94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Laura Kightlinger
Gil Graham ... Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits at
the WU desk removing the paper clip from his
well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND
UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald
and now -- the fake news. ...
Yesterday, Simpson trial judge Lance Ito allowed that
mystery envelope to be opened -- and it appears
Simpson may already have won ten million dollars.
Haitian general Raul Cedras, who will be stepping down
in two weeks, held a hasty garage sale of some
knick-knacks he'd acquired while in office. [Photo
of a mounted collection of skulls. Mild reaction from
crowd.] ... You're big fans of the Haitian strongman,
are ya? ...
Another breakthrough in the Middle East. Arab and
Israeli negotiators, working
through the night, accidentally resolved the baseball
[Photo of documentarian Ken Burns with his trademark
dorky haircut] And filmmaker Ken Burns announced that,
following his "Baseball" series, his next documentary
project will be a twelve hour, eight part "History of
the Dorky Haircut." ...
Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirs
this month. Readers were
shocked by her revelation that, while living at the
White House, she had sex
with former President George Bush. ...
And now, with a commentary, here is Weekend Update
correspondent Laura Kightlinger. Laura? [Applause as
we pan over to Laura.]
Laura Kightlinger: Thanks, Norm. You know, I
think it's important to stop and pay attention to what
life can teach you. I was fired from a job recently
and I think whenever something ends in your life,
whether it be a relationship or a job, there's always
a message. And that is: "You're no good. No one needs
you." Now, what surprised me most about being fired
was that everyone said the same thing to console me:
"You know, everything happens for a reason." And as
trite as that sounds, I think it's better to hear it
out loud because when you hear it in your own head, it
sounds like "You know, anything can happen with a
Now, you can't anticipate a life lesson -- it just
happens to you. I was driving through Pennsylvania and
I stopped at a gas station. There were about eight
cars waiting for service so I went into the gas
station to see what the heck was going on and there
was shattered glass everywhere and an empty cash
register on the floor. Finally, I found the attendant
in the bathroom stall. His arms and legs were tied at
the back of the toilet. He had an oily rag stuffed in
his mouth and a bullet through the back of his head.
And I said to myself, "My God! How could he do that to
himself?" ... His business was booming! And then I
realized -- the attendant had a fear of success. ...
And that was a lesson that I needed to learn.
You know, two months ago, a man in Spain had a
religious experience. He saw the hand of the statue of
the Jesus bleeding. And a week later, a girl in Italy
saw the Virgin Mary crying. And I'm happy to tell you,
I've had a religious experience myself. I was at the
Bob's Big Boy in Paramus, New Jersey ... and I
actually saw liquid rust coming out of the butt of the
Big Boy icon. ... And when it happens to you, it's
like, "Well, all right, there's something out there."
And, doggone it, that's my point -- there is
something out there. It's all there for us. All we
have to do -- is see it.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, Laura. [Polite
Laura Kightlinger: Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Laura Kightlinger.
Scientists in Africa have discovered the oldest known
human ancestor, born 4.4 million years ago. Although
unearthed only days ago, he is already engaged to
Anna Nicole Smith.
The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone, was
crowned last week in Atlantic City. Although
completely deaf, she is an expert lip reader.
Personally, [Norm covers his mouth with his hand] I
don't think she's that pretty, y'know? I, uh-- ... Not
... [applause] Not my cup of tea. ...
Postal authorities removed a cigarette from a photo of
blues artist Robert
Johnson to help dignify the musician in a new stamp
they've issued in his
honor. [Before and after photos of bluesman Robert
Johnson, with and without cigarette] This isn't the
first time the post office has altered a photograph.
In fact, the original photo used on the Elvis stamp
[Photo of stamp with young Elvis Presley singing into
microphone] was based on this photo [Same image but
with microphone replaced by a huge sandwich] ... King
enjoying a hoagie!
A recent consumer poll shows that "Hershey" is
America's favorite company,
while "Philip Morris" is America's least favorite. In
the middle -- the
company that makes chocolate cigarettes. ... Right in
A South African professor claims that the Shroud of
Turin was created in
the Middle Ages, using techniques similar to
photography. Backing up his claim
is the recent unearthing of a two-thousand-year-old
"Your Face On A Shroud"
concession booth. ...
