Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
[Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sits at the WU desk,
takes a pencil out of his jacket pocket, smiles at
someone off camera, and removes the paper clip from
his sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE /
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thanks. I'm Norm
MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...
PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that his
wife is pregnant. The happy couple said they really
don't care if the child is a boy or girl, just as long
as it hates Jews. ...
The California Senate voted 38 to zero to name state
Route 118, The Ronald Reagan Freeway. The 83-year-old
former president joked, "People have tried to drive
over me for years. This is the first time I will
actually welcome it." And then everybody enjoyed a
good laugh, even though they had no idea what the hell
he was talkin' about. ...
Airline travelers' complaints have risen 22 percent
over the last year. The single most common complaint
was, "They lost my baggage," followed closely by "I
didn't like being in that fiery plane crash."
Well, more bad news for Governor-elect George Pataki.
An audit reveals that, due to years of lax security,
New York's reservoirs are, quote: "Ninety percent
urine." ... [one scream]
Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Quayle, huh, for
finally changing his image. You used to look at him
and think: "potato spelled with an 'e'" -- now you
look at him and think: "blood clot." ...
[Image of postage stamp with photo of nuclear blast]
The U.S. Postal Service this week canceled plans for a
stamp commemorating the bombing of Hiroshima. They
will instead release a different stamp -- here it is
-- [Another stamp depicting the famous 1968 photo of
South Vietnam's national police commander putting a
gun to the head of a Vietcong prisoner on the streets
of Saigon, credited by many with helping to turn U.S.
public opinion against the Vietnam War.] -- that ah
... Hopefully, it will -- people will find it less
offensive, that one. ...
Jeffrey Dahmer's relatives are reportedly fighting
over what to do with his body. ... Yeah, that's right.
[Some cheers and applause, someone yells, "Burn it!"]
Yeah, well, some want to have sex with it, while the
rest want to put it in the fridge. So that's, uh ...
[not many laughs] Should've stopped at the premise
[Image of the cover of Entertainment Weekly] The, uh,
the cast of America's hottest new show, ER, have
landed themselves on the cover of Entertainment
Weekly. They're all there - the most popular bunch of
actors on TV. [Norm turns to the image] There's that
guy and, uh, the other guy over there - there's the
black guy there - and the frizzy haired lady - and the
- there's that blonde doctor girl over there. There
they are - America's hottest group of actors! ...
[Norm nods and grins, some cheers and applause] There
Well, a study this week reports seafood is good for
you unless it's fried. Yet another groundbreaking
story from the pages of the medical journal, "DUH" ...
[Image of the October 1994 cover of DUH which features
a photo of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE
IS GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT
FOR BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH]
A new study shows that a few simple tests may be able
to-- may be able to determine which elderly drivers
are most likely to have accidents. Sadly, the tests
all involve a lot of old people driving cars into
trees. ... Kinda sad.
Scientists have created a genetically superior
Christmas tree that will be taller, stronger, and
tougher than other trees. One downside, uh, if you
don't like your presents, it will kill you. ...
That's a hell of downside there!
And, ah - here's a story. Scientists have discovered
that rats with spinal cord injuries were able to walk
again after being treated with a combination drug
therapy. That's good news, huh? Gettin' all those rats
up and around again? ... [scattered applause]
A new FBI study shows that, for the first time,
Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger
than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice:
introduce yourself to as many people as possible. ...
[Photo of a one-legged goose with a dart in its head]
A one-legged goose with a dart in its head. And I
complain about my life. You know? ... It's tougher for
the one-legged goose.
Hey, Lisa Marie Presley said that she and Michael are
still together and happy, this week. She also made a
revalation that she is actually a nine-year-old boy.
[Norm gets confused over which camera to address] Is
that it? Whoop! There I am! I thought I was over
A sheepdog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in its
stomach was found at JFK airport earlier this week. A
customs agent got suspicious when he saw two airline
employees taking turns sniffing the dog's ass. ...
[cheers and applause]
And that's all the news. Thanks, folks, see you later.
[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade away
as Norm shuffles his papers.]