Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald Martha Stewart ... Janene Garofalo
First Guy from a Religious Cult ... David Spade
Second Guy from a Religious Cult ... Adam Sandler
Leader of the Religious Cult ... Chris Farley

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and brown tie, sits at the WU desk with his well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...

Early this morning in Washington, someone fired six shots into the White House. Police have little to go on but say they're on the lookout for a middle-aged black woman in a Surgeon General's uniform. ...

President Clinton said this week that he was willing to propose a tax cut, quote, "as long as I can pay for it." He then looked inside his wallet and announced a plan to cut taxes by six dollars. ...

French auto maker Renault confirmed this week that it planned to cut seventeen hundred and thirty-five jobs next year. The company said it was trying to reduce staff because, quote, "we haven't sold a car since 1978." ...

[Police sketch of the Unabomber with curly hair, hooded sweatshirt, glasses and thin mustache] The FBI released this sketch of the man known as the Unabomber this week. And authorities immediately issued an arrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic. ...

O. J. Simpson's lawyers have decided to skip hearings on DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why they did this, the lawyers replied, "We want to get O. J. acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get back to doing what he does best -- killing people." ...

Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly is out for the season. His replacement, Frank Reich, said this week that he vowed to-- uh, he vows to rally the Bills and get them into the playoffs. He further promised his team would win the AFC Championship Game and go on to the Super Bowl where they will be crushed. ...

A California man has sued McDonald's claiming he contracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches. McDonald's disputes his charge but the man insists, quote, "That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I'm a male prostitute." ...

Norm MacDonald: Well, the holidays are just around the corner and here with tips on how to make this Christmas truly special is nationally-known authority on style Martha Stewart. Martha?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to cool blonde Martha Stewart who wears her trademark denim work shirt.]

Martha Stewart: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. I think, for each of us, childhood memories of Christmas are something unique and personal. My own memories center around the big Victorian home where I grew up. Early each Christmas morning, the other children and I would awake to the unmistakable smells of baked cinnamon apples, mulled cider and mince pudding wafting from the kitchen. In an instant, we children would come bounding down the great staircase, our arms and legs all akimbo--

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts, surprised] Akimbo? ...

Martha Stewart: [to Norm] Yes. Akimbo. [Norm makes a face] ... [continues] --and our childish eyes as big as saucers, eager to spy what good things Kris Kringle had brought.

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Ho - ho - hold on a second there, Martha. Kris Kringle?!

Martha Stewart: Yes, Norm. You know, Pere Noel, Father Christmas, Good Saint Nick.

Norm MacDonald: You mean Santa Claus?

Martha Stewart: [slightly patronizing] Oh. You called him Santa Claus. [Norm nods] Hm. ... [continues] Anyway, it being Christmas, mater and pater had dismissed the staff--

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] W - w - wait a minute. Mater and pater?! ...

Martha Stewart: Yes. Our parents. That's what we called them.

Norm MacDonald: Where did you grow up?

Martha Stewart: Norm, that doesn't matter. You see, Christmas is the same throughout the world--

Norm MacDonald: Nah, I'm just curious - where?

Martha Stewart: [reluctantly and quickly, out of the side of her mouth] New Jersey. ... [hurriedly continues] Anyway, there we children stood, staring in awe at what we were sure was the largest Christmas tree ever -- festooned with candy canes, lemon sticks and rosebuds on a string. And there hanging in the mantle of the enormous fireplace were all the children's stockings, filled to overflowing with walnuts, pecans, candied plums, dried figs and spiced oranges.

Norm MacDonald: Nowwww, where in New Jersey? ...

Martha Stewart: [quietly, hesitantly, through gritted teeth] Nutley, New Jersey.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, I know Nutley! Yeah, yeah, that's off Exit Seven, Route Three, off the Jersey Turnpike. ...

Martha Stewart: [coolly, to Norm] Yes. [continues] And then it always seemed just as we were about to open our gifts the neighbors would come by wassailing. "Here we come a-wassailing!" they'd shout. "Good wassail to you," we'd reply.

Norm MacDonald: [incredulous] Wassailing?! ... Never mind. Go on. ...

Martha Stewart: No, Norm, I think I'd better stop right here. You seem to think I'm making this up.

Norm MacDonald: All right, suit yourself. But, hey, if you run into any of my friends from Jersey, uh, wassailing -- you give 'em my best, huh? ...

Martha Stewart: I'll do that, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: All right. Martha Stewart there, everybody!

[Martha lingers a moment to bask in the cheers and applause, then exits.]

Well, the U.S. Safety Commission has issued a list of unsafe Christmas toys. Topping the list this year: Mattel's Gasoline-Powered Sharp Thing. ...

There's a new kitty litter on the market. It's made from wheat. And its slogan is: "Kitty litter just got a whole lot tastier." ...

