Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald

[Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sits at the WU desk, takes a pencil out of his jacket pocket, smiles at someone off camera, and removes the paper clip from his sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...

PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that his wife is pregnant. The happy couple said they really don't care if the child is a boy or girl, just as long as it hates Jews. ...

The California Senate voted 38 to zero to name state Route 118, The Ronald Reagan Freeway. The 83-year-old former president joked, "People have tried to drive over me for years. This is the first time I will actually welcome it." And then everybody enjoyed a good laugh, even though they had no idea what the hell he was talkin' about. ...

Airline travelers' complaints have risen 22 percent over the last year. The single most common complaint was, "They lost my baggage," followed closely by "I didn't like being in that fiery plane crash." ...

Well, more bad news for Governor-elect George Pataki. An audit reveals that, due to years of lax security, New York's reservoirs are, quote: "Ninety percent urine." ... [one scream]

Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quayle, huh, for finally changing his image. You used to look at him and think: "potato spelled with an 'e'" -- now you look at him and think: "blood clot." ...

[Image of postage stamp with photo of nuclear blast] The U.S. Postal Service this week canceled plans for a stamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. They will instead release a different stamp -- here it is -- [Another stamp depicting the famous 1968 photo of South Vietnam's national police commander putting a gun to the head of a Vietcong prisoner on the streets of Saigon, credited by many with helping to turn U.S. public opinion against the Vietnam War.] -- that ah ... Hopefully, it will -- people will find it less offensive, that one. ...

Jeffrey Dahmer's relatives are reportedly fighting over what to do with his body. ... Yeah, that's right. [Some cheers and applause, someone yells, "Burn it!"] Yeah, well, some want to have sex with it, while the rest want to put it in the fridge. So that's, uh ... [not many laughs] Should've stopped at the premise that time.

[Image of the cover of Entertainment Weekly] The, uh, the cast of America's hottest new show, ER, have landed themselves on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. They're all there - the most popular bunch of actors on TV. [Norm turns to the image] There's that guy and, uh, the other guy over there - there's the black guy there - and the frizzy haired lady - and the - there's that blonde doctor girl over there. There they are - America's hottest group of actors! ... [Norm nods and grins, some cheers and applause] There they are.

Well, a study this week reports seafood is good for you unless it's fried. Yet another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical journal, "DUH" ... [Image of the October 1994 cover of DUH which features a photo of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE IS GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT FOR BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH]

A new study shows that a few simple tests may be able to-- may be able to determine which elderly drivers are most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the tests all involve a lot of old people driving cars into trees. ... Kinda sad.

Scientists have created a genetically superior Christmas tree that will be taller, stronger, and tougher than other trees. One downside, uh, if you don't like your presents, it will kill you. ... That's a hell of downside there!

And, ah - here's a story. Scientists have discovered that rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walk again after being treated with a combination drug therapy. That's good news, huh? Gettin' all those rats up and around again? ... [scattered applause]

A new FBI study shows that, for the first time, Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice: introduce yourself to as many people as possible. ... [scattered applause]

[Photo of a one-legged goose with a dart in its head] A one-legged goose with a dart in its head. And I complain about my life. You know? ... It's tougher for the one-legged goose.

Hey, Lisa Marie Presley said that she and Michael are still together and happy, this week. She also made a revalation that she is actually a nine-year-old boy. ...

[Norm gets confused over which camera to address] Is that it? Whoop! There I am! I thought I was over there.

A sheepdog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in its stomach was found at JFK airport earlier this week. A customs agent got suspicious when he saw two airline employees taking turns sniffing the dog's ass. ... [cheers and applause]

And that's all the news. Thanks, folks, see you later.

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade away as Norm shuffles his papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

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