Linda Richman.....Mike Myers
Barbra Streisand.....John Travolta
Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Linda Richman.
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I'm your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, daughters, dogs. Normally, it's no big whoop. But today there's big news. Barbra, Barbra, Barbra! (holds up three things) Her CD, her video, and her article in Vanity Fair. So in honor of that, with me today, hand to God, strike me if I'm wrong. Barbra Streisand!
Barbra Streisand: You look gorgeous Linda.
Linda Richman: Now, if you don't believe me. Let's get a close up of this (camera closes in on drivers license) It's her driver's license. Barbra Streisand Six-foot, one-inch weight: 185 lbs.
Barbra Streisand: That's right. I had my name legally changed, I had a little plastic surgery, and that was it.
Linda Richman: I want plastic surgery. I would love to have my neck lypoed. I'm starting to get a chicken neck. A woman my age should not look like poultry. Frank Purdue called for my number. Colonel Sanders put me on his speed dial.
Barbra Streisand: I think you look like buttah.
Linda Richman: Barbra here has her own one woman show and don't tell mama it's called "Color Me Barbra."
Barbra Streisand: Yes, and I'm trying to wear the same sailor's suit that I wore in my TV special in 1964 called "Color Me Barbra." It sets a type of homage to myself.
Linda Richman: That's a beautiful thing. I, however, am wearing the same top I wore to have a sebaceous cyst removed from my forehead. P.S.: Long story short. How long have you been impersonating Barbra?
Barbra Streisand: I don't impersonate her. I am her.
Linda Richman: Okay dokey, I can play that game. So what did you think of Barbra's - I mean your - article in Vanity Fair? You looked to die for.
Barbra Streisand: Thanks, thanks. People seem to love it. But I think people that don't need people are the luckiest people in the world.
Linda Richman: You know it made me so happy to read in the article that you were finally able to tell your mother "I love you." There I go, I'm all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. Ralph Fiennes' name is neither spelled Rayph nor Fines. Discuss! There I feel better. Let's go to the phones, the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we'll talk no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hello Barbra, what are you going to do for your next movie?
Barbra Streisand: Well, I want to do a movie on the differences between men and women. I want to be the kind of strong woman who can say to a man: "How dare you, you as a man, speak to me, me as a woman! I think you're full of crap!"
Linda Richman: That's a hard piece. Let me ask you something. Do you still have a pee-pee or do you tuck it?
Barbra Streisand: Well, why don't you come down and check for yourself by coming to Don't Tell Mama's Thursday through Sunday. I'm on after the Larry Stort Show.
Linda Richman: Sure, I'll be there. Our number is 555-4444 give us a call. Hello?
Caller #2: Yeah, Barbra, I think you're the greatest superstar there ever was. It's disgusting when they print bad things about you.
Barbra Streisand: Thank you, I feel.. I feel your love. But I think they're jealous. I do. I mean there's only one of me and let them walk a mile in my shoe.
Linda Richman: You should forgive me, but anyone who says anything bad about you should stick their head in the ground and act like an onion Sta staligize ziebe zieble sie koppen dradt (yiddish)
Barbra Streisand: From your mouth to God's ears.
Linda Richman: A bunch of mitz a metz a sebuzu provitzu a sessu a rockmunhez aun a scheinelmeidel..
Thanks to Robert Wilczak for this transcript!