Last month, an eighty year old Albuquerque woman was
awarded over two million dollars in damages from
McDonald's after she spilled some of their coffee in
her lap and suffered severe burns. As a result,
McDonald's this week has put a warning label on its
coffee cups that read: "Caution: Do you think you can
manage to avoid pouring it directly on your crotch
this time, you senile old hag? ... Think you can
manage that, huh?" ... [applause]
And "The Shawshank Redemption" picked up the New York
Film Festival's coveted
award for the stupidest movie title.
And now, here with this summer's concert reviews, is
our very own rock and roll correspondent Gil Graham!
[Applause as we pan over to oily, bespectacled rock
fan Gil Graham who wears a colorful Led Zeppelin shirt
and speaks with an intense half-whisper.]
Gil Graham: Thanks, Norm. Well, it was a long
summer so let's dispense with the preliminaries and
get to the rock and roll.
June 17th, Toronto's Exhibition Stadium. That's right,
the Rolling Stones are back and yours truly had the
best seats in the house. I had a date but she pulled
the old no-show. So I walked over to a kick-ass
tailgate party to see if anyone wanted the extra
ticket. Well, it turns out they wanted both tickets.
They beat me without mercy for what seemed like an
eternity. ... I woke up two hours later in a parking
lot dumpster just in time to hear the Stones' rockin'
encore, "Jumpin' Jack Flash." ... The acoustics in the
dumpster were phenomenal. ... All I could hear was the
bass but, take it from me, that new bass player can
slap a funky one. ... So all you Stones fans out
there, I advise you to do the Harlem shuffle to your
July 8th, Giants Stadium, "Hell Freezes Over," the
Eagles reunite. I did not attend this concert. I gave
my tickets to two fourteen year old girls who promised
to send me two thousand dollars. ... Ladies, I'm still
waiting for my money. ...
August 1st, Foxboro Stadium, Pink Floyd, "Ready to
Rock." Bought tickets from a scalper. ... Turned out
to be stubs from a Molly Hatchet concert in 1974. ...
I pointed out the scalper's mistake and he threw me
down a flight of stairs. ...
Next stop, August 14th, Saugerties, New York. That's
right, folks, Woodstock II. It was a celebration of
peace, love and understanding. Except for this one
guy. ... He snatched my backstage passes and locked me
inside a Port-a-Potty. ... Then he tipped it over and,
just my luck, it landed door-side down. ... There was
no gettin' out. But that didn't prevent me from
rockin' out to Blind Melon as I enjoyed my own private
mosh pit. ... Aerosmith was just about to go on when I
felt the Port-a-Potty start to move. I realized I was
sliding down a mud-slicked hill, just before the
Port-a-Potty slammed into a barbecue and caught fire.
... I could hear Joe Perry whaling away on "Sweet
Emotion" as I struggled to free myself from my flaming
tomb. ... When I woke up in the hospital, I said to
myself -- actually, I thought to myself since
my lips were burnt shut ... -- "Woodstock once every
twenty-five years? Count me in!"
Back to you, Norm, and, in the words of the Stones, "I
know it's only rock and roll but I like it!" ...
[applause, Norm shakes Gil's hand]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, buddy.
Gil Graham: All right, baby! [acknowledges
applause with a nod and exits by scooting off on his
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler! Adam Sandler--
Gil Graham, it was-- I'm sorry, Gil Graham. ... Looks
a bit like Adam Sandler. ... Take off that wig and the
funny shirt, you know? Dead ringer for Sandler.
In Washington, a 410-pound convicted killer is
fighting his execution on
constitutional grounds. He claims that, if he is
hanged, his head will be
completely torn from his body, which would amount to
"cruel and unusual
punishment." Now, having your head completely torn
from your body is cruel,
I'll grant you, but is it really that unusual?
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge rock star in Germany,
where his latest album sold five million copies this
week -- which once again proves my theory: Germans
love David Hasselhoff. ...
A truck full of chickens overturned on the Long Island
Hundreds of chickens crossed the road but nobody's
been able to figure out
And that's all for now. Good night and good luck.
[Applause. Music. Norm grins and shuffles his unruly
pile of papers.]