Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Judge Lance Ito ... Mike Myers
... David Hasselhoff

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and striped necktie, sits at the WU desk and straightens his sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...

Newly elected Governor George Pataki says he wants to bring the death penalty back to New York. First up: Mayor Rudy Giuliani. ... [applause]

[Photo of President Clinton waving in front of a guy in a funny mask.] According to a poll taken last week, if the presidentel-- if the presidential elections were held tomorrow, the guy in the funny mask would win. [not many laughs, scattered applause] Maybe if I had said the word properly ... ?

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is warning people not to overeat on Thanksgiving because it can make you drowsy at the wheel. Well, that's bad news for me, you know, 'cause after Thanksgiving dinner I usually like to drive around a while, until I sober up. ...

Fergie, the Duchess of York, turned down a guest appearance on the hit show "Baywatch." Now, my research has uncovered that Fergie is actually British, not German, which, while not proving, certainly does nothing to disprove my time-tested theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! ...

George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be an inspiration to every American who has tried to reach the impossible dream. And, in a related story, former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer says that he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration to anyone who's ever been beaten up by an old man. ... [applause]

In North Dakota this week, a hunter narrowly escaped death when a pocketknife in his breast pocket deflected a bullet shot by another hunter. Man, you know we have too many weapons in this country when people are getting shot in the knife. ... [light applause]

Judge Ito was interviewed this week by a local TV station in Los Angeles. Asked by the interviewer if it was appropriate for a supposedly impartial judge to be on TV with his case still pending, Ito said, "Maybe not, but how appropriate is it to kill your ex-wife?" ... [applause]

Anyway, he did an interview and here to explain his actions is Judge Lance Ito! Welcome, Judge Ito. [Cheers and applause for modest Judge Ito wears his black judicial robe.]

Judge Lance Ito: Thank you. Thank you very much. Uh, actually, thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Now, Judge Ito, isn't it ironic that someone so critical of the media would allow themselves to be the subject of such an in-depth television interview?

Judge Lance Ito: [politely] Ah, well, Norm, uh, a lot of people expect me to, uh, apologize, uh, for the interview, uh - That somehow it was, uh, inappropriate, uh, hypocritical or what have you, uh, but I really have only one thing to say to that and, uh, that is-- [rips off his black robe to reveal a bright red, spangled suit and a multicolored necktie and a new, assertive personality] I'M A STAR, BABY!!! I'M A HUGE, FREAKIN' STAR, BABY!!! BAMBI! THUMPER! COME TO PAPA!

[With a brief burst of cheesy show music, two Vegas showgirls enter and hand Ito an oversized martini glass and long cigarette. The girls hover over Ito, running their hands all over him, till he exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say I'm shocked. I had no idea there was this side to you.

Judge Lance Ito: GET USED TO IT, NORMY, 'CAUSE I'M JUDGE ITO AND I GOT THE POWER! [sings] I got the power! Unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh, unnh. [speaks] You know, if I want to sequester the jury for two years, I can do it! If I want it so that the jurors can only watch "Saved By the Bell," I can do that, too! If I say to Shapiro, "Jump!" - he says to me, "Ito, you superstar, how freakin' high?!"

Norm MacDonald: So, I take it, then, you're not going to apologize.

Judge Lance Ito: Oh, no, no. I'll apologize. America -- I'm sorry I'm so damn sexy! [smokes his cigarette, sips his drink]

Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito, I have to say, it sounds like this has gone to your head.

Judge Lance Ito: Hey, hey, hey, chief, chief, chief, chief. The name's not "Judge Ito." I've changed it. It's just "Ito." And, in two months, I'll be unveiling my new name. [holds up a card showing an image of Prince's famous glyph which features a judge's gavel] Yeah. I'll be The Judge Formerly Known as Lance Ito. And hey, Normy, Normy. Hey, do you think O. J. did it? I think he did it.

Norm MacDonald: What? Are you crazy? You can't say that! Ya gotta be impartial!

Judge Lance Ito: Oh, blah, blah, blah! ZIP IT! I'M ITO! I'M A FREAKIN' STAR, BABY! America loves me! America loves Ito! And now I'm gonna to give it to 'em!

[The set darkens and a spotlight shines on Ito as he jumps up on top of the desk and dances energetically to Snap's "The Power" - at one point revealing "ITO!" stitched in spangled letters across the back of his spangled jacket. The showgirls groove in the background as Norm grins and holds onto his sheaf of papers protectively. Finally, Ito jumps down and returns to his seat.]

Judge Lance Ito: Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! [much applause] I'd just like to mention, uh, [pulls card from pocket and reads it] I'd just like to mention that I'll be at the Sands in Las Vegas, December-- at the MGM Grand with Buddy Hackett, December nineteenth through the twenty-third. And if you're in town, you know, come on by, say hello. All right. [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Judge Ito. Thank you, Judge.

