94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

It's A Wonderful Newt

Richard Nixon.....John Turturro
Newt Gingrich.....Chris Farley
Annie.....Ellen Cleghorne
Rodriguez.....Janeane Garofalo
Marianne Ginther.....Laura Kightlinger
Nick.....Kevin Nealon

FADE IN:

[ An RKO release ]

[ TITLE CARD: IT’S A WONDERFUL NEWT ]

[ A sign reads: YOU’RE NOW IN WASHINGTON D.C. ]

[ SUPER: CHRISTMAS 1998 ]

[ EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. – NIGHT ]

[ Snow falls hard on the nation’s capital. The score from “It’s a Wonderful Life” plays over a montage of various D.C. landmarks. The Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives NEWT GINGRICH trudges onto a bridge looking over the Tidal section of the Potomac River. Speaker Gingrich sobs and lifts his left leg onto the edge of the bridge. Just then, President RICHARD NIXON appears. ]

Richard Nixon: Newt!!! Don’t do it!!

Newt Gingrich: Who are you!?

Richard Nixon: I’m your guardian angel -- Richard Nixon!

Newt Gingrich: Mr. President!! I knew you’d make it to heaven!

Richard Nixon: Not quite… but I’m working on it. That’s actually one reason why I’m here, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Well, I’m gonna kill myself. I’m gonna jump into the Potomac.

Richard Nixon: But you had a wonderful life, Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, you were able to help many people -- from the extremely rich to the crazy rich.

Newt Gingrich: I know! But $8,000 is missing from the House bank!

Richard Nixon: That’s nothing!! $8,000 is chicken feed! By the way, where is the $8,000?

Newt Gingrich: I don’t know! I think Al D’Amato picked it up by mistake. I could go to jail!! I wish I was never Speaker of the House!

Richard Nixon: Did you hear that? It might work!

Newt Gingrich: Who are you talking too!?

Richard Nixon: Uh… just a friend of mine. All right! You got your wish! You were never Speaker of the House!

[ The night sky clears up. No more snow. ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey! It stopped snowing.

Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh… Mr. Non-Speaker.

Newt Gingrich: Look -- if you’re not gonna let me jump into the Potomac, I’m going to go get a gun and kill myself.

Richard Nixon: Where are we going?

Newt Gingrich: Martini’s Gun Shop.

[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon depart. ]

[ EXT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ]

[ Martini’s now reads MARTINI’S MINORITY TEEN EMPOWERMENT CENTER AND ABORTION CLINIC ]

[ INT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ]

[ R&B MUSIC plays as several teens, mostly minorities, play board games and so on. A number of women wait in line seated to receive free abortions. A sign on the wall reads NO PRAYING. Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon stare in disbelief. ]

Newt Gingrich: I don’t understand!! This used to be Martini’s Gun Shop! Now it’s Martini’s Teen Empowerment Center and Abortion Clinic!

Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh…

[ A teen in a wheelchair goes past the two. ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey! How’d he get up the stairs!?

Richard Nixon: He used the wheelchair ramp.

Newt Gingrich: Wheelchair ramp? But I had those things outlawed as part of my Anti-Cripple bill of 1995!

Richard Nixon: Don’t you see, Newt? The Anti-Cripple bill never passed, because you were not there to push it through Congress.

[ NICK the Bartender stands a counter full of educational literature. ]

Nick: Can I help you gentlemen?

[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon come over to Nick. ]

Newt Gingrich: Nick! Nick! What happened to this place? Free syringes! Free condoms!

[ Speaker Gingrich picks up a book. ]

Newt Gingrich: “Daddy Has a Friend Named Miguel”!?!?

[ Speaker Gingrich slams the book to the ground. ]

Newt Gingrich: This used to be a gun shop!! You had Uzis over here and assault rifles over here! And right here you had that beautiful display of exploding, armor-piercing, dum-dum bullets!

Nick: Sir, I don’t know who you are or even if you’re a U.S. citizen. But you certainly welcome to any of our free social services, provided completely at taxpayer’s expense.

Richard Nixon: See, Newt? Beginning to grasp the enchilada?

[ A gynecologist, ANNIE, comes out of her exam room. ]

Annie: Uh… Rodriguez?

[ A young Hispanic teenager, last name RODRIGUEZ, gets out of her chair. Speaker Gingrich spots Annie and makes his way over to her with President Nixon. ]

Newt Gingrich: Annie! Annie, it’s me! Newt Gingrich!

[ Annie smiles and shakes the Speaker’s hand. ]

Annie: Are you the new gay youth counselor?

[ Speaker Gingrich tears his hand away. ]

Newt Gingrich: No! I’m Newt Gingrich! Speaker of the House! Don’t you remember me!? You used to be our maid!?

Annie: Maid!? I was never a maid! I went to medical school under affirmative action and now I’m the head abortionist here at the Teen Empowerment Center.

Richard Nixon: Is this becoming perfectly clear, Newt?

Newt Gingrich: But I had affirmative action killed! I even sent a case of scotch over to Ted Kennedy’s house so he wouldn’t vote that day!!

Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy never got that case of scotch because you were not there to send it to him!

[ The Rodriguez girl interrupts all three. ]

Rodriguez: Do I get my abortion or what?

[ Annie escorts her to the exam room. ]

Newt Gingrich: Look, Richard! I don’t what’s going on here, but tell me one thing -- what happened to Hillary!?

Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know…

Newt Gingrich: She went back to Arkansas in disgrace, right!?

Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know, Newt!

[ Speaker Gingrich grabs President Nixon by his blazer. ]

Newt Gingrich: TELL ME, DICK!!!

[ President Nixon strikes his famous pose with both hands flashing the peace sign. ]

Richard Nixon: SHE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!

Newt Gingrich: NO!!!!!!

[ Speaker Gingrich is spinning in a vortex. He stops to catch his breath, then resumes spinning. ]

[ INT. GINGRICH BEDROOM – NIGHT ]

[ Newt wakes up screaming in bed. His wife, Marianne Ginther, stops reading President Nixon’s autobiography and comforts him. ]

Marianne Ginther: Newt! Newt! Are you okay?

Newt Gingrich: Huh!?

Marianne Ginther: You were having a bad dream!

Newt Gingrich: What year is it!?

Marianne Ginther: It's 1998, silly.

Newt Gingrich: And who’s President!?

Marianne Ginther: Why, Michael Huffington, of course!

[ Speaker Gingrich sighs. ]

Newt Gingrich: Thank God!

Marianne Ginther: Honey, I was just reading Richard Nixon’s autobiography and I never noticed it before, but there’s an inscription to you in here. It reads -- “Dear Newt, Remember - Every time a bell rings, I get poked in the ass with a pitchfork!”

Newt Gingrich: That’s right!

[ Speaker Gingrich smiles as he waits for a bell to ring. Playing Newt, Farley looks around for the “SNL” crew to ring a tiny bell. Nothing. Picking up quick, Farley continues to go on. He lowers his head to a small Christmas tree on the nightstand pretending a bell has rung. ]

Newt Gingrich: That’s right!

[ Farley and Kightlinger face the camera. ]

Newt Gingrich: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


Submitted by: Cody Downs