Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 2













94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... Mike Myers
... Tim Meadows
Cool Guy ... David Spade

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, straightening it up and removing the paper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I'm Norm MacDonald and this -- [holds up his sheaf of papers] -- is the news.

Potential jurors for the O. J. Simpson case were asked to fill out a seventy-five page jury questionnaire this week. In the entire state of California, only one person got a perfect score, Chow Ming Woo [Photo of little Asian boy] ... who after the trial plans to attend Cal Tech. ...

O. J. Simpson's new fitness video was released this week. And, hitting the shelves next week, Simpson's newest video, "Dorf on Stalking." [Doctored photo of "Dorf on Golf" video with Simpson's head superimposed on Dorf's tiny body] ... [some boos, some cheers and applause, Norm grins] Uh huh. The crowd is torn. ... [cheers and applause]

[Graphic of news article detailing pneumonic plague outbreak in India] Tourism in India has taken a dramatic drop recently. The State Bureau of Tourism has two theories. One: air fares have gone up slightly in the past year causing a decrease in travel worldwide. And two: The plague. ... [applause]

In New York this week, Sammy "The Bull" Gravano was sentenced to just five years in prison for committing nineteen murders. He better be careful though, because New York has just passed a tough new law: twenty strikes and you're out. ... [applause]

Four Pittsburgh children were found in a house strewn with garbage and human waste after they'd been abandoned by their parents for two weeks. The couple was charged with child endangerment. But, to their credit, they did bring the children a present -- a T-shirt that reads: "My parents left me for two weeks in a house full of human waste and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." ... [cheers and applause]

A comet hit the planet Jupiter last July and scientists now say the dark scars have almost completely disappeared. But the emotional scars will be there for a long, long time. ...

Ford this week recalled two models of cars saying that they might explode during refueling. At Ford, quality is Job One. And Job Two: "Making your car explode." ...

In sports, the National Hockey League board of governors rejected a late Thursday proposal by the players, clearing the way for Commissioner Gary Bettman to postpone the start of the upcoming season. Now, here, with a detailed analysis is Saturday Night Live hockey correspondent and hockey fan Mike Myers.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Mike Myers who wears a cap and a Toronto Maple Leafs jacket.]

Mike Myers: Thanks, Norm! Thanks, Norm. [pause, very upset] It's stupid. It's just so stupid! [pause] Back to you, Norm.

[Mike Myers smiles broadly as we pan back over to a surprised Norm. Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Mike Myers - with a - detailed analysis. ...

What's it like to lose thirty-five million dollars? Just ask Dale Sturtevant of Honesdale, Pennsylvania. That's how much he lost this week at a local convenience store when he failed to guess any of the six winning numbers in the state's Pick Six lottery. When reached for comment by Weekend Update, Sturtevant replied, "Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I bought a three dollar Lotto ticket, it didn't win. Why can't you leave me alone?" ...

Now, with more on that hockey postponement, here is Weekend Update correspondent Tim Meadows. Tim?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Tim Meadows in a suit and tie.]

Tim Meadows: Thank you. Thank you. The baseball strike I can deal with. But when it comes to hockey, nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger fan than me. In fact, around here, my nickname is "Little Hockey." ... Watch this. [waves to someone off screen] Hey, guys!

Off Screen Guys: Hey, Little Hockey!

Tim Meadows: See? ... [increasingly upset] What am I supposed to now that there is no hockey? Watch basketball? No. I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. ... But forget about me. What about African-American kids all over the country? ... They need their heroes. If an African-American kid can't look up to a Mario Lemieux or Mark Messier or Mario Roberge or a Guy Carbonneau or ... or Patrick Roy ... who can he look up to? ... I swear to God, there are only a few things that get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey! ... So, come on, you owners and players, I need my hockey. Like I need air or water or food or clothing or whatever. You don't want to make me mad! Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back to you, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Tim Meadows! [cheers and applause as Norm shakes Tim's hand] Good job, buddy.

Tim Meadows: Thanks. [Tim continues to steam]

Norm MacDonald: Tim - Tim "Little Hockey" Meadows. [Tim waves to the crowd as we cut back to Norm]

Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that her marriage to Billy Joel was over long before their divorce. The key moment, she said, came when she realized that she was Christie Brinkley and that she was married to Billy Joel. ... [cheers and applause]

This week, Disney released a new CD featuring a rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD will not include the controversial hit single "Cat Killer." ...

And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical "Cats." It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, "What the hell is this?" ... [applause]

The Food and Drug Administration announced today that while one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce of Special K with five ounces of milk is deadly poison. ...

Seventy per cent of diners polled this week said there should be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty per cent of diners said that restaurants should give away their food for free. ...

Fashion designer Giorgio Armani confessed last week to bribing Italian tax officials. He was sentenced to - He was sentenced to six months of wearing brown shoes with a blue suit. ...

And now with a look back at the week in review is new Update correspondent Cool Guy. Cool Guy?

[Cheers and applause for Cool Guy, a long-haired, gum chewing cigarette smoker who wears sunglasses and black leather. To the accompaniment of Pearl Jam's "Alive," he flicks his burning cigarette toward the audience and removes his sunglasses.]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Cool Guy, you coulda hurt someone by flicking your cigarette into the crowd like that. [Cool Guy scratches mouth and looks away indifferently]

Oh, I see. You're too cool to care, is that it? [Cool Guy winks, clicks his tongue] ...

Yeah. Now, uh, I heard you saw the movie Terminal Velocity this week -- how did - how did you like that? [Cool Guy winces while bowing his head] ...

Yeah, I felt the same way. So, uh, how does Nastassja Kinski look? Pretty hot, huh? [Cool Guy slowly nods, pursing his lips in agreement] ...

Yeah, but how's her acting? [Cool Guy raises his eyebrows and grits his teeth as if in pain, shaking his head slightly] ...

Ohhhh - oh ho ho ... Now, uh, now, Cool Guy, what about that Charlie Sheen? I hear he's off the sauce now. [Cool Guy rolls his eyes] ...

Geez, I - I heard he was. Uh, so how does he look in the movie? [Cool Guy puffs out his cheeks] ...

Ohh. You know, he's here tonight. [Cool Guy, startled, looks around nervously] ...

No, no, he's not. But, ah, that's funny when I tricked you there, huh, Cool Guy? [Cool Guy gives Norm a sarcastic smile] ...

So let me ask you, Cool Guy, is, uh, is this the whole joke, I mean, you just do this? You talk and-- You don't talk and you make funny faces, is that the whole idea? [Cool Guy thinks it over, reluctantly shrugs and nods, then, with a circular motion of his hand, signals Norm to continue] ...

Oh, okay, back to me. So, uh, listen, off the record, do you think by acting cool up here you may trick some girls into thinking you're cool in real life and possibly score with them?

Cool Guy: [after a pause, very quietly] Possibly.

Norm MacDonald: I got ya. If it happens, it happens, right? I hear that. All right, Cool Guy, ladies and gentleman.

[Cheers and applause as Cool Guy puts on his sunglasses and exits to Pearl Jam's "Alive"]

Norm MacDonald: Ohhhh. You know what's great about Cool Guy? He's cool.

Visitors to New York's Time Square this winter are in for a bit of a surprise. Crazy people will be shooting at them. ...

Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where his series "Baywatch" celebrated its 100th straight week as the nation's top TV show. Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff. ...

And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an adult film star. He has been signed to play himself in "The John Wayne Bobbitt Story." The part of his severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore. ... [cheers and applause]

And that's all for now. Good night. And good luck.

[Music as Norm shuffles his papers on the desk.]


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