Family Road Trip

Dad.....Michael McKean
Mom.....Janene Garafalo



[ open on family taking a road trip to Grandma's - Dad and Mom in the front, with an unseen number of children making various noises in the backseat ]

Dad: Hey.. hey! Quiet down back there, no roughhousing. I will stop this car!

Mom: Listen, kids.. we're halfway to Grandma's - only three more hours. Now, Travis, you keep your seatbelt buckled! Maryann, roll up the window, you're letting the heat out!

Dad: What? Jason.. you just went! .. No! I'm not stopping! Just think about something else. [ an object is thrown at his head ] Alright - who threw that?! Put that down, you'll get it back when you get to Grandma's! Now settle down! I will stop this car! Don't test me, I'll pull over! [ grabs a weapon from the back seat ] Julia, give me that.

Mom: Oh..

Dad: We'll discuss this later. Alright, let's play a game, shall we? Who can be quiet the longest? Okay, ready? Go! [ the noises persist ] That's it, you all lose.

Mom: Christie.. baby.. what is that? Spit it out. Give me that, is tha- Who gave the baby gum?! Ah, that's disgusting! Ohhh.. next time, Grandma's coming to our house.

Dad: Yeah, I hear ya.. I hear ya.. [ a hand yanks at his sweater ] Hey! Let go of my sweater! I'm driving here, let go! I will stop this car! Carl and Lisa, separate! Do you want me to stop this car?! [ blowtorch ] Turn off that assembling torch! Torch off! That is not a car toy! I mean it! Do not test me, young man!

Mom: I know.. let's sing our Family Song. "When you're down.."

Together: "..and troubled.. and you need a helping hand.. [ Mom reaches back to seize a bong from one of the kids ] ..and nothing, no nothing, is going right."

[ blood ]

Mom: Ohhh!

Dad: Oh, geez! Would you.. stop! Put a tourniquet on your sister now! N-O-W - now! I'm.. I will pull over right here! I am not bluff- I am not bluffing! Do you understand? I am- [ points his finger at the kids, but it's grabbed violently ] Please! That is my driving finger! Let go! I will stop this car!

[ suddenly, one of the kids is seen looking into the car from the other side of the windshield ]

Mom: Ohhhhh, Wesley!

Dad: Wesley, what are you doing?

Mom: Ohhhhh..

Dad: Wesley, get back in here this minute! I mean it! I will stop this car! I will- do you hear the tone in my voice?! I will stop this car!

Mom: Okay, that is why we keep our seatbelts fasten- [ shot ] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Dad: Oh, God.. alright, who shot your mother?! I won't- I won't be angry, I just want to know. Now, Mavis, give me the gun! Give me the gun, Mavis! Mavis, give me the gun!

[ car goes over the bridge, into the river ]

Dad: Alright, roll up the window, we don't want a lot of water in here!

Mom: Roll it up!

Dad: Timmy, don't put that fish in your mouth! Wesley! Get your butt in here now!

Mom: Get.. in.. the.. carrrr..!

Dad: N-O-W - I will stop this car!

[ pan back to reveal fake car prop in front of a green screen, as we fade ]


SNL Transcripts