Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2





94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Marisa Tomei's Monologue

.....Marisa Tomei

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Marisa Tomei!

Marisa Tomei: Thank you! Thank you very much! It's an honor to be here as the host of "Saturday Night Live". Um.. but.. uh, before we start, I wanted to say something.. I just wanted to clear the air. There's this.. crazy rumor - some of you may have heard of it, some of you may have not - that, when I won the Academy Award for "My Cousin Vinny".. [ audience applauds ] ..that.. I didn't really win the Oscar. That, because Jack Palance accidentally read the wrong name off the teleprompter. But, uh.. that's just not true! [ laughs ] I won the Academy Award fair and square! And I was just the happiest I'd ever been, since.. um.. [ thinking back ] ..since I was named Miss Teen America. Thank you! Back in 1987, the year it was hosted by Jack Palance. Or, um.. three years later, when I stepped up onstage to receive - though.. I didn't think I was eligible for it! - the Heisman Trophy. From.. Jack Palance. Anyway.. the only award I've ever felt even slightly guilty about was when I was 16, and I was named Employee of the Month at Roy Rogers restuarant, by the Assistant Mananger.. Jack Palance.

Anyhow.. that's out of the way! [ laughs ] And.. I want to tell you how fun it is, to be here doing this show in New York City! The palce where I was born and raised! [ audience applauds wildly ] I live right down in the Village, and.. I know everything there is to know about New York. and tonight.. tonight, I'm gonna share a few "insider" secrets with you. For example: if you come to New York, and you want to know where to get a really great New York bagel.. there is a bakery here - it's called Sara Lee. It might be hard to find.. but, here in New York, they're in the frozen food section of any real New York grocery store. Make sure they're frozen - don't buy any of those bagels that have been standing out - trust me. Just go right back to the freezer section. And, um.. if you're looking for entertainment, and you want to avoid the crowds.. well, there's a show that only a real New Yorker can tell you about. It's right down the block from here - it's called "Cats". It's with a "C"! So if you're here in the city, go to see it before the word get out! [ laughs ] Oh! Incidentally, if you want to find what's going on there in entertainment - do what I do, and stop at a New York newsstand, and buy yourself one of these. [ holds pu a TV Guide ] TV Guide! Real New Yorkers.. never without it! [ laughs ]

Well, we've got a great show.. oh! Hang on, I almost forgot! New York Cheesecake. Also Sara Lee. Also buy it frozen! Okay. Bonnie Raitt is here, so stick around we'll be right back!


SNL Transcripts