94b: Marisa Tomei / Bonnie Raitt
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Mike Myers
... Tim Meadows
Cool Guy ... David Spade
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, straightening it
up and removing the paper clip from his well-organized
sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I'm Norm MacDonald and this
-- [holds up his sheaf of papers] -- is the
Potential jurors for the O. J. Simpson case were asked
to fill out a seventy-five page jury questionnaire
this week. In the entire state of California, only one
person got a perfect score, Chow Ming Woo [Photo of
little Asian boy] ... who after the trial plans to
attend Cal Tech. ...
O. J. Simpson's new fitness video was released this
week. And, hitting the shelves next week, Simpson's
newest video, "Dorf on Stalking." [Doctored photo of
"Dorf on Golf" video with Simpson's head superimposed
on Dorf's tiny body] ... [some boos, some cheers and
applause, Norm grins] Uh huh. The crowd is
torn. ... [cheers and applause]
[Graphic of news article detailing pneumonic plague
outbreak in India] Tourism in India has taken a
dramatic drop recently. The State Bureau of Tourism
has two theories. One: air fares have gone up slightly
in the past year causing a decrease in travel
worldwide. And two: The plague. ...
In New York this week, Sammy "The Bull" Gravano was
sentenced to just five years in prison for committing
nineteen murders. He better be careful though, because
New York has just passed a tough new law: twenty
strikes and you're out. ... [applause]
Four Pittsburgh children were found in a house strewn
with garbage and human waste after they'd been
abandoned by their parents for two weeks. The couple
was charged with child endangerment. But, to their
credit, they did bring the children a present -- a
T-shirt that reads: "My parents left me for two weeks
in a house full of human waste and all I got was this
lousy T-shirt." ... [cheers and applause]
A comet hit the planet Jupiter last July and
scientists now say the dark scars have almost
completely disappeared. But the emotional scars will
be there for a long, long time. ...
Ford this week recalled two models of cars saying that
they might explode during refueling. At Ford, quality
is Job One. And Job Two: "Making your car
In sports, the National Hockey League board of
governors rejected a late Thursday proposal by the
players, clearing the way for Commissioner Gary
Bettman to postpone the start of the upcoming season.
Now, here, with a detailed analysis is Saturday Night
Live hockey correspondent and hockey fan Mike
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Mike Myers who
wears a cap and a Toronto Maple Leafs jacket.]
Mike Myers: Thanks, Norm! Thanks, Norm. [pause,
very upset] It's stupid. It's just so stupid!
[pause] Back to you, Norm.
[Mike Myers smiles broadly as we pan back over to a
surprised Norm. Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Mike Myers - with a - detailed
What's it like to lose thirty-five million dollars?
Just ask Dale Sturtevant of Honesdale, Pennsylvania.
That's how much he lost this week at a local
convenience store when he failed to guess any of the
six winning numbers in the state's Pick Six lottery.
When reached for comment by Weekend Update, Sturtevant
replied, "Why are you making such a big deal out of
this? I bought a three dollar Lotto ticket, it didn't
win. Why can't you leave me alone?" ...
Now, with more on that hockey postponement, here is
Weekend Update correspondent Tim Meadows. Tim?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Tim Meadows in
a suit and tie.]
Tim Meadows: Thank you. Thank you. The baseball
strike I can deal with. But when it comes to hockey,
nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger fan than me. In
fact, around here, my nickname is "Little Hockey." ...
Watch this. [waves to someone off screen] Hey,
Off Screen Guys: Hey, Little Hockey!
Tim Meadows: See? ... [increasingly upset] What
am I supposed to now that there is no hockey? Watch
basketball? No. I'm sorry, it's not gonna happen. ...
But forget about me. What about African-American kids
all over the country? ... They need their heroes. If
an African-American kid can't look up to a Mario
Lemieux or Mark Messier or Mario Roberge or a Guy
Carbonneau or ... or Patrick Roy ... who can
he look up to? ... I swear to God, there are only a
few things that get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and
no hockey! ... So, come on, you owners and players, I
need my hockey. Like I need air or water or food or
clothing or whatever. You don't want to make me mad!
Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back to
Norm MacDonald: Tim Meadows! [cheers and
applause as Norm shakes Tim's hand] Good job,
Tim Meadows: Thanks. [Tim continues to
Norm MacDonald: Tim - Tim "Little Hockey"
Meadows. [Tim waves to the crowd as we cut back to
Christie Brinkley told reporters this week that her
marriage to Billy Joel was over long before their
divorce. The key moment, she said, came when she
realized that she was Christie Brinkley and that she
was married to Billy Joel. ... [cheers and
This week, Disney released a new CD featuring a
rapping Mickey Mouse. To avoid controversy, the CD
will not include the controversial hit single "Cat
And, in a related story, this week marked the 5,000th
performance of the Broadway musical "Cats." It also
marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and
said, "What the hell is this?" ...
The Food and Drug Administration announced today that
while one ounce of Special K with four ounces of milk
is a good dietary source of protein, one ounce
of Special K with five ounces of milk is deadly
Seventy per cent of diners polled this week said there
should be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty per
cent of diners said that restaurants should give away
their food for free. ...
Fashion designer Giorgio Armani confessed last week to
bribing Italian tax officials. He was sentenced to -
He was sentenced to six months of wearing brown shoes
with a blue suit. ...
And now with a look back at the week in review is new
Update correspondent Cool Guy. Cool Guy?
[Cheers and applause for Cool Guy, a long-haired, gum
chewing cigarette smoker who wears sunglasses and
black leather. To the accompaniment of Pearl Jam's
"Alive," he flicks his burning cigarette toward the
audience and removes his sunglasses.]
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Cool Guy, you coulda
hurt someone by flicking your cigarette into the crowd
like that. [Cool Guy scratches mouth and looks away
Oh, I see. You're too cool to care, is that it? [Cool
Guy winks, clicks his tongue] ...
Yeah. Now, uh, I heard you saw the movie Terminal
Velocity this week -- how did - how did you like that?
[Cool Guy winces while bowing his head] ...
Yeah, I felt the same way. So, uh, how does Nastassja
Kinski look? Pretty hot, huh? [Cool Guy slowly nods,
pursing his lips in agreement] ...
Yeah, but how's her acting? [Cool Guy raises his
eyebrows and grits his teeth as if in pain, shaking
his head slightly] ...
Ohhhh - oh ho ho ... Now, uh, now, Cool Guy, what
about that Charlie Sheen? I hear he's off the sauce
now. [Cool Guy rolls his eyes] ...
Geez, I - I heard he was. Uh, so how does he
look in the movie? [Cool Guy puffs out his cheeks] ...
Ohh. You know, he's here tonight. [Cool Guy, startled,
looks around nervously] ...
No, no, he's not. But, ah, that's funny when I tricked
you there, huh, Cool Guy? [Cool Guy gives Norm a
sarcastic smile] ...
So let me ask you, Cool Guy, is, uh, is this the whole
joke, I mean, you just do this? You talk and-- You
don't talk and you make funny faces, is that the whole
idea? [Cool Guy thinks it over, reluctantly shrugs and
nods, then, with a circular motion of his hand,
signals Norm to continue] ...
Oh, okay, back to me. So, uh, listen, off the record,
do you think by acting cool up here you may trick some
girls into thinking you're cool in real life and
possibly score with them?
Cool Guy: [after a pause, very quietly]
Norm MacDonald: I got ya. If it happens, it
happens, right? I hear that. All right, Cool Guy,
ladies and gentleman.
[Cheers and applause as Cool Guy puts on his
sunglasses and exits to Pearl Jam's "Alive"]
Norm MacDonald: Ohhhh. You know what's great
about Cool Guy? He's cool.
Visitors to New York's Time Square this winter are in
for a bit of a surprise. Crazy people will be shooting
at them. ...
Well, David Hasselhoff is a huge star in Germany where
his series "Baywatch" celebrated its 100th straight
week as the nation's top TV show. Which once again
proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff.
And, finally, John Wayne Bobbitt is going to be an
adult film star. He has been signed to play himself in
"The John Wayne Bobbitt Story." The part of his
severed penis will be portrayed by Pauly Shore. ...
[cheers and applause]
And that's all for now. Good night. And good
[Music as Norm shuffles his papers on the