Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6




94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

Stop That!

Arthur Canton.....John Turturro
Phillip Atwell.....Chris Elliott
Caller.....Chris Farley
Golimo Echivalia.....Kevin Nealon
Announcer.....Don Pardo

FADE IN:

[ TITLE: STOP THAT ]

Announcer: From Television City in Hollywood, it’s “Stop That”! With your host - - Arthur Canton.

[ INT. TELEVISION CITY STUDIO – DAY ]

[ An earth toned set with two white plush chairs adorn the area. ARTHUR CANTON, a nebbish man wearing browline glasses and an out of style suit, is seated. ]

Arthur Canton: Hello! Welcome to “Stop That”! I’m Arthur Canton!

[ Arthur is shaking as he tries to loosen his collar. ]

Arthur Canton: Our first guest today is an interesting man…

[ Arthur holds up a book titled YOU AND ME MAKE WE. ]

Arthur Canton: He’s a relationship expert and author of the book YOU AND ME MAKE WE -- meet Mr. Phillip Atwell.

[ PHILLIP ATWELL, a man dressed very sharp, is next to Arthur. ]

Phillip Atwell: Thank you very much, Arthur.

[ The audience applauds. Arthur places the book down. ]

Phillip Atwell: It’s nice to be here.

Arthur Canton: It’s nice to have you here, Mr. Atwell. Tell us how you got started in helping people in relationships.

Phillip Atwell: Well, I was primarily a marriage counselor for about 10 years, not to mention I’ve been in a couple of relationships myself…

Arthur Canton: Couple of relationships myself…

Phillip Atwell: And I started to…

Arthur Canton: And you started to…

[ Atwell pauses and studies Arthur. ]

Phillip Atwell: Interview a number of couples…

Arthur Canton: Interview a number of couples…

Phillip Atwell: Who a few years ago…

Arthur Canton: A few years ago…

Phillip Atwell: Eventually what I found…

Arthur Canton: Eventually what I found…

[ Atwell pauses and stares at Arthur for a moment or two. ]

Phillip Atwell: I’m sorry - what are you doing?

Arthur Canton: I’m sorry - what are you doing?

Phillip Atwell: No! What are you doing?

Arthur Canton: No! What are you doing?

Phillip Atwell: No, I just said…

Arthur Canton: No, I just said…

[ Both laugh. ]

Phillip Atwell: Okay. I get it. I see what you’re doing.

Arthur Canton: See what you’re doing…

Phillip Atwell: You’re repeating everything I say.

Arthur Canton: Repeating everything I say…

[ Both laugh. ]

Phillip Atwell: That’s very funny!

Arthur Canton: Very funny!

Phillip Atwell: I used to do that as a child.

Arthur Canton: As a child…

Phillip Atwell: That’s very funny!

Arthur Canton: Very funny!

Phillip Atwell: Oh! You got me again!

Arthur Canton: Got me again…

[ Both laugh. ]

Phillip Atwell: Anyway…

Arthur Canton: Anyway…

Phillip Atwell: I had talked to a number of these people and found out --

Arthur Canton: And found out…

Phillip Atwell: Okay, seriously… can you stop that?

Arthur Canton: Okay, seriously… can you stop that?

Phillip Atwell: No, I’m serious! It’s not funny anymore…

Arthur Canton: No, I’m serious…

Phillip Atwell: No, serious, could you stop that? It’s not funny anymore…

Arthur Canton: No, serious! It’s not funny anymore…

Phillip Atwell: Stop that!

Arthur Canton: Stop that!

Phillip Atwell: I SAID STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: I SAID STOP THAT!!

Phillip Atwell: STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

[ Both men rise to their feet. Face to face. ]

Arthur Canton: What!?

Phillip Atwell: You invited me on this show!!

Arthur Canton: You invited me on this show!!

Phillip Atwell: This is very rude!!

Arthur Canton: This is very rude!!

Phillip Atwell: It’s very rude!

Arthur Canton: It’s very rude!

Phillip Atwell: Please!?!?

Arthur Canton: Please!?!?

Phillip Atwell: Would you please stop that!?!?

Arthur Canton: Would you please stop that!?!?

[ Both men have a seat. ]

Phillip Atwell: Repeat this…

Arthur Canton: Okay! Repeat this…

Phillip Atwell: I’m an idiot.

Arthur Canton: You’re an idiot.

Phillip Atwell: No! I’m an idiot.

Arthur Canton: You’re an idiot.

Phillip Atwell: No! I’m an idiot.

Arthur Canton: You’re an idiot.

Phillip Atwell: Oh, forget it!

Arthur Canton: Oh, forget it!

