Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Gil Graham ... Adam Sandler



[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk and removes the paper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news. ...

Well, it's been a disastrous week for President Clinton. His party lost control of the House and Senate, and thirty-one governorships are now in Republican hands. The only bright spot: he was completely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane. [Image of newspaper story with headline reading "Bob Crane's Friend Acquitted in Death" and a photo of Crane, star of TV's "Hogan's Heroes"] ...

With Republican control of the Senate, Oregon's Bob Packwood will become chairman of the Senate Finance Committee. In a statement, he promised to massage the budget, goose interest rates and, if possible, stick his tongue down the throat of inflation. ...

And in Connecticut, where I live, a House race was won by a margin of just two votes. Well, that's good. My vote still wouldn't have made any difference at all. ...

[Photo of woman firing a handgun as two uniformed police officers cover their ears] Young or old, male or female - everyone loves to visit the White House! ... [refers to a series of unconnected shootings at and around the White House in late 1994]

In an act of conciliation, China released eight political prisoners this week. But they made it clear that the other seventy-nine million would be executed without a trial. ...

A French man who calls himself "The Snake Man" was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a Manhattan high rise. Yep! He climbed right up the side of a high rise. Just like a snake! ... [cheers and applause]

This week is Taxicab Appreciation Week. So, to all you taxicab drivers out there: I'd appreciate it if you'd take a shower once in a while, how would that be? ... [cheers and applause]

A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some in the crowd shout, "Woo, woo!"] Yeah. The ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is so pure, it's virtually headache-free. But, before you run out and buy it, remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. ...

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. [slight pause - then, enthusiastically] What a genius - he'll be missed! ...

[Photo of actor Tom Cruise with his very pale wife Nicole Kidman] Well, Tom Cruise got ready for the premiere of his new movie "Interview with the Vampire" by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole's-- [Norm turns to look at the photo] ... [brief applause]

Liza Minnelli has gotten word she'll have to have a hip replacement operation. This marks the first time in fifteen years that the name "Liza Minnelli" and the word "hip" have been used in the same sentence. ... [some applause, some groans]

George Foreman shocked the world this week-- [cheers and applause] How about that, huh? He shocked the world when after absorbing punishing blows to the head for ten rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer to regain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foreman said he felt great and that Moorer's punches had had no effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded to grant a ten minute interview to the ring post. [Photo of Foreman on knees in front of ring post] ... [scattered applause]

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with some concert reviews, once again, our rock 'n' roll correspondent, Gil Graham!

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to hunched-over, bespectacled rock fan Gil Graham who wears a colorful Led Zeppelin shirt and speaks with a weird, intense half-whisper. Norm shakes his hand.]

Gil Graham: Oh! Thanks, Norm! Thank you! Well, this fall's concert menu is jam-packed with rock 'n' roll - so let's take a bite!

October 11th - MTV studios. You need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin'. That's right - Led Zep reunites! And guess who was the ninety-ninth caller to WROK's Led Zep Ticket Giveaway? I was just getting used to the comforts of the backstage performers' lounge when legendary Zeppelin road manager Peter "Mad Dog" Rudge apparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was one too many. ... He decided to emphasize his point by giving me an old school ass-kickin'. ... The man dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell. Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead to heaven ... but, rather, to the most painful ten minutes of my life. ... The walls were reverberating with the relentless mule kicks of a fifty year old English lunatic ... along with the majestic opening licks of "Kashmir." When they rolled me out onto Fifty-Seventh Street, I couldn't help but think, "Zep, it's been a long time since you rock 'n' rolled - but it was worth the wait!" ...

Next stop: October 17th - Nassau Coliseum - the granddaddies of grunge - Soundgarden - ready to crank it up. I did not attend this concert. I had front row tickets but my mother threw them out. She thought they were drugs. ... Catch you next year, Soundgarden. ...

November 11th - Radio City Music Hall - the concert event of the year - the Christmas Spectacular! ... The matinee audience was mostly families and thus, a little afraid to rock. ... But the hypnotic rhythms of the kettle drums backin' up the Rockettes had me standin' on my chair and screamin' for Santa. ... I was in such a trance-like state, I didn't realize I was disrupting Snow White's performance. You know, there are seven dwarves but, apparently, that day, all of them were grumpy. ... They pounded me viciously ... in front of several thousand people for an inappropriate amount of time. ... One would think that their tiny fists would have little effect ... but their combined impact was similar to that of a severe hail storm! ... Their underdeveloped hands reached into places I didn't think were possible ... causing momentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain! ... It ended up turning into a very special experience when the dwarves invited some underprivileged children down from the balcony to use me as a human spittoon! ... All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock 'n' roller's wet dream.

Back to you, Norm - and, in the words of KISS, "I wanna rock and roll all night and party ev-e-ry day!" [cheers and applause, Gil turns to Norm and pounds the desk with his hand] I do!

Norm MacDonald: [much amused] Gil Graham, ladies and gentlemen! [Gil waves and exits]

Model Carrie Otis made news this week when she stated that she didn't want Mickey Roarke showing up at her work. Hey, ah, join the club, lady! You think any of us want Mickey Roarke showing up at our work? ... [very little reaction from crowd, Norm shrugs, crowd laughs harder at the shrug] ...

Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that her husband has been relaxing at their ranch, riding horses and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses report that he was actually riding wood and chopping horses. ...

The cast of "Baywatch" made a special appearance at Disney World in Florida where they were mobbed by adoring fans. Which proves my new theory: "German tourists love David Hasselhoff!" ... [applause]

A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to fly south and ended up stranded in Alaska will be flown via commercial airline to California this week. You know, I have another solution to this: Kill the hummingbird! ... [scattered applause]

And - [Photo of ruddy-faced, overweight Senator Ted Kennedy draws a few hoots from the crowd] - our final story: Ted Kennedy says now that he's won re-election, he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, and really let himself go. ...

And that's all for now, good night!

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade away as Norm shuffles and attempts to straighten his disorganized mass of papers.]


Submitted Anonymously


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