Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Martha Stewart ... Janene Garofalo
First Guy from a Religious Cult ... David Spade
Second Guy from a Religious Cult ... Adam Sandler
Leader of the Religious Cult ... Chris
[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit and brown tie, sits at
the WU desk with his well-organized sheaf of papers.
Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news. ...
Early this morning in Washington, someone fired six
shots into the White House. Police have little to go
on but say they're on the lookout for a middle-aged
black woman in a Surgeon General's uniform.
President Clinton said this week that he was willing
to propose a tax cut, quote, "as long as I can pay for
it." He then looked inside his wallet and announced a
plan to cut taxes by six dollars. ...
French auto maker Renault confirmed this week that it
planned to cut seventeen hundred and thirty-five jobs
next year. The company said it was trying to reduce
staff because, quote, "we haven't sold a car since
[Police sketch of the Unabomber with curly hair,
hooded sweatshirt, glasses and thin mustache] The FBI
released this sketch of the man known as the Unabomber
this week. And authorities immediately issued an
arrest warrant for Weird Al Yankovic. ...
O. J. Simpson's lawyers have decided to skip hearings
on DNA evidence and go right to trial. Asked why they
did this, the lawyers replied, "We want to get O. J.
acquitted as speedily as possible so he can get back
to doing what he does best -- killing people."
Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly is out for the
season. His replacement, Frank Reich, said this week
that he vowed to-- uh, he vows to rally the Bills and
get them into the playoffs. He further promised his
team would win the AFC Championship Game and go on to
the Super Bowl where they will be crushed.
A California man has sued McDonald's claiming he
contracted AIDS from one of its pork sandwiches.
McDonald's disputes his charge but the man insists,
quote, "That sandwich gave me AIDS just as sure as I'm
a male prostitute." ...
Norm MacDonald: Well, the holidays are just
around the corner and here with tips on how to make
this Christmas truly special is nationally-known
authority on style Martha Stewart. Martha?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to cool blonde
Martha Stewart who wears her trademark denim work
Martha Stewart: Thank you, Norm. Thank you. I
think, for each of us, childhood memories of Christmas
are something unique and personal. My own memories
center around the big Victorian home where I grew up.
Early each Christmas morning, the other children and I
would awake to the unmistakable smells of baked
cinnamon apples, mulled cider and mince pudding
wafting from the kitchen. In an instant, we children
would come bounding down the great staircase, our arms
and legs all akimbo--
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts, surprised]
Martha Stewart: [to Norm] Yes. Akimbo. [Norm
makes a face] ... [continues] --and our childish eyes
as big as saucers, eager to spy what good things Kris
Kringle had brought.
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Ho - ho - hold on
a second there, Martha. Kris Kringle?!
Martha Stewart: Yes, Norm. You know, Pere Noel,
Father Christmas, Good Saint Nick.
Norm MacDonald: You mean Santa
Martha Stewart: [slightly patronizing] Oh. You
called him Santa Claus. [Norm nods] Hm. ...
[continues] Anyway, it being Christmas, mater and
pater had dismissed the staff--
Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] W - w - wait a
minute. Mater and pater?! ...
Martha Stewart: Yes. Our parents. That's what
we called them.
Norm MacDonald: Where did you grow up?
Martha Stewart: Norm, that doesn't matter. You
see, Christmas is the same throughout the
Norm MacDonald: Nah, I'm just curious -
Martha Stewart: [reluctantly and quickly, out
of the side of her mouth] New Jersey. ... [hurriedly
continues] Anyway, there we children stood, staring in
awe at what we were sure was the largest Christmas
tree ever -- festooned with candy canes, lemon
sticks and rosebuds on a string. And there hanging in
the mantle of the enormous fireplace were all the
children's stockings, filled to overflowing with
walnuts, pecans, candied plums, dried figs and spiced
Norm MacDonald: Nowwww, where in New Jersey?
Martha Stewart: [quietly, hesitantly, through
gritted teeth] Nutley, New Jersey.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, I know Nutley! Yeah,
yeah, that's off Exit Seven, Route Three, off the
Jersey Turnpike. ...
Martha Stewart: [coolly, to Norm] Yes.
