Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 2

94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Making Better Love Workshop

Jimmy.....Chris Elliott
Patti.....Janeane Garofalo
Voyeur #1.....Chris Farley
Voyeur #2.....Adam Sandler
Wife.....Marisa Tomei
Husband.....Mike Myers

[ open on exterior, Garfield Elementary School ]

[ dissolve to interior, elementary school cafeteria, as married couples and a pair of mischievious voyeurs sit at tiny tables with their attention focused on Jimmy and Patti, Adult Sex Education teachers dressed only in white bathrobes ]

Jimmy: I want to welcome you all to the Making Better Love workshop.. part of the ongoing adult education program here at Paramus..

Patti: And, once again, we'd like to thank Garfield Elementary for the use of this space.

Jimmy: Yes, that's wonderful. Um.. my name is Jimmy, and this is my wife Patti.

Patti: Hi, folks!

Jimmy: And, as our flyers indicated, this is a free seminar. Um.. our goal here is.. well, to explore one another's sensuality.. uh.. open up the lines of communication between yourselves and your partners.. and do that all through sexual exploration.

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #2: Woo-ooh-ooh! Get to work!

Voyeur #1: Hoot hoot hoot! Rack 'em up!!

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: [ not yet disturbed by the outbursts ] Well.. we seem to have a rather enthusiastic crowd tonight.

Patti: Yes, we do! I think we have a great cross-section of the community, including some faces that might not otherwise be involved with continuing education.

Jimmy: I think you're right.

Patti: Uh-huh!

Jimmy: You know, I think there is one thing I should say before we begin, however. Um.. last week's get-together was.. well.. slightly marred by a few no-goodniks.. uh, who showed up to be comedians, apparently. Uhh.. hopefully, we won't have a repeat of that nonsense, and we can proceed in an atmosphere of mutual respect. [ notices a waving hand ] Yes?

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #2: [ lowers his hand ] Show us you boobs!

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Patti: [ sighs ]

Jimmy: Okay.. um.. uh..

Patti: [ beginning the class ] Well, now, uh.. the first step toward making better love is.. getting "in the mood." And I find that I like a little red wine and some soft music.

Jimmy: Yes! Uh.. I also like soft music. But, instead of wine, I opt for a bowl of tomato soup and a balogna sandwich. Um.. followed by something I like to call "El Dance de Seductionne". It goes like this - literally, it's a seduction dance! [ dances seductively ]

Patti: Now, right now.. I'm getting very aroused.

Jimmy: [ coughing ] Okay.. I'm gonna have to stop, though.. because my stomach's a little iffy from some, um.. improperly refridgerated catfish that I had a little earlier this afternoon. Film at eleven on that one, folks!

Voice of Voyeur #2: Hey, du-u-ude..?

Jimmy: Yes, sir.

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #2: Whip it OUT!!

Voyeur #1: LET's see that thing!!

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: Let's not have any of that.. Well, after the Seduction Dance, um.. Patti should be just about "in the mood." [ clears throat ] Patti? Are you "in the mood"?

Patti: Oh, yes! Let's do it! Let's do it now!

Jimmy: No! Not yet.

Patti: You bastard!

Jimmy: [ laughs, then turns to the learning couples ] Okay! I know what you're all thinking: Why is he tormenting and teasing the woman he claims to love? But please understand, this is just a game. A very sexy.. sexy.. game.

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

[ ]

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: [ flustered ] Uhh.. okay. Well, uh.. I guess.. um.. at this point, um.. Patti and I are now going to make love. [ Patti removes her bathrobe and lays out of view on the floor, as Jimmy notices Voyeur #2's camera ] Oh! I see you brought a camera. Are you going to be taking snapshots?

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #2: Just SHUT UP and DO IT, Jasper!!

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: Okay, well, uh.. you're right - enough fat-chewing, let's.. get right to it. Shall we? [ removes his bathrobe and leans down upon Patti ] Okay. Here we go. Now.. the first thing I like to do it locate Patti's breasts.. [ quickly finds them ] and, howdy-do, there they are! Right where they should be! Can everyone see?

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #1: Yeaaaahhh, baby!! Oh, YEAAAHHHH!!!

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: Okay now.. you want to squeeze those breasts, ever so gently, kind of.. well, maybe like you're kneading dough, or.. maybe you're playing with Silly Putty or what not..

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]


[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: [ upset ] Okay, now who SAID that?! [ stands up, covering himself in his bathrobe ] This is the kind of childishness I'm talking about here! Implying that my wife's breasts are bicycle horns! They are not! Now, can we please continue? [ removes his bathrobe and leans over Patti again ] I'm gonna get right to insertion now.. Patti, are.. are you ready?

Patti: Yes, I am and.. thank you for asking!

Jimmy: Okay, now.. for me.. insertion is a very tranquil.. well.. almost religious moment.

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #1: Ride 'em, partner!! [ laughs ]

Voyeur #2: Ee-hah!

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: Okay! again,, we're having a problem here! I am not a cowboy, nor is my wife a horse! We are simply two people trying to make love in an elementary school cafeteria! So, please.. we can either stop right now - because I'll tell you right now, Patti and I can do this at home!

Patti: And on occasion, we do!

Jimmy: Yes. Thank you, honey. So, what's it gonna be?

[ cut to Voyeurs' table ]

Voyeur #1: No! We'll be good.

Voyeur #2: Please.. just do it..

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: Alright, then. [ removes his bathrobe and leans in on Patti ] Okay. So, here we go, alrighty.. and.. insertion! [ a satisfied look on his face ] Okay. And the lovemaking has commenced. Now.. you want to keep movement to an absolute minimum here, because- [ jumps up ] Okay! We're done! Okay! [ Jimmy and Patti stand and cover themselves in their bathrobes ] Well.. that was nice. Uh.. any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes.

[ cut to Husband and Wife's table ]

Wife: We were at the session last week..

Jimmy: Uh-huh.

Wife: And, um.. our question was about the beer bottle. We got home, and we really didn't understand it.. and we were just confused..

[ cut back to Jimmy and Patti ]

Jimmy: Uh-huh. Well, I think I can answer that. Uh.. the beer bottle was actually something that was thrown at us. Uh.. that's not a sexual device, per se..

Husband: That explains a lot!

Jimmy: Yeah, sure. Okay.. well.. now it's time for what seems to be the most popular part of our seminar. Um.. where we invite you to come up here and make love to either myself or Patti. So.. Okay..

Patti: [ her mouth opens wide ] The meter! I forgot to put a quarter in the meter! [ quickly exits the cafeteria ]

Jimmy: Oh, geez! Oh, okay.. Patti's gotta run.. um.. I'm sorry. You know what? We're gonna have to cancel the audience participation, uh.. tonight.. But thank you for coming. If you enjoyed the seminar, please tell a friend.

[ the couples slowly exit the cafeteria, except for the two voyeurs who approach Jimmy while unbuckling their pants ]

Jimmy: Oh.. fellas, Patti left. She's not here.

Voyeur #1: We don't neeed no Patti! [ eraps his arm around Jimmy ]

Jimmy: Okay.. uh.. I don't know whether this gonna be healthy and fun, or scary and dangerous!

[ the two voyeurs sandwich Jimmy in between them ]

Jimmy: Uhhh.. please remember the Dance de Seductionne..!


Jimmy: Sir, that's not a horn!!

[ dissolve to exterior, Garfield Elementary School; fade ]

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