Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1













94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Clinton Auditions

President Bill Clinton.....Chris Farley
President Bill Clinton.....David Spade
President Bill Clinton.....Chris Elliot
President Bill Clinton.....Adam Sandler
President Bill Clinton.....Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Farley dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I'm President Bill Clinton. Over the last several weeks, as the crisis in Haiti has consumed my attention, many of you might have noticed I've put on a few extra pounds. That's right, I've got a little bit of a weight problem! You see, ol' Bill has what doctors call a glandular disorder! Well, what in the Sam Hill.. are we gonna DO ABOUT IT?!! I'll TELL you what we're gonna DO!! We're gonna JOG!! We're gonna do some SIT-UPS!! We're gonna lift some weights!! We're gonna do JUMPING JACKS and CARTWHEELS!!

[ Farley cartwheels across the Oval Office set, crashing into part of the set ]

Director's Voice: Thank you, Chris.

Chris Farley: [ back on his feet ] Was that good, Davy?

Director's Voice: Very good.

Chris Farley: Was that all right?

Director's Voice: Yes. Uh.. great energy, Chris. Next!

[ David Spade enters set, also dressed like Clinton ]

David Spade: Good job, Chris. Go towel off.

Director's Voice: Are you ready, David?

David Spade: Yeah. Sure. Let's try it!

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, David Spade dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

President Bill Clinton: Okay, fellow Americans. Bill Clinton here. You want to know how I solved the Haiti crisis? Listen up. First, I called Jimmy Carter. [ mimes dialing phone ] Beep-boop-bop-boop-beep-bop-beep! "Jimmy. Bill. Sick of being a loser, one-term president everyone feels sorry for? [ snidely ] Uh-then get down to Haiti! It's called doing something useful - look into it."

Director's Voice: Okay, thank you, David.

David Spade: Uh..okay, I have one more. Uh.. the Prime Minister of Japan and I saw the movie "Wyatt Earp"; he said, "They should call it 'Wyatt So Long?'"

Director's Voice: Thanks!

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Elliot dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

[ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Chris Elliot ]

Chris Elliot: Uh.. Hal, before we begin-

Director's Voice: Uh.. it's Davey.

Chris Elliot: Oh.. sorry, I'm new here. Uh.. Before we begin, I'd like to, uh.. let everyone know where I'm coming from with, uh.. this Bill Clinton. Um.. after studying Bill Clinton for quite some time now, I've discovered that there's an astonishing similarity between our 43rd President and that other famous curmudgeon: the lat,e beloved W.C. Fields. So, with that in mind, I present.. my Bill Clinton!

[ Chris turns around to prepare his impression ]

Director's Voice: Uh, you've got about twenty seconds left, Chris.

Chris Elliot: [ back to camera, waves Director's warning off ] Ungh! Ungh!

[ Chris turns around to do his impression ]

President Bill Clinton: Ah, yeeeesss! Ah, yes! My little chickadee! Ah, yes..

Director's Voice: Uh.. ten seconds, Chris. Ten seconds.

President Bill Clinton: Ah, yes, Chelsea. Gwt away from me, kid, you're bothering me! Where's my drinks?

Director's Voice: Uh.. thank you, Chris.

Chris Elliot: Um, Hal, I'm just having one other thought here.. um.. Lou Costello! [ breaks into character ] "I'm a baaaad boy!" Something.. something like that. Use it, don't use it.. it's no skin off my nose!

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Adam Sandler dressed like President Bill Clinton holding a guitar ]

[ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Adam Sandler ]

President Bill Clinton: Hi. Hi, there, I'm Bill Clinton.. and I'm the President. You know, back when I was a little kid in Arkansas, I never thought I could be elected President, because of my thick Arkansas accent. But, uh.. I became President anyway, so I wrote a little song about it!

[ singing ]

"Love to be the President..
Love to be the President.

I'm the President, I think I'm so great Did you know grizzly bears like to hibenrate?
I like McDonald's, and Chelsea likes eggs
Did you ever notice Hillary's got big legs?

The White House has so many antiques.
I would sneak girls in there, but the floorboards squeak.
Got caught!

Pres-pres-presi-presi-presi-di-doo!"


Director's Voice: Uh.. okay, Adam, thank you..

President Bill Clinton: "Babies like it when you say, 'Goo-goo-goo!'"

Director's Voice: Uh.. next!

Adam Sandler: Uh, wait! I can also do his walk!

[ Sandler performs a comic walk ]

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Tim Meadows dressed like a black President Bill Clinton ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I feel your pain. Hillary and I were talking- [ breaks character ] I'm not gonna get this, am I?

Director's Voice: No!

Tim Meadows: Well, uh.. can I at least start the show?

Director's Voice: Okay.

Tim Meadows: Great! "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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