Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Gil Graham ... Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk and
removes the paper clip from his well-organized sheaf
of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, I'm Norm
MacDonald, and this is the fake news. ...
Well, it's been a disastrous week for President
Clinton. His party lost control of the House and
Senate, and thirty-one governorships are now in
Republican hands. The only bright spot: he was
completely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane.
[Image of newspaper story with headline reading "Bob
Crane's Friend Acquitted in Death" and a photo of
Crane, star of TV's "Hogan's Heroes"] ...
With Republican control of the Senate, Oregon's Bob
Packwood will become chairman of the Senate Finance
Committee. In a statement, he promised to massage the
budget, goose interest rates and, if possible, stick
his tongue down the throat of inflation. ...
And in Connecticut, where I live, a House race was won
by a margin of just two votes. Well, that's good. My
vote still wouldn't have made any difference at all.
[Photo of woman firing a handgun as two uniformed
police officers cover their ears] Young or old, male
or female - everyone loves to visit the White House!
... [refers to a series of unconnected shootings at
and around the White House in late 1994]
In an act of conciliation, China released eight
political prisoners this week. But they made it clear
that the other seventy-nine million would be executed
without a trial. ...
A French man who calls himself "The Snake Man" was
arrested this week after climbing up the side of a
Manhattan high rise. Yep! He climbed right up the side
of a high rise. Just like a snake! ... [cheers
This week is Taxicab Appreciation Week. So, to all you
taxicab drivers out there: I'd appreciate it if you'd
take a shower once in a while, how would that
be? ... [cheers and applause]
A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some in
the crowd shout, "Woo, woo!"] Yeah. The ads claim that
the 80 proof vodka is so pure, it's virtually
headache-free. But, before you run out and buy it,
remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. ...
Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the
first frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington.
If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in
the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to
destroy brain cells. [slight pause - then,
enthusiastically] What a genius - he'll be missed!
[Photo of actor Tom Cruise with his very pale wife
Nicole Kidman] Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the
premiere of his new movie "Interview with the Vampire"
by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole's-- [Norm
turns to look at the photo] ... [brief
Liza Minnelli has gotten word she'll have to have a
hip replacement operation. This marks the first time
in fifteen years that the name "Liza Minnelli" and the
word "hip" have been used in the same sentence. ...
[some applause, some groans]
George Foreman shocked the world this week-- [cheers
and applause] How about that, huh? He shocked the
world when after absorbing punishing blows to the head
for ten rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer to
regain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foreman
said he felt great and that Moorer's punches had had
no effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded to
grant a ten minute interview to the ring post. [Photo
of Foreman on knees in front of ring post] ...
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with some concert
reviews, once again, our rock 'n' roll correspondent,
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to hunched-over,
bespectacled rock fan Gil Graham who wears a colorful
Led Zeppelin shirt and speaks with a weird, intense
half-whisper. Norm shakes his hand.]
Gil Graham: Oh! Thanks, Norm! Thank you! Well,
this fall's concert menu is jam-packed with rock
'n' roll - so let's take a bite!
October 11th - MTV studios. You need coolin', baby,
I'm not foolin'. That's right - Led Zep reunites! And
guess who was the ninety-ninth caller to WROK's Led
Zep Ticket Giveaway? I was just getting used to the
comforts of the backstage performers' lounge when
legendary Zeppelin road manager Peter "Mad Dog" Rudge
apparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was one
too many. ... He decided to emphasize his point by
giving me an old school ass-kickin'. ... The
man dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell.
Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead to
heaven ... but, rather, to the most painful ten
minutes of my life. ... The walls were reverberating
with the relentless mule kicks of a fifty year old
English lunatic ... along with the majestic opening
licks of "Kashmir." When they rolled me out onto
Fifty-Seventh Street, I couldn't help but think, "Zep,
it's been a long time since you rock 'n' rolled - but
it was worth the wait!" ...
Next stop: October 17th - Nassau Coliseum - the
granddaddies of grunge - Soundgarden - ready to crank
it up. I did not attend this concert. I had front row
tickets but my mother threw them out. She thought they
were drugs. ... Catch you next year, Soundgarden.
November 11th - Radio City Music Hall - the concert
event of the year - the Christmas Spectacular! ... The
matinee audience was mostly families and thus, a
little afraid to rock. ... But the hypnotic rhythms of
the kettle drums backin' up the Rockettes had me
standin' on my chair and screamin' for Santa. ... I
was in such a trance-like state, I didn't realize I
was disrupting Snow White's performance. You know,
there are seven dwarves but, apparently, that day, all
of them were grumpy. ... They pounded me viciously ...
in front of several thousand people for an
inappropriate amount of time. ... One would think that
their tiny fists would have little effect ... but
their combined impact was similar to that of a severe
hail storm! ... Their underdeveloped hands reached
into places I didn't think were possible ... causing
momentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain! ... It
ended up turning into a very special experience when
the dwarves invited some underprivileged children down
from the balcony to use me as a human spittoon! ...
All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock
'n' roller's wet dream.
Back to you, Norm - and, in the words of KISS, "I
wanna rock and roll all night and party ev-e-ry
day!" [cheers and applause, Gil turns to Norm
and pounds the desk with his hand] I
Norm MacDonald: [much amused] Gil Graham,
ladies and gentlemen! [Gil waves and exits]
Model Carrie Otis made news this week when she stated
that she didn't want Mickey Roarke showing up at her
work. Hey, ah, join the club, lady! You think any of
us want Mickey Roarke showing up at our work? ...
[very little reaction from crowd, Norm shrugs, crowd
laughs harder at the shrug] ...
Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that her
husband has been relaxing at their ranch, riding
horses and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses report
that he was actually riding wood and chopping horses.
The cast of "Baywatch" made a special appearance at
Disney World in Florida where they were mobbed by
adoring fans. Which proves my new theory:
"German tourists love David Hasselhoff!" ...
A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to fly
south and ended up stranded in Alaska will be flown
via commercial airline to California this week. You
know, I have another solution to this: Kill the
hummingbird! ... [scattered applause]
And - [Photo of ruddy-faced, overweight Senator Ted
Kennedy draws a few hoots from the crowd] - our final
story: Ted Kennedy says now that he's won re-election,
he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, and
really let himself go. ...
And that's all for now, good night!
[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade away
as Norm shuffles and attempts to straighten his
disorganized mass of papers.]