[ Atwell storms off. ]

Arthur Canton: Okay!! That was great! Let’s take a phone call from one of our viewers…

[ Arthur takes a seat. He turns on the speaker on the phone. ]

Arthur Canton: Hello! Houston, Texas -- you’re on “Stop That”!

Caller (V/O): Uh… Hi there!!

Arthur Canton: Hi there!!

Caller (V/O): What!?

Arthur Canton: What!?

Caller (V/O): Hello?

Arthur Canton: Hello?

Caller (V/O): Am I on?

Arthur Canton: Am I on?

Caller (V/O): Hey… y’all on the line?

Arthur Canton: Y’all on the line?

Caller (V/O): C’mon!

Arthur Canton: Oh… c’mon!

Caller (V/O): THIS IS DAMN STUPID!!

Arthur Canton: THIS IS DAMN STUPID!!

Caller (V/O): STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

Caller (V/O): OH, THE HELL! I DON’T NEED THIS!!

Arthur Canton: OH, THE HELL WITH THAT!!

[ The caller hangs up. A hang-up tone is heard. Arthur mimics the hang-up tone then the off the hand set tone. Arthur turns off the speakerphone. ]

Arthur Canton: All right! That’s enough! That’s enough! Okay -- our next guest is one of the world’s leading classical guitarists and I’m actually surprised he decided to show. I’m kind of excited! Ladies and gentlemen -- from Spain, its Golimo Echivalia!!

[ GOLIMO ECHIVALIA, a tall, pony-tailed Spaniard dressed like Johnny Cash, strums one perfect note after another on his classical guitar. Arthur, after watching Golimo for some time, sneaks up on him and begins mocking his technique and playing guitar altogether. Golimo stops and focuses on Arthur, who’s frozen. Golimo begins playing again, only for Arthur to mock him again. Golimo stops to look at Arthur, who pretends to be watching. Golimo begins to play faster and faster while Arthur becomes more and more annoying. ]

Golimo Echivalia: This is very distracting!

Arthur Canton: This is very distracting!

Golimo Echivalia: I have played for Presidents… I have played for kings…

Arthur Canton: I have played for Presidents… I have played for kings…

Golimo Echivalia: Look -- I have not traveled 12,000 miles to be mocked!

Arthur Canton: Look -- I have not traveled 12,000 miles to be mocked!

Golimo Echivalia: STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

Golimo Echivalia: STOP THAT!!

Arthur Canton: STOP THAT!!

[ Both rise to their feet. ]

Golimo Echivalia: YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT!

Arthur Canton: YOU ARE BENEATH CONTEMPT!

[ Golimo storms off. ]

Arthur Canton: Wow! Classical guitarist Golimo Echivalia!! All right! Next up, next up! We have --

[ Phillip Atwell returns. ]

Arthur Canton: Oh! Look who’s back -- it’s Mr. Atwell! Care to give it another go, Mr. Atwell?

Phillip Atwell: Give it another go, Mr. Atwell?

Arthur Canton: Ah! Very clever!

Phillip Atwell: Very clever!

Arthur Canton: Very good!

Phillip Atwell: Very good!

Arthur Canton: He’s trying to turn it around!

Phillip Atwell: Trying to turn it around…

Arthur Canton: You see this folks!

Phillip Atwell: You see this folks!

Arthur Canton: This is very exciting!

Phillip Atwell: This is very exciting!

Arthur Canton: Unfortunately, I know a trick…

Phillip Atwell: I know a trick…

Arthur Canton: That will foil…

Phillip Atwell: That will foil…

Arthur Canton: Mr. Atwell’s plans.

Phillip Atwell: Mr. Atwell’s plans.

Arthur Canton: Here we go…

Phillip Atwell: Here we go…

Arthur Canton: Listen closely…

Phillip Atwell: Listen closely…

Arthur Canton: “Jack & Jill…”

Phillip Atwell: “Jack & Jill…”

Arthur Canton: “went up a hill…”

Phillip Atwell: “went up a hill…”

Arthur Canton: “to fetch a pail…”

Phillip Atwell: “to fetch a pail of water!”

Arthur Canton: “a pail of water!”

Phillip Atwell: Damn it!!

Arthur Canton: Damn it!!

Phillip Atwell: You are a total waste of a human being!!

Arthur Canton: You are a total waste of a human being!!

[ The two start yammering at each other until Atwell just storms off the set. ]

Arthur Canton: THE MASTER IS BACK! YES! That’s all for today! See you next week on “Stop That!”

[ Arthur does a twirl then retires to his chair. ]

[ TITLE: STOP THAT ]

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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