Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... David Spade
Naomi Green ... Janene Garofalo
... Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits at the WU desk and organizes his sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...

GATT passed in the senate this week, 76 for GATT and 24 no idea what the hell GATT is. ... So that was a close one.

USAir is beginning a campaign to restore passenger confidence. I think just two little words will do that: "We've landed." ... [scattered applause]

Blimpies has started supplying subs for Delta Airlines to serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta is giving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in its restaurants. ... [applause]

Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week, Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers who called her names such as "slut" and "whore." Observers say the situation grew even worse when the crowd realized who she was. ... [cheers and applause]

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves] Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! ... [cheers and applause mixed with a sort of "can't believe he just said that" whoo-ing] Ahhhh, well - [David Spade, seated just off camera, says something quietly to Norm who responds:] I don't know.

Norm MacDonald: Well, professional baseball and hockey are still on strike and here with a commentary is David Spade! David. [Cheers and applause as we pan over to Spade in suit and tie.]

David Spade: All right! Thank you, Norman. I wanted to send a message to the players and owners and say, Is it really worth it? Come on. Let's put it in perspective, folks. These athletes better look down the road a bit 'cuz guess what?! Baseball's the only thing ya do! Huh? Yeah. What? Uh huh. ... It's not even a real job! Hi! ...

Guys, you've got families to support so brace yourself. 'Cuz if you stop playing, in about three years, you'll be hearing stuff like: "Wow, you're the Cy Young winner. You must have a really strong arm. Okay, the jackhammer's a little tricky so you gotta stay on top of it." ... "No way! You're a catcher? Wow, that's perfect 'cuz you might have to catch someone if they fall out of the Ferris wheel so make sure they ... keep the - safety bar down."

And hockey players - here's another group of guys with skills that translate well into the real world. "Hey! [snaps fingers] Quick! We need a doctor, an electrician and a guy who can skate backwards! ... Stat!"

See what's happening here? It can be a rough ride. And I can talk. I've been in a similar situation. This summer, I decided I was gonna go on strike here at Saturday Night Live if I didn't get a big fat raise. I'm worth it!, I told myself. They owe me. Well, the president of NBC looked at me and said, "And you are...?" ... [cheers and applause] So - I decided to come back - for the love of the game. And, uh -

Also, in the big picture, I'm lucky. Deep down, I know it. And they know it. And all of, heh, you know it. ... But, uh, you know, come on. Like I couldn't be replaced by any kid from "Saved By the Bell"? Let's get serious. ... Like Screech couldn't stand on an airplane and say, "Buh-bye! Buh - bye. Buh - bye. Z-z-z. Buh-bye." ... [applause] Oh, yeah, it's easier than it looks. ...

But, guys, I do feel sorry for ya. Ya haven't been able to play your road games so that means, for the last eight months, you've had to have sex with your own wives. Now nobody wants that. ... [more "can't believe he just said that" whoo-ing and applause - Spade turns briefly to Norm and raises his eyebrows in surprise - apparently, Norm gave him the line] So, take my advice: start negotiating and play ball! Back to you, Norm. [cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah!

David Spade: There ya go.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you, David. David Spade.

David Spade: Thank you for that joke. [Norm shakes Spade's hand and Spade exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was attacked and killed by another inmate this week. [cheers and applause] Just before the fight, Dahmer threatened, "Hey, don't mess with me, pal. I used to eat guys like you for breakfast!" ... [applause]

And a, uh, a priest - a priest says that he got Dahmer to believe in God before he died. Asked if this would get Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, uh, "No, but it was fun to make him think so." ...

And now, here with a commentary on the death of Jeffrey Dahmer, from the American Civil Liberties Union, Naomi Green. Naomi.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to humorless but passionate civil rights advocate Naomi Green.]

Naomi Green: Thank you, Norm. Each week, in prisons around the country, serial killers are the victims of vicious taunting, physical abuse, and even murder. Last week's tragic death of Jeffrey Dahmer is only the latest grim statistic. How many more Jeffrey Dahmers have to die ... before we as a nation say, "Enough!" and start to commit the resources necessary to protect these, our most vulnerable prison inmates? ... Otherwise, are we to become a nation where all men are created equal except for serial killers? ... And endowed with unalienable rights except for cannibals? ... And entitled to equal protection under the law except for necrophiliacs?! ... I hope not! In the days following Jeffrey Dahmer's death, I'm sure we all asked ourselves the same question: why him? God, why Jeffrey Dahmer?! Should I have been there? Could I have done something? ... But, as hard as it is to accept, the fact remains, nothing we can do now will bring Jeffrey Dahmer back. Though, maybe, if we learn from this tragedy, some good can come of it. And, Jeffrey, if you're out there watching--

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Naomi, I mean, wait a minute here. Let's remember, I mean, this Dahmer guy, you know, he wasn't a saint.

Naomi Green: Oh, really, Norm? You, as the arbiter of taste, the man who knows what good is, who is a better person than Jeffrey Dahmer?

Norm MacDonald: I don't know, uh - John Elway. ...

Naomi Green: Is he, Norm? Is he?

Norm MacDonald: Look, no offense there, lady, but you're really giving me the creeps, you know? ...

Naomi Green: Am I, Norm? Am I?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Get out o' here. Naomi Green, ladies and gentleman. [Cheers and applause as we cut back to Norm who tries to read the next news item only to be interrupted by a man's hand reaching into view to give Norm a news bulletin:]

And, in foreign news today, there's, ah - oh - ah - This just in, ah - [reads the bulletin aloud] Denver police report that Broncos quarterback John Elway ... has been taken into custody in connection with the disappearances of more then a dozen local teenagers. ... Well, I guess I owe Miss Green an apology.

[Cut wide to reveal Naomi Green still sitting beside Norm:]

Naomi Green: [arms folded] Do you, Norm? Do you? ...

Norm MacDonald: Get out o' here, would ya?! Geez! [Cheers and applause as a smug Naomi Green finally exits - Norm mutters to himself before jumping into the next news item:]

Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week! ... Oh, I'm sorry that should read, uh, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week." ... Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just - I didn't read it right. ...

And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews. This week, I saw "Interview with the Vampire." And here's - here's my review, um: "Not gay enough!" ... [some applause]

Last week, Queen Elizabeth won ten pounds in her country's national lottery. However, she has no plans to quit her job as Queen of England. ... Yeah, I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. You think I didn't know? ...

A Brooklyn man crossing an expressway on Monday was hit by at least ten cars. According to police, the man's body was spread over a two block area. Police also reported that various organs were flattened on the road and that his spine had been ripped out of his torso. The man is currently resting in stable condition at St. Mary's Hospital. ...

The new ad campaign for Duracell batteries is already having a dramatic effect. Over seventy percent of consumers say they now find the batteries, quote, "creepy and disturbing." ... [scattered applause]

Norm MacDonald: Tonight is the seventh night of Chanukah and here, to sing a Chanukah song, is - Adam Sandler! [Cheers and applause as we pan over to Adam Sandler and his trusty guitar]

Adam Sandler: [chuckles at Norm's introduction and tells him:] That was cool! [to crowd] Thank you, thank you, thank you, thanks, thanks very much. Um, well, uh, w-when I was a kid, ah, th-th-th-this time of year always - always made me feel a little left out because, uh, in school, there were so many Christmas songs, and all us Jewish kids had was the song "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" and, uh ... so, uh, I wrote a brand new Chanukah song for you Jewish kids to sing and I hope you like it!

[plays guitar and sings]
Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah!
So much fun-ukah
To celebrate Chanukah!

Chanukah is
The festival of lights;
Instead of one day of presents,
We have eight crazy nights!
But when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here's a list of people who are Jewish -
Just like you and me! ...

David Lee Roth
Lights the menorah.
So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan,
And the late Dinah Shore-a!
Guess who eats together
At the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from "Sha Na Na"
And Arthur Fonzarelli! ...
Paul Newman's half Jewish
And Goldie Hawn's half, too;
Put them together -
What a fine-looking Jew! ...

[Cheers and applause, Sandler has to pause before continuing:]

You - You don't need "Deck the Halls"
Or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel
With Captain Kirk and Mister Spock

(Both Jewish!)

Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah.
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-a
Celebrates Chanukah.

O. J. Simpson ----
Not a Jew! ...
But guess who is?
Hall of Famer Rod Carew!

(He - he converted. Ahem.)
We got Ann Landers
And her sister, Dear Abby;
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -
Not too shabby! ...
Some people think
That Ebeneezer Scrooge is.
Well, he's not, but guess who is?
All three Stooges! ...

[More cheers and applause, Sandler says, "Oh, boy."]

So - ho -
So many Jews are in
Show biz.
Tom Cruise isn't
But I think his agent is! ...

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah;
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah;
So drink your gin and tonic-a
But don't smoke marijuana-kah;
If you really, really wanna-kah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah!

[Tremendous cheers and applause that continues to the end of the news]

Happy Chanukah, everybody! Thank you. [waves as we pull back to include Norm]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! Yeah!

Adam Sandler: Thank you. [points to Norm] Norm!

Norm MacDonald: [impressed, either with Sandler or all the applause he's generated] Oh, my God. [Sandler shakes his head and waves again] The Great Sandu! [straightens his disorganized sheaf of papers]

Adam Sandler: Oh, my!

Norm MacDonald: [points to Sandler] He's a - he's a fine-lookin' Jew!

Adam Sandler: Right on!

Norm MacDonald: [waves] That's all the news! Good night and good luck!

[Music. Sandler waves. Norm shakes hands with Sandler and says something complimentary to him, then removes the microphone from his necktie as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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