Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1





94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream

.....Steve Martin
Bob Hillets.....Chris Elliot
Dave Marcus.....Kevin Nealon

Steve Martin: Hi, I'm Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That's why I'm proud to put my name on.. Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. Try my new beauty cream, and in a matter of weeks your penis will be looking smoother and softer, the way women like it. And because of the new formula no more scaling. Here's how it works:

Just take a small amount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half-hour. You'll notice a difference right away. And, don't worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Bob, tell us, how has my Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula helped you?

Bob Hillets: Well, Steve, I'm in real estate, and if I'm not confident, I can't do my job.

Steve Martin: And you can't feel confident unless your manhood is smooth and soft, right?

Bob Hillets: Exactly! If I'm thinking about my appearance, I'm not thinking about selling houses. The day I started using Steve's cream, I sold three houses. Now, I have more energy than before, my confidence is sky-high, I just got my pilot's license, and next week I'm flying solo from L.A. to Tahoe with nothing onboard except two jars of your cream.

Steve Martin: That's great!

Bob Hillets: Well, the best part, Steve, is that now I can throw away all those cans of turtle wax.

Steve Martin: Our next guest actually started using my new cream by accident. Isn't that right, Dave?

Dave Marcus: That's right, Steve. I thought it was for something else.

Steve Martin: And now that you've been using the product, how have you found it?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve.. I've found I have a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis than I ever had with other beauty creams, probably because it's the first beauty lotion made especially for the johnson. I'll tell you - if I could afford it, I would use your cream 24 hours a day.

Steve Martin: And, is your wife more attracted to you now that you've been using my cream?

Dave Marcus: Well, Steve, my wife recently left me, But before she did, she told me, "I hope you and your Steve Martin's Beauty Cream will be very happy.

Steve Martin: Well, that's a lovely tribute! Thank you, Dave. Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream.. New Formula. You know it's safe. Why? Because it's tested on animals. And, if you order by mail, don't worry - it's shipped in a plain brown wrapper with the words "Not Penis Cream" stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today, and remember, it's the only cream with a picture of my penis on it!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts