Chris Elliott's Bedtime Story
... Chris Elliott
... George Foreman
... Lorne Michaels
... Chris Farley
[Outside the host's dressing room, Chris Elliott
appears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wears
sneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt.
Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and a
pillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suit
and tie, opens the door and greets Chris
George Foreman: Hi, Chris!
Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin'? Mind
if I come in? [Chris breezes past George and enters
the dressing room.]
George Foreman: I guess not.
[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow on
the dressing room sofa and happily sits beside
Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivel
chair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have a
seat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helps
himself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery!
[chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, I
just want to say you're doin' a great job out there. I
mean, you really are top bananas out there. You're
coconuts. You're slingin' the zingers six ways to
Sunday. [laughs] So, tip o' the hat to you, milady.
[mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]
George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey,
Chris, what do you want exactly?
Chris Elliott: Well - a direct question -
deserves a direct answer. George -- [Chris puts a hand
on his own chest] Chris - is sleepy.
George Foreman: Mm hm.
Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the most
comfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don't mind, I
think I'm gonna take a little -- [belches] -- nap.
[starts taking his sneakers off]
George Foreman: Well, I guess I don't mind. But
don't you have a little skit to put on out
Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me.
I'm gonna leave that for the kids. You know, the
Farleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let those
birds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest a
little while. [chuckles]
George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one of
his own] Seems like a young boy like you should have a
little more energy.
Chris Elliott: You know, you're absolutely
right. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have that
Yuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I'm as lethargic as
a kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]
George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch]
Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but I
better get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]
Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair to
the sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George.
[high-pitched giggle] It's not quite that simple. You
come right over here and have a little seat for a
second. [guides George to chair - George sits, Chris
sits on sofa] You see, the problem is - old Chrissy,
he can't fall asleep unless somebody reads to him.
[pulls a children's book from under the blankets and
offers it to George]
George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on,
now. [takes book]
Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously.
Please. I - I - Honestly, I can't fall asleep unless
somebody reads-- My wife used to have to read to me
every night - [darkly] - before she moved away.
[George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please?
Come on, George. It's a short one. Please?
George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh...
[chuckles, reluctantly gives in]
Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets under
the covers] Thank you.
George Foreman: [looks at the cover of the
book, reads the title aloud] "Goodnight Moon"
Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispers
excitedly] Read who it's by!
George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown.
Pictures by -- Clement Hurd?
Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] He
sounds like a weirdo!
George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent]
Come on, Chris. It's not nice to make fun of people's
Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. But
Clement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement!
Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbing
up and down like a little kid]
George Foreman: [like a stern parent] All
right, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chris
settles down and listens intently as George reads
aloud from Margaret Wise Brown's 1947 children's
classic] "In the great green room, there was a
telephone and a red balloon and a picture of--" [turns
page] "-- the cow jumpin' over the moon."
Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see the
picture. [George shows him the picture, Chris stares
at it intently, then very serious] Cows can't really
George Foreman: [sighs] Just in
Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That's
what my wife told me.
George Foreman: [reading aloud] "And there were
three little bears - sittin' in chairs. [turns page]
Two little kittens - and a pair of mittens."
Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenly
playful and increasingly loud] You know what's better
than mittens? Plippens. You know what's better than
plippens? Blippens! You know what's better than
blippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]
George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That's enough,
now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonna
Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I'm sorry
- I'm just shakin' me sillies out!
[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where cast
member Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading a
computer printout. He snaps to attention as producer
Lorne Michaels suddenly enters.]
Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seen
Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news]
I think Elliott got to him.
Lorne Michaels: [worried] Oh, no. "Goodnight
Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes]
[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chris
listens intently to George.]
George Foreman: [reads aloud] "Goodnight
clocks. Goodnight socks."
Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George.
Do you think they'll ever invent a car that can
George Foreman: I don't know, Chris.
Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if they
did, then - there wouldn't be any traffic - because
people would just fly over the trees.
George Foreman: I suppose you're right about
Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I - I
apologize for this. Why don't you go to wardrobe
George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] I
can't thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving the
Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo.
Knock 'em dead!
Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris--
Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.
Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] I
don't put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I do
tend to frown on nap-taking during the show.
Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well,
don't yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The whole
thing was his idea. The whole shebang!
Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it'd be better if
you just - slept it off.
Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne's knee] Well,
that's very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problem
is - there's no way on God's green Earth that I can
fall asleep - unless you read to me. [solemnly hands
Lorne the book]
Lorne Michaels: "Goodnight Moon"?
Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read who
Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown.
Pictures by Clement Hurd.
Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]
Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know.
Chris Elliott: It is.
[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorne
flips to the first page and begins to read to him.
Applause. Pull back and fade away.]