Judge Lance Ito: [rubs Norm's hair] Normy. [rises, points to camera] Hey, America, I love you! [to his girls] Yeah, come on, babies, let's go. [Ito and his girls exit.]

Norm MacDonald: Judge Ito.

It was revealed today that O. J. Simpson told police that Nicole Brown Simpson used to beat him up. He also claimed that she and Ron Goldman killed him. ... [applause]

Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against fur. She said wearing fur was in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tape a show entitled "Why Whores Get the Clap." ... [applause]

Yeah, Ricki Lake, you know, ah, she is - really is an animal lover though. She has three cats, two dogs and a big ass that follows her around everywhere. ... [Cheers, applause, groans, hoots, etc.]

Well, there may be trouble in paradise. Lisa Marie Presley confirmed this week that she and Michael Jackson live in separate residences, fifty miles away from each other. Lisa Marie was quoted as saying, "I guess being married to a homosexual pedophile wasn't such a great idea after all." ... [applause]

Researchers have developed a so-called "red wine pill" which gives all of the benefits of red wine without the alcohol. Yeah. It's called a grape! ...

Norm MacDonald: In other entertainment news, one of the world's biggest stars just completed a whirlwind three week world tour. Tonight he's agreed to come to Update to tell us about it. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!

[Much applause for Hasselhoff who wears a leather Planet Hollywood jacket.]

David Hasselhoff: Thank you! Thank you very much! [laughs at all the applause] My recent world tour was an incredible experience. I went to twenty-one countries in just fifteen days and I've got some amazing stories to tell. In Japan, for instance- instance, I was invited to the state dinner at the Emperor's Palace. What I didn't know was the emp--

Norm MacDonald: Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a second. Did you just say Japan?

David Hasselhoff: Yes, I did.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, no offense, you know, but I don't think anybody cares about Japan. Why don't you, ah, why don't you focus on the countries where you're, you know, you're popular?

David Hasselhoff: Oh. Well, in China we had an incredible experience. The entire cast of "Baywatch" was invited to the Great Wall where hundreds of thousands of Chinese people were chanting in unison, "Baywatch, Ba--"

Norm MacDonald: Whoaaaaa, whoaaa. Wait, wait. Chinese people?

David Hasselhoff: Yes, of course.

Norm MacDonald: Look, why don't we skip China? In fact, rule out all of Asia.

David Hasselhoff: Okay, okay. Well, I mean, what do you want to hear about? I mean, I've got some great stories from all over the world.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah? I was thinking, you know, ah, some place where you're especially popular, you know, like in, uh, Europe.

David Hasselhoff: Oh! Well, in Italy--

Norm MacDonald: Northern Europe, Northern Europe!

David Hasselhoff: Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay. I got you. There's one country that they absolutely love me -- Norway.

Norm MacDonald: Norway?! What, are you crazy?! They like everybody in Norway! Nobody gives a damn about Norway! What the hell's wrong with ya?

David Hasselhoff: Look, ah, what's going on here? I've never seen you like this.

Norm MacDonald: Well, ahhhh, to tell you the truth, you know, I didn't want to be the one to bring it up but, uh, what about Germany? I mean, how do the - how do the Germans feel about ya?

David Hasselhoff: Well, on this trip, we actually didn't stop in Germany--

Norm MacDonald: I don't care about your stupid trip!! Look, just tell me how you would characterize -- in one sentence -- the way Germans feel about you.

David Hasselhoff: Well, I've always been fortunate to get a very positive response from the Germans--

Norm MacDonald: Oh, my God! This is no time for false modesty! We're runnin' late, we gotta wrap this thing up! Do Germans love you?

David Hasselhoff: Well, "love" is an awfully strong word...

Norm MacDonald: [hand to head] Oh, listen, David, uh... Let's say a guy had a theory, all right?

David Hasselhoff: All right.

Norm MacDonald: A theory that he's devoted several years of his life to. And let's say he has a lot of evidence to back up this theory of his.

David Hasselhoff: All right.

Norm MacDonald: [puts a large pile of documents, file folders, etc., on desk -- Hasselhoff is stunned] Now, don't you think it would just be common courtesy to help that guy out, you know, and not - not ruin his life?

David Hasselhoff: Listen, I don't know what you want me to say here, pal.

Norm MacDonald: Oh my God, here, I'll write it down. [searches his pockets for a pencil, finds one, scribbles something on a piece of paper and gives it to David] Here! Say this!

David Hasselhoff: [puzzled, reads from paper] "Germans love me."

[Camera pans quickly from Hasselhoff to a beaming MacDonald who addresses the camera.]

Norm MacDonald: Which once again proves my theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [Cheers and applause.] And that's the news! See you next time. Thank you, David. [fusses with his pile of documents]

David Hasselhoff: [waves good-bye] Auf wiedersehen! [?], meine liebe! Auf wiedersehen! Auf wiedersehen!

Submitted Anonymously

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