Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1













94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... Laura Kightlinger
Gil Graham ... Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits at the WU desk removing the paper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald and now -- the fake news. ...

Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that mystery envelope to be opened -- and it appears Simpson may already have won ten million dollars. ...

Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping down in two weeks, held a hasty garage sale of some knick-knacks he'd acquired while in office. [Photo of a mounted collection of skulls. Mild reaction from crowd.] ... You're big fans of the Haitian strongman, are ya? ...

Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab and Israeli negotiators, working through the night, accidentally resolved the baseball strike.

[Photo of documentarian Ken Burns with his trademark dorky haircut] And filmmaker Ken Burns announced that, following his "Baseball" series, his next documentary project will be a twelve hour, eight part "History of the Dorky Haircut." ...

Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirs this month. Readers were shocked by her revelation that, while living at the White House, she had sex with former President George Bush. ...

And now, with a commentary, here is Weekend Update correspondent Laura Kightlinger. Laura? [Applause as we pan over to Laura.]

Laura Kightlinger: Thanks, Norm. You know, I think it's important to stop and pay attention to what life can teach you. I was fired from a job recently and I think whenever something ends in your life, whether it be a relationship or a job, there's always a message. And that is: "You're no good. No one needs you." Now, what surprised me most about being fired was that everyone said the same thing to console me: "You know, everything happens for a reason." And as trite as that sounds, I think it's better to hear it out loud because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like "You know, anything can happen with a razor." ...

Now, you can't anticipate a life lesson -- it just happens to you. I was driving through Pennsylvania and I stopped at a gas station. There were about eight cars waiting for service so I went into the gas station to see what the heck was going on and there was shattered glass everywhere and an empty cash register on the floor. Finally, I found the attendant in the bathroom stall. His arms and legs were tied at the back of the toilet. He had an oily rag stuffed in his mouth and a bullet through the back of his head. And I said to myself, "My God! How could he do that to himself?" ... His business was booming! And then I realized -- the attendant had a fear of success. ... And that was a lesson that I needed to learn.

You know, two months ago, a man in Spain had a religious experience. He saw the hand of the statue of the Jesus bleeding. And a week later, a girl in Italy saw the Virgin Mary crying. And I'm happy to tell you, I've had a religious experience myself. I was at the Bob's Big Boy in Paramus, New Jersey ... and I actually saw liquid rust coming out of the butt of the Big Boy icon. ... And when it happens to you, it's like, "Well, all right, there's something out there." And, doggone it, that's my point -- there is something out there. It's all there for us. All we have to do -- is see it.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, Laura. [Polite applause.]

Laura Kightlinger: Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Laura Kightlinger.

Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to Anna Nicole Smith.

The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, was crowned last week in Atlantic City. Although completely deaf, she is an expert lip reader. Personally, [Norm covers his mouth with his hand] I don't think she's that pretty, y'know? I, uh-- ... Not ... [applause] Not my cup of tea. ...

Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo of blues artist Robert Johnson to help dignify the musician in a new stamp they've issued in his honor. [Before and after photos of bluesman Robert Johnson, with and without cigarette] This isn't the first time the post office has altered a photograph. In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp [Photo of stamp with young Elvis Presley singing into microphone] was based on this photo [Same image but with microphone replaced by a huge sandwich] ... King enjoying a hoagie!

A recent consumer poll shows that "Hershey" is America's favorite company, while "Philip Morris" is America's least favorite. In the middle -- the company that makes chocolate cigarettes. ... Right in the middle.

A South African professor claims that the Shroud of Turin was created in the Middle Ages, using techniques similar to photography. Backing up his claim is the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old "Your Face On A Shroud" concession booth. ...

Last month, an eighty year old Albuquerque woman was awarded over two million dollars in damages from McDonald's after she spilled some of their coffee in her lap and suffered severe burns. As a result, McDonald's this week has put a warning label on its coffee cups that read: "Caution: Do you think you can manage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotch this time, you senile old hag? ... Think you can manage that, huh?" ... [applause]

And "The Shawshank Redemption" picked up the New York Film Festival's coveted award for the stupidest movie title.

And now, here with this summer's concert reviews, is our very own rock and roll correspondent Gil Graham! Gil? Welcome.

[Applause as we pan over to oily, bespectacled rock fan Gil Graham who wears a colorful Led Zeppelin shirt and speaks with an intense half-whisper.]

Gil Graham: Thanks, Norm. Well, it was a long summer so let's dispense with the preliminaries and get to the rock and roll.

June 17th, Toronto's Exhibition Stadium. That's right, the Rolling Stones are back and yours truly had the best seats in the house. I had a date but she pulled the old no-show. So I walked over to a kick-ass tailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extra ticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets. They beat me without mercy for what seemed like an eternity. ... I woke up two hours later in a parking lot dumpster just in time to hear the Stones' rockin' encore, "Jumpin' Jack Flash." ... The acoustics in the dumpster were phenomenal. ... All I could hear was the bass but, take it from me, that new bass player can slap a funky one. ... So all you Stones fans out there, I advise you to do the Harlem shuffle to your nearest Ticketmaster.

July 8th, Giants Stadium, "Hell Freezes Over," the Eagles reunite. I did not attend this concert. I gave my tickets to two fourteen year old girls who promised to send me two thousand dollars. ... Ladies, I'm still waiting for my money. ...

August 1st, Foxboro Stadium, Pink Floyd, "Ready to Rock." Bought tickets from a scalper. ... Turned out to be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. ... I pointed out the scalper's mistake and he threw me down a flight of stairs. ...

Next stop, August 14th, Saugerties, New York. That's right, folks, Woodstock II. It was a celebration of peace, love and understanding. Except for this one guy. ... He snatched my backstage passes and locked me inside a Port-a-Potty. ... Then he tipped it over and, just my luck, it landed door-side down. ... There was no gettin' out. But that didn't prevent me from rockin' out to Blind Melon as I enjoyed my own private mosh pit. ... Aerosmith was just about to go on when I felt the Port-a-Potty start to move. I realized I was sliding down a mud-slicked hill, just before the Port-a-Potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire. ... I could hear Joe Perry whaling away on "Sweet Emotion" as I struggled to free myself from my flaming tomb. ... When I woke up in the hospital, I said to myself -- actually, I thought to myself since my lips were burnt shut ... -- "Woodstock once every twenty-five years? Count me in!"

Back to you, Norm, and, in the words of the Stones, "I know it's only rock and roll but I like it!" ... [applause, Norm shakes Gil's hand]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, buddy.

Gil Graham: All right, baby! [acknowledges applause with a nod and exits by scooting off on his swivel chair.]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler-- Gil Graham, it was-- I'm sorry, Gil Graham. ... Looks a bit like Adam Sandler. ... Take off that wig and the funny shirt, you know? Dead ringer for Sandler. ...

In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer is fighting his execution on constitutional grounds. He claims that, if he is hanged, his head will be completely torn from his body, which would amount to "cruel and unusual punishment." Now, having your head completely torn from your body is cruel, I'll grant you, but is it really that unusual? ...

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany, where his latest album sold five million copies this week -- which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff. ...

A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long Island Expressway yesterday. Hundreds of chickens crossed the road but nobody's been able to figure out why. ...

And that's all for now. Good night and good luck.

[Applause. Music. Norm grins and shuffles his unruly pile of papers.]


Submitted Anonymously


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