers say the number one cause of pregnancy is sex. ... Interesting, interesting. The number two cause is sex ten minutes later. ...

According to a study by the National Academy of Sciences, queen bees are born with the ability to give accurate directions. However, male worker bees refuse to ask for them. ... [loud cheers from a few women plus some applause]

[Photo of people holding large cardboard boxes that enclose their heads] The country's first singles bar for really ugly people opened this week. ...

And, finally, the state of Minnesota has banned the new beer called "Crazy Horse Malt Liquor" because its name offends native Americans. The Brooklyn-based business says this will have no impact on their new line of flavored Manishevitz called "Jew Brew." ...

I'm Kevin Nealon. Have a good summer. That's news to me.

[Music. Cheers. Applause. Pull back. Fade out.]


Submitted Anonymously


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