Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald ... Norm MacDonald ... Al Franken Hans ... Dana Carvey Franz ... Kevin Nealon [Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk and removes the paper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD] Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald! [Cheers and applause.] Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the news: Judge Lance Ito this week barred all potential jurors from reading Faye Resnick's controversial new book Nicole Brown Simpson: Diary of a Life Interrupted. The judge also barred them from reading Faye Resnick's other new book entitled Judge Lance Ito is a Big Fruit. ... In other book news, Prince Charles released an autobiography in which he states that he never loved Princess Di and that his father pressured him to marry her. The book is entitled Of Course, O. J. Did It -- I Mean, C'mon! ... And the Pope came out with a book this week which contains a series of essays examining faith and morality in today's secular world and the changing role of the Catholic Church as it approaches the 21st century. The book is entitled God Himself Told Me That O. J. is Guilty. ... [cheers, applause and much whistling] Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week, becoming the first English monarch to set foot in the Soviet Union. The visit, which will last for two weeks, is expected to have absolutely no effect on anything whatsoever. [mild reaction, Norm grins and nods to indicate that that's all there is to the joke] ... [brief pity applause] Norm MacDonald: Well, now that Election Day is just two weeks away, here, with his report on Campaign '94, Weekend Update political correspondent Al Franken. Al? [Cheers and applause for curly-haired, bespectacled Al Franken who wears a suit and tie. Norm shakes hands with Al.] Al Franken: Hello, Norm. Thank you. Norm MacDonald: Now, Al, uh, you've been covering these midterm races? Al Franken: Uh, yes. Norm MacDonald: Any general trends seem to be emerging? Al Franken: Uh, yes, Norm. This appears to be the roughest campaign year ever. Norm MacDonald: Negative campaigning? Al Franken: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've been covering politics for a long time and this is, without a doubt, the most mean-spirited year I've ever seen. Now, take for example, Massachusetts [scattered applause] where Senate challenger Mitt Romney is spending millions of dollars on attack ads like this one. Watch. [Dissolve to ad with photo of a ruddy-faced Ted Kennedy accompanied by minor key music and a deep-throated, smarmy announcer's voice over.] Announcer V/O: On October 14th, 1978, Ted Kennedy is seen puking in the parking lot of the U.S. Capitol. ... On February 8th, 1983, Kennedy relieves himself on the leg of a Georgetown waitress. ... Two years later, Kennedy passes out on the floor of the Senate, soiling himself in the process. ... Kennedy -- He's a big, fat drunk. ... [Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al and Norm at the desk.] Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, that was tough. Al Franken: It's a tough year. Tough year. ... And it's really become a no-holds barred contest. Uh, watch this. This is one of Kennedy's attack ads on Romney. [Dissolve to another ad with minor key music and a deep-throated, smarmy announcer's voice over.] Announcer V/O: [Image of Brigham Young] Mormon prophet Brigham Young believed that a man ought to have as many wives as he wants. Apparently, Mitt Romney agrees. [Side by side images of Young and Romney] After all, he's a Mormon. [Upbeat trumpet fanfare as we dissolve to a photo of Mr. and Mrs. Ted Kennedy.] Ted Kennedy -- One Wife at a Time. ... [Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al and Norm at the desk.] Norm MacDonald: Okay, so Massachusetts, then, is the nation's dirtiest race. Al Franken: Oh, no. No, uh, I want you to watch this one. It's a Huffington ad run in California and the key here is that this is run only on Christian cable stations. Watch this. [Dissolve to a third ad with photo of Diane Feinstein accompanied by even darker minor key music and an even more snide announcer's voice over.] Announcer V/O: Diane Feinstein is against prayer in school. And no wonder. She's a Jew. ... [Dissolve back to Al and Norm at the desk, both shaking their heads.] Norm MacDonald: Man, that was - that - that was ugly. ... Al Franken: It was ugly. It's an ugly year. ... Norm MacDonald: Well, that has to be the most unprincipled ad in the country. Al Franken: You know, that's what I thought, Norm ... I saw this Pataki ad run right here in New York, an attack ad on Governor Cuomo. Let's watch this. [Dissolve to a fourth ad, similar to the others, with a photo of Mario Cuomo.] Announcer V/O: Mario Cuomo says he's tough on crime. But what Mario Cuomo will not tell you is that in 1968, he was involved in a chainsaw massacre. ... [Footage of a chain saw being switched on and someone brutally thrusting the chainsaw into a man's crotch] Cuomo -- He's a Murderer. ... [Cheers and applause as we dissolve back to Al and a stunned Norm.] Al Franken: That's - That's a negative ad. ... Norm MacDonald: Man, well, at least, that's, uh, that's the worst one. Al Franken: Yeah, but, uh, remember, Norm, there's still two and a half weeks left in the campaign. [grins broadly] Norm MacDonald: Thanks, Al. Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen! [Cheers and applause, Norm shakes hands with Al] Al Franken: Thank you. Norm MacDonald: Al Franken! To discourage worship of the Dalai Lama, the Chinese government has banned all photos of the exiled Tibetan leader, except for this photo from the 70's. [Doctored photo of Dalai Lama wearing long sideburns, a loud, wide-collared shirt and a matching jacket and pants ensemble.] ... [Photo of Princess Diana standing next to a geeky, starstruck uniformed doorman] New York City doorman Lenny Ladenhoff nearly fell over from shock when Princess Diana confided to him that she was feeling horny ... and invited him to drop by her hotel suite Thursday evening. Way to go Lenny! ... [brief applause] Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn has announced plans for a new hotel forty-six stories high set on a seventeen acre island in the middle of a fifty acre artificial lake on the Las Vegas strip. In a related story, Motel 6 now has shampoo. ... Helmut Kohl was elected to his fourth term as Germany's chancellor this week. Experts say Mr. Kohl's success was guaranteed after he won the backing of singing sensation David Hasselhoff. ... Which once again proves my old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff. ... [applause] Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a commentary ... [crowd squeals with delight] ... Hans and Franz! [Cheers and applause for Hans and Franz, former TV hosts of an informative training program for the serious weightlifter. A vocal arrangement of what sounds like a J. K. Emmett yodel accompanies their arrival. They wear gray sweat shirts over their muscular bodies, are each missing a tooth at the front of their mouths, and continually flex and pose throughout their commentary, which they speak with thick Austrian accents.] Hans: All right. All right. Franz: All right. Hans: Yeah, thank you very much. Long time, no see. I am Hans. Franz: Ya! And I am Franz and we just want to give-- Hans and Franz: [clap their hands] An editorial! ... Hans: All right. That's right. But first of all, we have to apologize. Franz: Yeah, that's right, Hans. It must be very frustrating for you to see our properly pumped-up bodies crammed behind this puny little desk. Hans: Ya! You know, we came back from a sabbatical and then we said, "Where's our spacious gymnasium?" And they said-- [falters, overcome with emotion] Ya, they said-- Franz: Say it, Hans. Hans: Ya, right. They said they threw it out! Franz: Ya, ya, right in the garbage. Our beautiful gymnasium! Hans: Life-size cut-outs of Arnold -- irreplaceable! ... Franz: That's right. All of it, gone. And they say, "Why don't you just do an editorial on Update?" Hans: Yeah, Update -- where reoccurring characters go to die! Franz: That's right. ... Hear me now, we are not here to talk. We are here to give-- Hans and Franz: [clap] Warnings! Franz: To all the other reoccurring characters. Hans: Yes, hear me now and believe me later ... Enjoy your popularity while it lasts -- because it all ends up at this desk right here. ... Franz: That's right, Hans. Ya, that's right. You - you hear that, "Coffee Talk" Lady? Hans: Ya, more like Flabby Talk Lady! Franz: Ya, ya, the Update graveyard is calling. Yoo-hoo! Hans: Yoo-hoo, hello, "Coffee Talk" Lady! Hello! We could crush you like a fly between our muscular buttocks but then you'd get all verklempt! ... Franz: Ya. Ya, and you, too, Stuart Smalley, you sensitive, pathetic girly-man. ... Because you're puny enough, you're flabby enough and, doggone it, you're a loser. ... [cheers and applause] Hans: Ya! Ya, that's right, Stuart Smalley. Your muscles are so puny they don't even register on the Flab-o-meter. ... Franz: Ya, that's right. Ya, believe me, if you saw it, you would be flab-bergasted. ... Hans: That's right. And you, too, Mr. Motivated Speaker. Franz: Ya, that's right. You might be living in a van down by the river now -- but soon you will be living in a new - in a van down by the Update desk! Hans: That's right. Franz: Next to Hans and Franz and-- Hans: That's right. Franz: [to Norm] --and what is your name? Twiggy? Hans: Twiggy Man here. [to Norm] What's your name, Twiggy? What is it? Norm MacDonald: Norm. Norm, Norm. Hans: Norm. Franz: Next to Hans and Franz and Twiggy. Hans: Ya! That's right. Twiggy Man. ... Norm MacDonald: Look, guys, we really don't have time for this. Do you have anything else to say? Hans: [to Norm] We don't have time for this? What do we have time for? Franz: [to Norm] All right. Yeah, we're just about finished. You know, the guy who was here before you was much nicer. ... [extended cheers and applause - Kevin Nealon, playing Franz, was the previous Update anchor] Hans: All right. Now, it's okay. You know, we all have to have a sense of humor. [to Norm] Don't get your puny muscles all in a little bunch. [to the camera] Once again, I am Hans. Franz: Ya. And I am Franz. Hans and Franz: And we just want to [clap] get our set back! Hans: Thank you! [Rousing cheers and applause milked by Hans and Franz who flex and pose impressively.] Norm MacDonald: Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz, everybody! [Hans continues to milk applause, much to Norm's amusement] Hans - and Franz. [Norm sighs and starts to read the next item but must pause to gather himself] The ... [Photo of teenage boy displaying a scarred leg] The Brazilian teenager suing Michael Jackson for running him over with his van displayed his scars for a photographer this week. Jackson said through a spokesman that the suit was baseless but he'd like to see more photos. ... [some groans from the crowd] A jury this week awarded 8.9 million dollars to a man who said Tylenol destroyed his liver. Immediately following the decision, Tylenol announced its new advertising campaign: "Take Tylenol -- and you just might win 8.9 million dollars." ... [some applause] Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week. And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor: "Other Dogs' Asses." ... [cheers, applause, groans] [Image of Dr. Suess cartoon character the Cat in the Hat] And finally, in honor of the 50th anniversary of their first publication, Random House will be releasing special commemorative issues of many Dr. Suess classics. The first to hit the bookshelves will be Green Eggs and Ham and O.J. is Guilty. ... [applause] And that's all for now. Good night! [Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade away as Norm shuffles his disorganized mass of papers on the desk. ] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts