Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... David Spade
Naomi Green ... Janene Garofalo
... Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and red necktie, sits at
the WU desk and organizes his sheaf of papers. Music.
SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I'm Norm
MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...
GATT passed in the senate this week, 76 for
GATT and 24 no idea what the hell GATT is.
... So that was a close one.
USAir is beginning a campaign to restore passenger
confidence. I think just two little words will do
that: "We've landed." ... [scattered
Blimpies has started supplying subs for Delta Airlines
to serve on its flights. And, in return, Delta is
giving Blimpies barf bags to hand out in its
restaurants. ... [applause]
Standing outside a New York City courtroom this week,
Paula Jones was berated by passing New Yorkers who
called her names such as "slut" and "whore." Observers
say the situation grew even worse when the crowd
realized who she was. ... [cheers and
Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. [waves]
Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! ...
[cheers and applause mixed with a sort of "can't
believe he just said that" whoo-ing] Ahhhh, well -
[David Spade, seated just off camera, says something
quietly to Norm who responds:] I don't know.
Norm MacDonald: Well, professional baseball and
hockey are still on strike and here with a commentary
is David Spade! David. [Cheers and applause as we pan
over to Spade in suit and tie.]
David Spade: All right! Thank you, Norman. I
wanted to send a message to the players and owners and
say, Is it really worth it? Come on. Let's put it in
perspective, folks. These athletes better look down
the road a bit 'cuz guess what?! Baseball's the
only thing ya do! Huh? Yeah. What? Uh huh. ... It's
not even a real job! Hi! ...
Guys, you've got families to support so brace
yourself. 'Cuz if you stop playing, in about three
years, you'll be hearing stuff like: "Wow, you're the
Cy Young winner. You must have a really strong arm.
Okay, the jackhammer's a little tricky so you gotta
stay on top of it." ... "No way! You're a catcher?
Wow, that's perfect 'cuz you might have to catch
someone if they fall out of the Ferris wheel so
make sure they ... keep the - safety bar
And hockey players - here's another group of guys with
skills that translate well into the real world. "Hey!
[snaps fingers] Quick! We need a doctor, an
electrician and a guy who can skate backwards! ...
See what's happening here? It can be a rough ride. And
I can talk. I've been in a similar situation. This
summer, I decided I was gonna go on strike here at
Saturday Night Live if I didn't get a big fat raise.
I'm worth it!, I told myself. They owe
me. Well, the president of NBC looked at me and
said, "And you are...?" ... [cheers and applause] So -
I decided to come back - for the love of the game.
And, uh -
Also, in the big picture, I'm lucky. Deep down, I know
it. And they know it. And all of, heh, you know it.
... But, uh, you know, come on. Like I couldn't be
replaced by any kid from "Saved By the Bell"?
Let's get serious. ... Like Screech couldn't stand on
an airplane and say, "Buh-bye! Buh - bye. Buh - bye.
Z-z-z. Buh-bye." ... [applause] Oh, yeah, it's easier
than it looks. ...
But, guys, I do feel sorry for ya. Ya haven't been
able to play your road games so that means, for the
last eight months, you've had to have sex with your
own wives. Now nobody wants that. ... [more "can't
believe he just said that" whoo-ing and applause -
Spade turns briefly to Norm and raises his eyebrows in
surprise - apparently, Norm gave him the line] So,
take my advice: start negotiating and play
ball! Back to you, Norm. [cheers and
Norm MacDonald: Yeah!
David Spade: There ya go.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you, David. David
David Spade: Thank you for that joke. [Norm
shakes Spade's hand and Spade exits.]
Norm MacDonald: Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer
was attacked and killed by another inmate this week.
[cheers and applause] Just before the fight, Dahmer
threatened, "Hey, don't mess with me, pal. I used to
eat guys like you for breakfast!" ...
And a, uh, a priest - a priest says that he got Dahmer
to believe in God before he died. Asked if this would
get Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, uh, "No, but
it was fun to make him think so." ...
And now, here with a commentary on the death of
Jeffrey Dahmer, from the American Civil Liberties
Union, Naomi Green. Naomi.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to humorless but
passionate civil rights advocate Naomi Green.]
Naomi Green: Thank you, Norm. Each week, in
prisons around the country, serial killers are the
victims of vicious taunting, physical abuse, and even
murder. Last week's tragic death of Jeffrey Dahmer is
only the latest grim statistic. How many more Jeffrey
Dahmers have to die ... before we as a nation say,
"Enough!" and start to commit the resources necessary
to protect these, our most vulnerable prison inmates?
... Otherwise, are we to become a nation where all men
are created equal except for serial killers?
... And endowed with unalienable rights except
for cannibals? ... And entitled to equal protection
under the law except for necrophiliacs?! ... I
hope not! In the days following Jeffrey Dahmer's
death, I'm sure we all asked ourselves the same
question: why him? God, why Jeffrey Dahmer?!
Should I have been there? Could I have done something?
... But, as hard as it is to accept, the fact remains,
nothing we can do now will bring Jeffrey Dahmer back.
Though, maybe, if we learn from this tragedy, some
good can come of it. And, Jeffrey, if you're out there
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Naomi,
I mean, wait a minute here. Let's remember, I mean,
this Dahmer guy, you know, he wasn't a saint.
Naomi Green: Oh, really, Norm? You, as the
arbiter of taste, the man who knows what good is, who
is a better person than Jeffrey Dahmer?
Norm MacDonald: I don't know, uh - John Elway.
Naomi Green: Is he, Norm? Is he?
Norm MacDonald: Look, no offense there, lady,
but you're really giving me the creeps, you know?
Naomi Green: Am I, Norm? Am I?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Get out o' here. Naomi
Green, ladies and gentleman. [Cheers and applause as
we cut back to Norm who tries to read the next news
item only to be interrupted by a man's hand reaching
into view to give Norm a news bulletin:]
And, in foreign news today, there's, ah - oh - ah -
This just in, ah - [reads the bulletin aloud] Denver
police report that Broncos quarterback John Elway ...
has been taken into custody in connection with the
disappearances of more then a dozen local teenagers.
... Well, I guess I owe Miss Green an apology.
[Cut wide to reveal Naomi Green still sitting beside
Naomi Green: [arms folded] Do you, Norm? Do
Norm MacDonald: Get out o' here, would ya?!
Geez! [Cheers and applause as a smug Naomi Green
finally exits - Norm mutters to himself before jumping
into the next news item:]
Yippee! Jerry Rubin died last week! ... Oh, I'm sorry
that should read, uh, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last
week." ... Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake
completely. Just - I didn't read it right. ...
And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews.
This week, I saw "Interview with the Vampire." And
here's - here's my review, um: "Not gay
enough!" ... [some applause]
Last week, Queen Elizabeth won ten pounds in her
country's national lottery. However, she has no plans
to quit her job as Queen of England. ... Yeah,
I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. I knew. You think I
didn't know? ...
A Brooklyn man crossing an expressway on Monday was
hit by at least ten cars. According to police, the
man's body was spread over a two block area. Police
also reported that various organs were flattened on
the road and that his spine had been ripped out of his
torso. The man is currently resting in stable
condition at St. Mary's Hospital. ...
The new ad campaign for Duracell batteries is already
having a dramatic effect. Over seventy percent of
consumers say they now find the batteries, quote,
"creepy and disturbing." ... [scattered
Norm MacDonald: Tonight is the seventh night of
Chanukah and here, to sing a Chanukah song, is - Adam
Sandler! [Cheers and applause as we pan over to Adam
Sandler and his trusty guitar]
Adam Sandler: [chuckles at Norm's introduction
and tells him:] That was cool! [to crowd] Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thanks, thanks very much. Um,
well, uh, w-when I was a kid, ah, th-th-th-this time
of year always - always made me feel a little left out
because, uh, in school, there were so many Christmas
songs, and all us Jewish kids had was the song
"Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" and, uh ... so, uh, I
wrote a brand new Chanukah song for you Jewish kids to
sing and I hope you like it!
[plays guitar and sings]
Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah!
So much fun-ukah
To celebrate Chanukah!
The festival of lights;
Instead of one day of presents,
We have eight crazy nights!
But when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here's a list of people who are Jewish -
Just like you and me! ...
David Lee Roth
Lights the menorah.
So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan,
And the late Dinah Shore-a!
Guess who eats together
At the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from "Sha Na Na"
And Arthur Fonzarelli! ...
Paul Newman's half Jewish
And Goldie Hawn's half, too;
Put them together -
What a fine-looking Jew! ...
[Cheers and applause, Sandler has to pause before
You - You don't need "Deck the Halls"
Or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel
With Captain Kirk and Mister Spock
Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Chanukah.
The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-a
O. J. Simpson ----
Not a Jew! ...
But guess who is?
Hall of Famer Rod Carew!
(He - he converted. Ahem.)
We got Ann Landers
And her sister, Dear Abby;
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -
Not too shabby! ...
Some people think
That Ebeneezer Scrooge is.
Well, he's not, but guess who is?
All three Stooges! ...
[More cheers and applause, Sandler says, "Oh,
So - ho -
So many Jews are in
Tom Cruise isn't
But I think his agent is! ...
Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah;
I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah;
So drink your gin and tonic-a
But don't smoke marijuana-kah;
If you really, really wanna-kah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy
[Tremendous cheers and applause that continues to the
end of the news]
Happy Chanukah, everybody! Thank you. [waves as we
pull back to include Norm]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody!
Adam Sandler: Thank you. [points to Norm]
Norm MacDonald: [impressed, either with Sandler
or all the applause he's generated] Oh, my God.
[Sandler shakes his head and waves again] The Great
Sandu! [straightens his disorganized sheaf of
Adam Sandler: Oh, my!
Norm MacDonald: [points to Sandler] He's a -
he's a fine-lookin' Jew!
Adam Sandler: Right on!
Norm MacDonald: [waves] That's all the news!
Good night and good luck!
[Music. Sandler waves. Norm shakes hands with Sandler
and says something complimentary to him, then removes
the microphone from his necktie as we fade