Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1







94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Steve Martin's Monologue

.....Steve Martin
.....Lorne Michaels

Steve Martin: Thank you, thank you! I am so excited to be hosting the first show of the 20th season of "Saturday Night Live"! [ audience applauds ] When Lorne called me, I told him I was so flattered that you asked me.. I mean, there's so many people you could have asked - Tom Hanks, what an exciting summer he's had.. or Jim Carrey, the new and exciting comedy star. And Lorne said, "Well.. they passed."

But it's great to be here back live in front of people. I mean, I love doing movies, because.. well, the movies are very important to our lives. I can still remember sitting in a darkenedmovie theater with my arm around 17-year old Mary Jo Rasmussin, trying to get to first base. I can even remember the name of the movie: "The Lion King".

But.. this is what I really love - standing up live in front of people. So, I wrote a little comedy monologue, and, uh.. I hope you like it! So, here it goes.

[ clears throat ] Have you ever been shopping? Well, uh.. the other day, ah.. I was in the supermarket, and I'm pushing the.. cart down the aisle.. [ laughs ] ..and you know how tough that can be! With those.. crazy carts! And I turn the corner, and I'm in the aisle.. with the soups! Well! There's so many different varieties of soup, you know, I really can't make up my mind! Because it's, like, a whole area.. of.. soup! [ laughs ]

[ Steve freezes in place, as his inner self emerges to evaluate the situation ]

Steve's Inner Self: Oh.. boy, oh boy.. this supermarket bit is dying! How can it be so bad? I mean.. when did I come up with this supermarket bit? [ thinking ] Hmm..?

[ dissolve to footage of Steve pushing a cart at the supermarket, with his two bodyguards in tow. He stops in the soup aisle, and loads his cart with soup. Close-up on Steve's face as a realization hits him. ]

Steve Martin: I've got my monologue!

[ cut to Steve discussing the idea with SNL's writing staff ]

Steve Martin: ..And I'm at the checkout stand.. and I've got a cart.. filled.. with soup! Because I couldn't decide on which kind! And the cashier's looking at me, you know, like I'm crazy!

[ SNL's writers laugh politely ]

Steve Martin: Doesn't that sound funny!

[ cut to Steve explaining the set-up to an NBC Page ]

Steve Martin: ..Me in a supermarket, and I'm trying to buy some soup. But there's so many different varieties, you know? I don't know which one to buy! So I'm loading up the cart - does that sound funny to you?

NBC Page: [ politely ] That sounds.. very funny..!

[ cut to Steve explaining the monologue to Lorne Michaels ]

Steve Martin: So, first I talk about, you know, it's an aisle completely filled with soup! Big laugh.

Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.

Steve Martin: Then I do.. the names of the soups. You know - laugh, laugh, laugh, applause.

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Steve Martin: Now, here's my question. Which is funnier - chicken with rice.. or gumbo.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] Gumbo.

Steve Martin: Chicken gumbo.. or just plain gumbo?

Lorne Michaels: Just plain gumbo.

Steve Martin: [ pleased ] Yeahhh.. [ laughs ] Yea-ha-ha-yeahhh!

[ dissolve back to Steve performing his bad monologue in front of the audience ]

Steve Martin: ..And.. gumbo! [ continues ] So, now, I'm back at the cashier.. and she's looking at me like I'm nuts! You know! So much soup!

[ Steve freezes in place again, as his inner self once again emerges to evaluate the situation ]

Steve's Inner Self: Oh, my God! I told him not to do this bit! Now he's going to be depressed all week. I know how it is.. he's going to be moping around the house, and then he's going to get out tapes of his old films, and we're going to have to look at them, over and over and over! "Oh, I was good in "The Jerk", wasn't I?" Oh, yeah, you were really good in that - fourteen YEARS ago!! And then he's gonna go on and on and on about the summer movies, you know? "I was this close to getting that part in "True Lies" - this close! But, noooo! They don't think of me that way! No, they don't think of me as an "action" star! No! They have to go cast Jamie Lee Curtis!

Well.. stick around, we have a great show. Eric Clapton is here.. Idiot is here! We'll be right back.


SNL Transcripts