There's a new twenty-four hour cable TV channel now. It's called Fish TV. The channel shows a giant aquarium of fish twenty-four hours a day. Except from two A.M. to three A.M. when it shows "The Byron Allen Show." ...

Norm MacDonald: Last week, a new restaurant called Le Jeu d'Homme opened here in Manhattan and now here with a review of that restaurant, Two Guys from a Religious Cult.

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Two Guys from a Religious Cult who wear sunglasses and leather vests. They exchange glances, face the camera, and launch into their intense yet emotionless cult ritual:]

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quiet with a deep, gravel-throated voice] The long-dead rulers of the serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrusted eyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at the unspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at the altar of the Dark Queen.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: [loud, high-pitched voice] YOU HAVE SEWN US INSIDE THE BELLY OF LUCIFER!!! ...

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The mocking laughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead live and those who think they are alive are only so in the twisted dreams of the insane.


Norm MacDonald: Whoa - whoa - whoa - whoa, there, Two Guys from a Religious Cult. Uh, I know you love that whole cult thing but, uh, how 'bout that new restaurant? Is the food good or what?

First Guy from a Religious Cult: The foul mists of dark death will cover the stinking halls--

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: DIE, YOU FORNICATORS!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: -- of the Obscene Ones.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CRY THE TEARS OF THE DEVIL!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: And the Defilers will emerge from the cave and a succubus burn the mark--

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: THE REAPER HAS ARRIVED!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: -- cumming off the fleshy underbellies of the chosen. As the blood drips from the beaks of the vultures, you are least in the innocent.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: YOU BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE BLACK PIG!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: You - will - go to hell.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: I COMMAND YOU!

Norm MacDonald: All right, all right, all right, that's it! Look, I had a feeling this was gonna happen, you know. I'm gonna have to go over your heads to get this restaurant review. Ladies and gentlemen, live, via satellite, from an undisclosed location in the tri-state area, the Leader of the Religious Cult. [On the screen behind Norm, we see the large Leader of the Religious Cult seated on a throne, also wearing sunglasses and leather vest but with a red cloak and a horned helmet] ... So-- So, Your Leadership, now, did you enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would you recommend it?

Leader of the Religious Cult: [demonic voice] The Unholy One is inside of me! ... His ancient spirit demands sacrifice! ... [gestures grandly] Who among the damned will follow me to Babylon? ... Who? Who? My insides are burning! ...

[The Leader screams horribly and at length. Cut to the Two Guys at the WU desk who bow rapidly up and down while gesticulating wildly and babbling incoherently.]

Norm MacDonald: Aw, geez! That's enough! That's enough! That's enough! Look! Just stop it! All this speakin' in tongues and bowin'! You know, get ahold of yourselves! We're on television for God's sakes. Ridiculous! For the last time, tell us about this restaurant!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quietly, reluctantly] Service was adequate. Food was a bit pricey.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: ALFREDO SAUCE WAS A LITTLE TOO CREAMY! ...

[Cut to the Leader on his throne.]

Leader of the Religious Cult: [coyly and effeminately, like a little old lady] The peach cobbler was delightful. ...

[Cut back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk, trying to keep straight faces.]

Norm MacDonald: Really? Okay. So, what's your overall recommendation, then?

[Dissolve to a graphic entitled "Restaurant Review": FOOD and SERVICE get "thumbs up" but underneath PRICE, DECOR, HYGIENE and DRESS CODE are the words ROT IN HELL and a flaming, grinning devil's head.]

First Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Good neighborhood place.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Pleasant for families!

[Dissolve back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Sounds like I'll have to check it out. Thanks for the report, fellas.

Second Guy from a Religious Cult: Happy holidays, everybody!

First Guy from a Religious Cult: Happy holidays!

Norm MacDonald: All right, Two Guys from a Religious Cult -- and their Leader! -- ladies and gentlemen!

[Cheers and applause. Second Guy waves to crowd and offers hand to Norm who isn't paying attention and fails to shake it. Frustrated, Second Guy slams his hand down on desk and exchanges words with First Guy before they exit. Norm, highly amused by the whole routine, pauses to collect himself before continuing:]

Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bags of cocaine in the backpack of a second-grader yesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious when the boy began showing up to school in a stritch-- stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers. ...

The newest talk show, "The Charles Perez Show," debuted this week. The show's first topic? "Who the hell is Charles Perez?" ...

This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalities sued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrown out when two of her personalities said that she may have consented. You know, folks, where I come from "No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no" means No! ... Hate to get on a soapbox but, uh, that's where I come from.

In a survey this week, men said they preferred penis size to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they'd rather be five foot two with a seven inch penis. Thirty-six percent said they'd rather be six foot three with a three inch penis. And the remaining two percent said they'd rather be one foot four with a three hundred inch penis. ... [applause]

All right, folks, merry Christmas. See you, uh, next time. Thanks a lot.

[Music, cheers, applause. Norm picks up and tries to straighten his disorganized sheaf of papers as we pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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