Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Judge Lance Ito ... Mike Myers
... David Hasselhoff
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and striped necktie,
sits at the WU desk and straightens his sheaf of
papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm
MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...
Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants to
bring the death penalty back to New York. First up:
Mayor Rudy Giuliani. ... [applause]
[Photo of President Clinton waving in front of a guy
in a funny mask.] According to a poll taken last week,
if the presidentel-- if the presidential elections
were held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask would
win. [not many laughs, scattered applause] Maybe if I
had said the word properly ... ?
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is
warning people not to overeat on Thanksgiving because
it can make you drowsy at the wheel. Well, that's bad
news for me, you know, 'cause after Thanksgiving
dinner I usually like to drive around a while, until I
sober up. ...
Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest
appearance on the hit show "Baywatch." Now, my
research has uncovered that Fergie is actually
British, not German, which, while not proving,
certainly does nothing to disprove my time-tested
theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! ...
George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be
an inspiration to every American who has tried to
reach the impossible dream. And, in a related story,
former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says that
he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to
anyone who's ever been beaten up by an old man. ...
In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escaped
death when a pocketknife in his breast pocket
deflected a bullet shot by another hunter. Man, you
know we have too many weapons in this country when
people are getting shot in the knife. ...
Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV
station in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if it
was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be
on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, "Maybe
not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?"
Anyway, he did an interview and here to explain his
actions is Judge Lance Ito! Welcome, Judge Ito.
[Cheers and applause for modest Judge Ito wears his
black judicial robe.]
Judge Lance Ito: Thank you. Thank you very
much. Uh, actually, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Now, Judge Ito, isn't it ironic
that someone so critical of the media would allow
themselves to be the subject of such an in-depth
Judge Lance Ito: [politely] Ah, well, Norm, uh,
a lot of people expect me to, uh, apologize, uh, for
the interview, uh - That somehow it was, uh,
inappropriate, uh, hypocritical or what have you, uh,
but I really have only one thing to say to that and,
uh, that is-- [rips off his black robe to reveal a
bright red, spangled suit and a multicolored necktie
and a new, assertive personality] I'M A STAR, BABY!!!
I'M A HUGE, FREAKIN' STAR, BABY!!! BAMBI! THUMPER!
COME TO PAPA!
[With a brief burst of cheesy show music, two Vegas
showgirls enter and hand Ito an oversized martini
glass and long cigarette. The girls hover over Ito,
running their hands all over him, till he
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say I'm
shocked. I had no idea there was this side to
Judge Lance Ito: GET USED TO IT, NORMY, 'CAUSE
I'M JUDGE ITO AND I GOT THE POWER! [sings] I got the
power! Unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh.
[speaks] You know, if I want to sequester the jury for
two years, I can do it! If I want it so that the
jurors can only watch "Saved By the Bell," I can do
that, too! If I say to Shapiro, "Jump!" - he says to
me, "Ito, you superstar, how freakin' high?!"
Norm MacDonald: So, I take it, then, you're not
going to apologize.
Judge Lance Ito: Oh, no, no. I'll apologize.
America -- I'm sorry I'm so damn sexy! [smokes his
cigarette, sips his drink]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say, it
sounds like this has gone to your head.
Judge Lance Ito: Hey, hey, hey, chief, chief,
chief, chief. The name's not "Judge Ito." I've changed
it. It's just "Ito." And, in two months, I'll be
unveiling my new name. [holds up a card showing an
image of Prince's famous glyph which features a
judge's gavel] Yeah. I'll be The Judge Formerly Known
as Lance Ito. And hey, Normy, Normy. Hey, do you think
O. J. did it? I think he did it.
Norm MacDonald: What? Are you crazy? You can't
say that! Ya gotta be impartial!
Judge Lance Ito: Oh, blah, blah, blah! ZIP IT!
I'M ITO! I'M A FREAKIN' STAR, BABY! America loves me!
America loves Ito! And now I'm gonna to give it to
[The set darkens and a spotlight shines on Ito as he
jumps up on top of the desk and dances energetically
to Snap's "The Power" - at one point revealing "ITO!"
stitched in spangled letters across the back of his
spangled jacket. The showgirls groove in the
background as Norm grins and holds onto his sheaf of
papers protectively. Finally, Ito jumps down and
returns to his seat.]
Judge Lance Ito: Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! [much
applause] I'd just like to mention, uh, [pulls card
from pocket and reads it] I'd just like to mention
that I'll be at the Sands in Las Vegas, December-- at
the MGM Grand with Buddy Hackett, December nineteenth
through the twenty-third. And if you're in town, you
know, come on by, say hello. All right.
Norm MacDonald: Okay. Judge Ito. Thank you,
Judge Lance Ito: [rubs Norm's hair] Normy.
[rises, points to camera] Hey, America, I love you!
[to his girls] Yeah, come on, babies, let's go. [Ito
and his girls exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito.
It was revealed today that O. J. Simpson told police
that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up.
He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed
him. ... [applause]
Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism
after demonstrating against fur. She said wearing fur
was in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tape
a show entitled "Why Whores Get the Clap." ...
Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know, ah, she is - really is an
animal lover though. She has three cats, two dogs and
a big ass that follows her around everywhere. ...
[Cheers, applause, groans, hoots, etc.]
Well, there may be trouble in paradise. Lisa Marie
Presley confirmed this week that she and Michael
Jackson live in separate residences, fifty miles away
from each other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying, "I
guess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn't
such a great idea after all." ... [applause]
Researchers have developed a so-called "red wine pill"
which gives all of the benefits of red wine without
the alcohol. Yeah. It's called a grape! ...
Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news,
one of the world's biggest stars just completed a
whirlwind three week world tour. Tonight he's agreed
to come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies and
gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!
[Much applause for Hasselhoff who wears a leather
Planet Hollywood jacket.]
David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you very
much! [laughs at all the applause] My recent world
tour was an incredible experience. I went to
twenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I've got
some amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance-
instance, I was invited to the state dinner at the
Emperor's Palace. What I didn't know was the emp--
Norm MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang on
a second. Did you just say Japan?
David Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, you
know, but I don't think anybody cares about Japan. Why
don't you, ah, why don't you focus on the countries
where you're, you know, you're popular?
David Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had an
incredible experience. The entire cast of "Baywatch"
was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds of
thousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison,
Norm MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait.
David Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.
Norm MacDonald: Look, why don't we skip China?
In fact, rule out all of Asia.
David Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean,
what do you want to hear about? I mean, I've got some
great stories from all over the world.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, you
know, ah, some place where you're especially popular,
you know, like in, uh, Europe.
David Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy--
Norm MacDonald: Northern Europe, Northern
David Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you.
Okay. I got you. There's one country that they
absolutely love me -- Norway.
Norm MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?!
They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damn
about Norway! What the hell's wrong with ya?
David Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what's going on
here? I've never seen you like this.
Norm MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you the
truth, you know, I didn't want to be the one to bring
it up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the
- how do the Germans feel about ya?
David Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, we
actually didn't stop in Germany--
Norm MacDonald: I don't care about your stupid
trip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize
-- in one sentence -- the way Germans feel about you.
David Hasselhoff: Well, I've always been
fortunate to get a very positive response from the
Norm MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time for
false modesty! We're runnin' late, we gotta wrap this
thing up! Do Germans love you?
David Hasselhoff: Well, "love" is an awfully
Norm MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen,
David, uh... Let's say a guy had a theory, all right?
David Hasselhoff: All right.
Norm MacDonald: A theory that he's devoted
several years of his life to. And let's say he has a
lot of evidence to back up this theory of his.
David Hasselhoff: All right.
Norm MacDonald: [puts a large pile of
documents, file folders, etc., on desk -- Hasselhoff
is stunned] Now, don't you think it would just be
common courtesy to help that guy out, you know, and
not - not ruin his life?
David Hasselhoff: Listen, I don't know what you
want me to say here, pal.
Norm MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I'll write it
down. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one,
scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives it
to David] Here! Say this!
David Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper]
"Germans love me."
[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beaming
MacDonald who addresses the camera.]
Norm MacDonald: Which once again proves my
theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers and
applause.] And that's the news! See you next time.
Thank you, David. [fusses with his pile of
David Hasselhoff: [waves good-bye] Auf
wiedersehen! [?], meine liebe! Auf wiedersehen! Auf