Dad: Anything at all?!
Mom: Did you look around?
Dad: Did you look in the basement? Did you look in the front yard?
Mom: [ disappointed at the putcome ] Ohhh..
Dad: Again? Again?! I can't believe it! We've been good all year! Did you send the chekc to the United Way?
Mom: Yes, I did.
Dad: Are you sure you didn't forget?
Mom: Carl, you were there! Don't blame this on me!
[ the doorbell rings, Dad answers the door to find a Police Officer standing on the porch holding parts of their exterior Christmas decorations in his hands ]
Police Officer: Hi. Excuse me - are these yours?
Police Officer: They were blowing down the street.
Dad: [ grumpy ] So they must have fallen down. Thank you.
Police Officer: That's some display you got out front. Waht's that white thing you got on the roof?
Dad: ..It's a salt lick.
Mom: For the reindeer?
Police Officer: [ chuckling ] Yeah, right! [ looks at the Christmas tree bearing no presents beneath, three sad-looking children surrounding the tree ] Hey, uh.. is everytihng okay here?
Dad: Well.. they didn't get anything for Christmas.
Dad: The wife and I can handle it, but it's very hard on the kids.
Police Officer: Oh, gee, that's terrible.. Hey, I tell you what.. [ pulls a twnety out of his wallet ] Here.
Dad: What's this?
Police Officer: Ah, go ahead. Take it. Just 'til you get your feet back on.
Dad: [ confused ] My feet are back on. I've had the best year of my life.
Police Officer: [ confused as well ] Well, then.. what's the problem?
Mom: I don't know, Officer, we've been racking our brains, we can't figure it out..
Police Officer: Hmm..
Dad: The kids have been good, they've been little angels all year. so have we. Mary's even been volunteering at the children's hospital!
Mom: And he's been working at the soup kitchen - and look! We had a new chimney put in! It's the biggest one they make - the kind bakeries use!
Dad: And we left cookies out.. and milk! [ points to the various pitchers of milk on the mantel ] Look - whole milk, skim milk, 2% milk, got's milk. I mean, for God's sake, this is moose milk! [ outraged ] What does this fat, sleigh-riding sonofabitch WANT from us?!!
Mom: [ screams in panic ] Ssshh! He can hear us! [ turns to the police officer ] Did he come to your house this year?
Police Officer: Yes.
Dad: Oh, of course he did - Officer!
Police Officer: [ more confused than ever ] Uh.. I'm not following something.. did.. did somebody steal the presents?
Dad: [ sighs his exasperation ] Haven't you been listening? Hell-o-o-o-o??! Officer! There are no presents!
Police Officer: [ unable to comprehend this as being for real ] You didn't buy anything?
Mom: [ confused ] Why would we buy anything?!
Police Officer: [ scratches his head ] Are you people mentally..? I mean, the thing is.. you're supposed to buy the presents.
Dad: Ri-i-i-ight.. good plan. We buy the toys.. then Santa comes down the chimney, sees our toys, and what? He'd be furious! That's his job! We'd never get off that damn naughty list!
Police Officer: Okay.. okay, I understand.. okay.. [ attempts to explain the reality of Christmas to these people ] There's nooo.. you.. [ not sure where to even start ] There is no Santa Claus! Okay? That's just something you tell the kids.
Mom: And the toys appear how? Black magic? [ laughs ] Come on! The elves make the toys, and then - poof! There they are, and you wake up!
Police Officer: Look.. you buy the presents! The parents buy the presents! Then, after the kids go to sleep, you put them around the tree, you eat the cookies and drink the milk!
Mom: But.. [ confused ] Why even bother with the cookies and milk?
Police Officer: [ clears throat ] Well, that's part of the fun!
Mom: [ can't believe where this nut has been ] Oh.. okay.. I see. That explains everything. Doesn't it, darling?
Dad: Yeah, it certainly does, darling! What were we thinking!
Police Officer: [ fails to realize these people still don't get it, that they're just putting him on ]
Dad: Hey - how embarrassing!
Dad: We're certainly glad you stopped by, Offficer.
Mom: Thank you. Season's Greetings.
Police Officer: Glad I could help. Have a Merry Christmas!
Dad: Merry Christmas.
[ they show the Police Officer out, then shut the door ]
Dad: Our tax dollars at work.
Mom: Don't worry - I got his badge number, I'm gonna report him. Come here, kids.
[ Mom and Dad sit on the couch, as the kids climb on their laps ]
Dad: Okay, kids. Next year begins now. Stop crying, 'cause Santa hates crying. We've gotta try even better!
Mom: You know what? Next year, we can leave out more cookies! And fresher milk! We'll make bigger signs, better signs! Neon signs!
Together as a family: YAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!
[ fade ]