Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2





94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

A Message from the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton.....Michael McKean

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Last Monday, Congress announced that no Health Care reform legislation will be passed this year. As you know, this was the key element in my domestic agenda. And that is why I come to you tonight. To make one.. last.. desperate attempt at Universal Health coverage. This plan is a little bit scaled down, that's why I'm nervous. We've cut a few corners. But it's simple, it's cheap.. and it fulfills my campaign promise to cover every single American!

Here's how it works:

If you are an American citizen - rich or poor, young or old, mixed or different - you will receive this Universal Health Care First Aid Kit! [ holds up First Aid kit, sorting through the contents ] It's got band-aids in here, ointment, bug spray! Here's an Ace bandage, in case you sprain your ankle while jogging, or something. The National Health Care crisis is over!

And that's not all. If you do get sick - and we all get sick at some time - you will receive this government voucher for one pint of blood! [ holds up voucher ] I feel your pain. Plus - and this is something we're very, very proud of - every American will receive this book: The Healing Power of Herbs! By Eugene Chow. [ holds up book ] This stuff really works! Oh, and uh.. y'all remember this? [ holds up small card ] That's right, this was the Health Security card that was gonna allow you to walk into any hospital, anywhere in the country, and receive free mwdical care. Well, you can forget about that.. But on the back of the card.. an illustration of the Heimlich Manuever. Every American can keep it in his pocket in case a loved one begins to choke.

During the campaign, Hillary and I met a man in Kentucky. He told us how he watched his dear wife choke to death on a medallion of veal. If our new scaled-down Health Care package had been in place at that time.. she'd be alive today. Her chldren would have a mother. And her husband would not live in terror of eating Italian food. This must pass! This must pass!

Now, to the naysayers who think this isn't enough, my answer is: The National Health Phone! Just dial 5-5-5-SICK. [ holds up phone receiver, and dials the number ]

Health Phone Voice: Hel-lo, and wel-come to Health Phone..

Movie Annuncer Voice: The vacation is over.

Male Voice: I need your wife to get me down to the river.

Movie Announcer Voice: Meryl Streep.. Kevin Bacon.. There's no way out, but down "The River Wild".

Second Movie Announcer Voice: Now playing at a theater near you!

President Bill Clinton: [ smiling ] Had to pay for it somehow!

Health Phone Voice: Us-ing your touch-tone key-pad, please en-ter the first three let-ers of the ill-ness you think you might have.. now.

President Bill Clinton: Right now, I'll just dial "S".. "W".. "O". [ keys in the letters ]

Health Phone Voice: You have chos-en.. Swoll-en.. Prost-ate.

President Bill Clinton: Bingo!

Health Phone Voice: For a spe-cial-ist in your ar-e-a, en-ter your five-dig-it zip code now.

President Bill Clinton: [ keys in his zip code ]

Health Phone Voice: There is a.. swoll-en.. prost-ate.. spe-cial-ist prac-tic-ing at 1-6-0-3 Penn-syl-van-i-a Av-e-nue.

President Bill Clinton: Well, that's right across the street! It's that easy! Congress must pass this bill! [ pounds desk with his free hand ] This bill is the best thing that could ever happen to any American! [ stops pounding ] Isn't that right, Health Phone?

Health Phone Voice: "Live.. from New York.. it's Sat-ur-day Night!"


SNL Transcripts