94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty
It's A Wonderful Newt
Richard Nixon.....John Turturro
Newt Gingrich.....Chris Farley
Marianne Ginther.....Laura Kightlinger
[ An RKO release ]
[ TITLE CARD: IT’S A WONDERFUL NEWT ]
[ A sign reads: YOU’RE NOW IN WASHINGTON D.C. ]
[ SUPER: CHRISTMAS 1998 ]
[ EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. – NIGHT ]
[ Snow falls hard on the nation’s capital. The score from “It’s a Wonderful Life” plays over a montage of various D.C. landmarks. The Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives NEWT GINGRICH trudges onto a bridge looking over the Tidal section of the Potomac River. Speaker Gingrich sobs and lifts his left leg onto the edge of the bridge. Just then, President RICHARD NIXON appears. ]
Richard Nixon: Newt!!! Don’t do it!!
Newt Gingrich: Who are you!?
Richard Nixon: I’m your guardian angel -- Richard Nixon!
Newt Gingrich: Mr. President!! I knew you’d make it to heaven!
Richard Nixon: Not quite… but I’m working on it. That’s actually one reason why I’m here, Newt.
Newt Gingrich: Well, I’m gonna kill myself. I’m gonna jump into the Potomac.
Richard Nixon: But you had a wonderful life, Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, you were able to help many people -- from the extremely rich to the crazy rich.
Newt Gingrich: I know! But $8,000 is missing from the House bank!
Richard Nixon: That’s nothing!! $8,000 is chicken feed! By the way, where is the $8,000?
Newt Gingrich: I don’t know! I think Al D’Amato picked it up by mistake. I could go to jail!! I wish I was never Speaker of the House!
Richard Nixon: Did you hear that? It might work!
Newt Gingrich: Who are you talking too!?
Richard Nixon: Uh… just a friend of mine. All right! You got your wish! You were never Speaker of the House!
[ The night sky clears up. No more snow. ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey! It stopped snowing.
Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh… Mr. Non-Speaker.
Newt Gingrich: Look -- if you’re not gonna let me jump into the Potomac, I’m going to go get a gun and kill myself.
Richard Nixon: Where are we going?
Newt Gingrich: Martini’s Gun Shop.
[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon depart. ]
[ EXT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ]
[ Martini’s now reads MARTINI’S MINORITY TEEN EMPOWERMENT CENTER AND ABORTION CLINIC ]
[ INT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ]
[ R&B MUSIC plays as several teens, mostly minorities, play board games and so on. A number of women wait in line seated to receive free abortions. A sign on the wall reads NO PRAYING. Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon stare in disbelief. ]
Newt Gingrich: I don’t understand!! This used to be Martini’s Gun Shop! Now it’s Martini’s Teen Empowerment Center and Abortion Clinic!
Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh…
[ A teen in a wheelchair goes past the two. ]
Newt Gingrich: Hey! How’d he get up the stairs!?
Richard Nixon: He used the wheelchair ramp.
Newt Gingrich: Wheelchair ramp? But I had those things outlawed as part of my Anti-Cripple bill of 1995!
Richard Nixon: Don’t you see, Newt? The Anti-Cripple bill never passed, because you were not there to push it through Congress.
[ NICK the Bartender stands a counter full of educational literature. ]
Nick: Can I help you gentlemen?
[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon come over to Nick. ]
Newt Gingrich: Nick! Nick! What happened to this place? Free syringes! Free condoms!
[ Speaker Gingrich picks up a book. ]
Newt Gingrich: “Daddy Has a Friend Named Miguel”!?!?
[ Speaker Gingrich slams the book to the ground. ]
Newt Gingrich: This used to be a gun shop!! You had Uzis over here and assault rifles over here! And right here you had that beautiful display of exploding, armor-piercing, dum-dum bullets!
Nick: Sir, I don’t know who you are or even if you’re a U.S. citizen. But you certainly welcome to any of our free social services, provided completely at taxpayer’s expense.
Richard Nixon: See, Newt? Beginning to grasp the enchilada?
[ A gynecologist, ANNIE, comes out of her exam room. ]
Annie: Uh… Rodriguez?
[ A young Hispanic teenager, last name RODRIGUEZ, gets out of her chair. Speaker Gingrich spots Annie and makes his way over to her with President Nixon. ]
Newt Gingrich: Annie! Annie, it’s me! Newt Gingrich!
[ Annie smiles and shakes the Speaker’s hand. ]
Annie: Are you the new gay youth counselor?
[ Speaker Gingrich tears his hand away. ]
Newt Gingrich: No! I’m Newt Gingrich! Speaker of the House! Don’t you remember me!? You used to be our maid!?
Annie: Maid!? I was never a maid! I went to medical school under affirmative action and now I’m the head abortionist here at the Teen Empowerment Center.
Richard Nixon: Is this becoming perfectly clear, Newt?
Newt Gingrich: But I had affirmative action killed! I even sent a case of scotch over to Ted Kennedy’s house so he wouldn’t vote that day!!
Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy never got that case of scotch because you were not there to send it to him!
[ The Rodriguez girl interrupts all three. ]
Rodriguez: Do I get my abortion or what?
[ Annie escorts her to the exam room. ]
Newt Gingrich: Look, Richard! I don’t what’s going on here, but tell me one thing -- what happened to Hillary!?
Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know…
Newt Gingrich: She went back to Arkansas in disgrace, right!?
Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know, Newt!
[ Speaker Gingrich grabs President Nixon by his blazer. ]
Newt Gingrich: TELL ME, DICK!!!
[ President Nixon strikes his famous pose with both hands flashing the peace sign. ]
Richard Nixon: SHE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!
Newt Gingrich: NO!!!!!!
[ Speaker Gingrich is spinning in a vortex. He stops to catch his breath, then resumes spinning. ]
[ INT. GINGRICH BEDROOM – NIGHT ]
[ Newt wakes up screaming in bed. His wife, Marianne Ginther, stops reading President Nixon’s autobiography and comforts him. ]
Marianne Ginther: Newt! Newt! Are you okay?
Newt Gingrich: Huh!?
Marianne Ginther: You were having a bad dream!
Newt Gingrich: What year is it!?
Marianne Ginther: It's 1998, silly.
Newt Gingrich: And who’s President!?
Marianne Ginther: Why, Michael Huffington, of course!
[ Speaker Gingrich sighs. ]
Newt Gingrich: Thank God!
Marianne Ginther: Honey, I was just reading Richard Nixon’s autobiography and I never noticed it before, but there’s an inscription to you in here. It reads -- “Dear Newt, Remember - Every time a bell rings, I get poked in the ass with a pitchfork!”
Newt Gingrich: That’s right!
[ Speaker Gingrich smiles as he waits for a bell to ring. Playing Newt, Farley looks around for the “SNL” crew to ring a tiny bell. Nothing. Picking up quick, Farley continues to go on. He lowers his head to a small Christmas tree on the nightstand pretending a bell has rung. ]
Newt Gingrich: That’s right!
[ Farley and Kightlinger face the camera. ]
Newt Gingrich: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"
Submitted by: Cody Downs