Chris Elliott's Bedtime Story

... Chris Elliott
... George Foreman
... Lorne Michaels
... Chris Farley

[Outside the host's dressing room, Chris Elliott appears and knocks on the dressing room door. He wears sneakers, jeans, and a flannel shirt over a T-shirt. Under one arm, he carries rolled-up blankets and a pillow. Host George Foreman, looking dapper in suit and tie, opens the door and greets Chris cheerily.]

George Foreman: Hi, Chris!

Chris Elliott: Hi, George! How ya doin'? Mind if I come in? [Chris breezes past George and enters the dressing room.]

George Foreman: I guess not.

[Once inside, Chris places the blankets and pillow on the dressing room sofa and happily sits beside them.]

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy. [points to a swivel chair opposite, pleasantly] Sit down, George. Have a seat. [George shuts the door and sits as Chris helps himself to a tray of vegetables] Ooh, celery! [chuckles, eats celery, talks with mouth full] Hey, I just want to say you're doin' a great job out there. I mean, you really are top bananas out there. You're coconuts. You're slingin' the zingers six ways to Sunday. [laughs] So, tip o' the hat to you, milady. [mimes tipping a hat, laughs some more]

George Foreman: [slightly impatient] Hey, Chris, what do you want exactly?

Chris Elliott: Well - a direct question - deserves a direct answer. George -- [Chris puts a hand on his own chest] Chris - is sleepy.

George Foreman: Mm hm.

Chris Elliott: And, uh, this being the most comfortable sofa backstage, well, if you don't mind, I think I'm gonna take a little -- [belches] -- nap. [starts taking his sneakers off]

George Foreman: Well, I guess I don't mind. But don't you have a little skit to put on out there?

Chris Elliott: [casually] Ah, George, not me. I'm gonna leave that for the kids. You know, the Farleys and the Spades and the Piscopos. Let those birds fly. This little tweet-tweet wants to nest a little while. [chuckles]

George Foreman: [mocks his chuckle with one of his own] Seems like a young boy like you should have a little more energy.

Chris Elliott: You know, you're absolutely right. I mean, ah, sometimes I think maybe I have that Yuppie disease. [laughs] You know, I'm as lethargic as a kitty with a belly full of milk. [laughs]

George Foreman: [rises, checks his wristwatch] Uh, look, Chris, you can lie down for a while but I better get over to wardrobe. [starts to exit]

Chris Elliott: [rises, pulls swivel chair to the sofa] Oh, oh, no, no, George, George. [high-pitched giggle] It's not quite that simple. You come right over here and have a little seat for a second. [guides George to chair - George sits, Chris sits on sofa] You see, the problem is - old Chrissy, he can't fall asleep unless somebody reads to him. [pulls a children's book from under the blankets and offers it to George]

George Foreman: [mild disbelief] Ohhh, come on, now. [takes book]

Chris Elliott: Oh, come on, George. Seriously. Please. I - I - Honestly, I can't fall asleep unless somebody reads-- My wife used to have to read to me every night - [darkly] - before she moved away. [George smiles, chuckles, shakes his head] Please? Come on, George. It's a short one. Please?

George Foreman: [uncertainly] Ahhh... [chuckles, reluctantly gives in]

Chris Elliott: [grins, lies down, gets under the covers] Thank you.

George Foreman: [looks at the cover of the book, reads the title aloud] "Goodnight Moon"

Chris Elliott: [reverts to childhood, whispers excitedly] Read who it's by!

George Foreman: By Margaret Wise Brown. Pictures by -- Clement Hurd?

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles] He sounds like a weirdo!

George Foreman: [assumes the role of parent] Come on, Chris. It's not nice to make fun of people's names.

Chris Elliott: Oh, I know, George. But Clement? [high-pitched British accent] Clement! Clement, come in for tea and brunch, Clement! [bobbing up and down like a little kid]

George Foreman: [like a stern parent] All right, all right, all right! Now, settle down. [Chris settles down and listens intently as George reads aloud from Margaret Wise Brown's 1947 children's classic] "In the great green room, there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of--" [turns page] "-- the cow jumpin' over the moon."

Chris Elliott: [quietly] Let me see the picture. [George shows him the picture, Chris stares at it intently, then very serious] Cows can't really fly.

George Foreman: [sighs] Just in make-believe.

Chris Elliott: [a little sad] I know. That's what my wife told me.

George Foreman: [reading aloud] "And there were three little bears - sittin' in chairs. [turns page] Two little kittens - and a pair of mittens."

Chris Elliott: [repeats] Mittens. [suddenly playful and increasingly loud] You know what's better than mittens? Plippens. You know what's better than plippens? Blippens! You know what's better than blippens? Beepens!! [bobs up and down again]

George Foreman: Come on, Chris! That's enough, now! Are you gonna goof around or are you gonna listen?

Chris Elliott: [tries to settle down] I'm sorry - I'm just shakin' me sillies out!

[Quick dissolve to SNL reception desk where cast member Chris Farley stands, in suit and tie, reading a computer printout. He snaps to attention as producer Lorne Michaels suddenly enters.]

Lorne Michaels: Chris, have you seen George?

Chris Farley: [reluctantly imparting bad news] I think Elliott got to him.

Lorne Michaels: [worried] Oh, no. "Goodnight Moon."

Chris Farley: [raises eyebrows, lowers eyes] 'Fraid so.

[Quick dissolve back to dressing room where Chris listens intently to George.]

George Foreman: [reads aloud] "Goodnight clocks. Goodnight socks."

Chris Elliott: [quiet, thoughtful] Hey, George. Do you think they'll ever invent a car that can fly?

George Foreman: I don't know, Chris.

Chris Elliott: [thinking hard] Because, if they did, then - there wouldn't be any traffic - because people would just fly over the trees.

George Foreman: I suppose you're right about that, Chris.

Lorne Michaels: [abruptly enters] George, I - I apologize for this. Why don't you go to wardrobe now?

George Foreman: [rises, to Chris, genuinely] I can't thank you enough. [heads for door, leaving the book behind]

Chris Elliott: [as George exits] Bye, kiddo. Knock 'em dead!

Lorne Michaels: [sits in chair] Chris--

Chris Elliott: [pleasantly] Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [trying to be reasonable] I don't put a lot of restrictions on the cast but I do tend to frown on nap-taking during the show.

Chris Elliott: [like a petulant child] Well, don't yell at me. Yell at George Foreman. The whole thing was his idea. The whole shebang! He's weird!

Lorne Michaels: Chris, maybe it'd be better if you just - slept it off.

Chris Elliott: [patting Lorne's knee] Well, that's very sweet of you, Lorne, but, um, the problem is - there's no way on God's green Earth that I can fall asleep - unless you read to me. [solemnly hands Lorne the book]

Lorne Michaels: "Goodnight Moon"?

Chris Elliott: [whispers excitedly] Read who it's by!

Lorne Michaels: By Margaret Wise Brown. Pictures by Clement Hurd.

Chris Elliott: Clement? [giggles]

Lorne Michaels: [wry, fatherly grin] I know. It's weird.

Chris Elliott: It is.

[Chris, under the covers, listens intently as Lorne flips to the first page and begins to read to him. Applause. Pull back and fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

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