Goodnights

Ross Perot.....Dana Carvey
.....Jay Mohr
Crazy Eggbeater Head.....Adam Sandler
.....David Spade
Neighborhood Dad.....Kevin Nealon



[ open on nighttime exterior, Dallas ]

[ dissolve to exterior front door of Ross Perot's house, as three children costumed as a mummy and a witch wander onto his porch and ring the doorbell ]

[ Perot opens the door ]

Kids: Trick or treaaaatt!!

Ross Perot: [ annoyed at the sight before him ] Trick or whaaaat?

Kids: Trick or treat!!

Ross Perot: Alright, let me get this straight: you put on a funny mask, I'm supposed to give you an Almond Joy?! Well, think again, Mummy Boy! [ slam his door ]

[ the kids simply ring the doorbell a second time, as Perot takes the bait once again ]

Kids: Trick or treaaaatt!!

Ross Perot: You again, is that it?! Okay, fine! I'll play your little game! Now, here's the deal: you scare me, you get a Baby Ruth! You understand?! [ examines first kid ] Now, what are you supposed to be?! Let me see, little boy! You supposed to be a ghost?! Is that it?! Well, there's just a boy under a sheet! Doesn't scare me at all! [ examines second kid ] Now, what about you?! Supposed to be a witch?! Is that it, you're supposed to be a witch?! Well.. if you're a witch, where's your broom?!

Little Girl: We just want soem candy..

Ross Perot: [ fuming, he won't be ignored ] I asked you a question! A witch flies on a broom! Where's your broom?! No broom, no candy! Good bye! [ slams his door ]

[ the kids retreat defeated, but another soon appears where they once stood. They ring the doorbell, as Perot answers. ]

Kids: Trick.. or trea-ea-eatt!!

Ross Perot: Well, that is a pitiful trick-or-treat! You can't even get together on that! Now, come on over here.. come on over here. Is this gonna go on all night? Is that the idea? [ examines first kid ] Now, what.. what the hell are you supposed to be?! I can't make hide nor hair what this is! What is that?!

Little Boy: I'm a Powe Ranger!

Ross Perot: A Power Ranger? A Power Ranger? You think you're a Power Ranger? Now, I know personally.. a United States Marine Corps Power Ranger - now you don't look a thing like him! You're disgusting! You make me sad! Get out of my face! [ moves over to examine a second kid ] Now.. that's a werewolf! That's scary! See, a werewolf will bite your head off, Power Ranger, whatever the hell you are! Now.. you're a werewolf, you scare me - you get sa Butterfinger! You two, try again next week! [ slams his door ]

[ ]

Trick or Treeeeat!

I'm Crazy Eggbeater head! I got an eggbeater on my head! Now give me some candy!!

Ross Perot: [ not the least bit amused ] That is just sad! You look like an idiot with a blender coming out of your skull! Now, unless you have a pituitary problem, or some glandular condition, you gotta be at least 17! Now, when I was 17, I was pumping gas, serving the United States Navy! You got an eggbeater on your hair, begging for some candy! You see?! That's the difference! I'm an American, proud and strong! You three are a bunch of freaks! Good bye! [ slams his door ]

Let's do it..

Yeah..

[ they step back, and begin to pelt Perot's front door with rotten eggs and run away into the night ]

[ Perot angrily opens the front door and hustles onto his porch ]

Ross Perot: What is that, is that all you got?! You're gonna throw some- hey! Come on back here! I've gotten people out of Turkish prisons - you think a little egg on my stucco can make me run and hide?! Think again!! I'm 5-foot-6, and naturally muscular! [ strikes a macho boxing pose ] I go downstairs.. then I go upstairs.. then I go downstairs.. then I go upstairs-

[ Neighborhood Dad steps onto the porch while Perot is acting foolishly ]

Neighborhood Dad: Mr. Perot!

Ross Perot: Now, what the hell do you want?!

Neighborhood Dad: My name is Judd McAlister!

Ross Perot: Is that right?!

Neighborhood Dad: That's right!

Ross Perot: Is that right?!

Neighborhood Dad: I live down the block-

Ross Perot: All right!

Neighborhood Dad: My son was here not twenty minutes ago! You made fun of his Simba costume - now he's home crying his eyes out. What do you think about that?!

Ross Perot: He should go home! It was a lousy sostume, didn't scare me a bit!

Neighborhood Dad: You threatened to put a razor blade in his apple!

Ross Perot: [ offended ] I did NOTH-ING of the SORT!

Neighborhood Dad: You didn't?

Ross Perot: [ jumpy ] Can I finish?! Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I fin-ish?! Can I finish?! Is there a chance I can finish?! You can go on all night - can I finish, can I finish, can I finish?! Can I fin-ish?! Can.. I.. finish?! [ quick pause ] Can I finish?! Caaan.. I.. finish?! [ pause ] I can finish? you're not gonna interrupt me? Alright. Now, do you know what a razor blade can do to a 6-year old's gums?! You want me to paint a picture for you?!

Neighborhood Dad: [ angered ] Look, Perot.. stay.. away.. from my child! [ exits porch ]

Ross Perot: I'm not in charge here, I just do what the volunteers tell me. Sad loser! [ slam his door ]

[ more kids arrive on Perot's porch and ring his doorbell; Perot answers the door wearing a Bill Clinton mask and a sign that reads "Draft Dodger". ]

Kids: Trick or treeeaat!!

Ross Perot: Now, what's the matter? You kids should run and hide! I'm Bill Clinton, the scariest man in the whole wide world! I'm gonna send you to die in a foreign land!

[ the kdis begin to cry ]

Ross Perot: [ lifts his mask ] Is that it? Is that it? That's enough crying - I say stop, right now. Now! I'll give you some candy. Is that what you want, then you'll stop crying? Okay. Say "NAFTA's bad!", and get a piece of candy.

Kids: NAFTA's baaaddd!!

Ross Perot: That's getting better! Now, say "Al Gore's an ugly idiot!"

Kids: Al Goooore's an ugly idioooot!!

Ross Perot: I like that! You can be my little kids!

[ candy is distributed, as the scene fades ]


SNL Transcripts