[continues] And then it always seemed just as we were
about to open our gifts the neighbors would come by
wassailing. "Here we come a-wassailing!" they'd shout.
"Good wassail to you," we'd reply.
Norm MacDonald: [incredulous]
Wassailing?! ... Never mind. Go on. ...
Martha Stewart: No, Norm, I think I'd better
stop right here. You seem to think I'm making this
Norm MacDonald: All right, suit yourself. But,
hey, if you run into any of my friends from Jersey,
uh, wassailing -- you give 'em my best, huh?
Martha Stewart: I'll do that, Norm.
Norm MacDonald: All right. Martha Stewart
[Martha lingers a moment to bask in the cheers and
applause, then exits.]
Well, the U.S. Safety Commission has issued a list of
unsafe Christmas toys. Topping the list this year:
Mattel's Gasoline-Powered Sharp Thing.
There's a new kitty litter on the market. It's made
from wheat. And its slogan is: "Kitty litter just got
a whole lot tastier." ...
There's a new twenty-four hour cable TV channel now.
It's called Fish TV. The channel shows a giant
aquarium of fish twenty-four hours a day. Except from
two A.M. to three A.M. when it shows "The Byron Allen
Norm MacDonald: Last week, a new restaurant
called Le Jeu d'Homme opened here in Manhattan and now
here with a review of that restaurant, Two Guys from a
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to Two Guys from a
Religious Cult who wear sunglasses and leather vests.
They exchange glances, face the camera, and launch
into their intense yet emotionless cult
First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quiet with a
deep, gravel-throated voice] The long-dead rulers of
the serpent kingdoms will open their maggot-encrusted
eyes and emerge from their forgotten tombs at the
unspeakable dawn of the sixth day to worship at the
altar of the Dark Queen.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: [loud,
high-pitched voice] YOU HAVE SEWN US INSIDE THE BELLY
OF LUCIFER!!! ...
First Guy from a Religious Cult: The mocking
laughter of the Betrayer reveals that the dead live
and those who think they are alive are only so in the
twisted dreams of the insane.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CAN'T YOU
SMELL THE BREATH OF THE HELL-BEAST?! ... HE WAITS FOR
YOU IN THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE!
Norm MacDonald: Whoa - whoa - whoa - whoa,
there, Two Guys from a Religious Cult. Uh, I know you
love that whole cult thing but, uh, how 'bout that new
restaurant? Is the food good or what?
First Guy from a Religious Cult: The foul mists
of dark death will cover the stinking halls--
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: DIE, YOU
First Guy from a Religious Cult: -- of the
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: CRY THE TEARS
OF THE DEVIL!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: And the
Defilers will emerge from the cave and a succubus burn
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: THE REAPER
First Guy from a Religious Cult: -- cumming off
the fleshy underbellies of the chosen. As the blood
drips from the beaks of the vultures, you are least in
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: YOU BATHE IN
THE BLOOD OF THE BLACK PIG!
First Guy from a Religious Cult: You - will -
go to hell.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: I COMMAND
Norm MacDonald: All right, all right, all
right, that's it! Look, I had a feeling this was gonna
happen, you know. I'm gonna have to go over your heads
to get this restaurant review. Ladies and gentlemen,
live, via satellite, from an undisclosed location in
the tri-state area, the Leader of the Religious Cult.
[On the screen behind Norm, we see the large Leader of
the Religious Cult seated on a throne, also wearing
sunglasses and leather vest but with a red cloak and a
horned helmet] ... So-- So, Your Leadership, now, did
you enjoy dining at this restaurant? Would you
Leader of the Religious Cult: [demonic voice]
The Unholy One is inside of me! ... His ancient spirit
demands sacrifice! ... [gestures grandly] Who among
the damned will follow me to Babylon? ... Who? Who?
My insides are burning! ...
[The Leader screams horribly and at length. Cut to the
Two Guys at the WU desk who bow rapidly up and down
while gesticulating wildly and babbling
Norm MacDonald: Aw, geez! That's enough! That's
enough! That's enough! Look! Just stop it! All this
speakin' in tongues and bowin'! You know, get ahold of
yourselves! We're on television for God's sakes.
Ridiculous! For the last time, tell us about this
First Guy from a Religious Cult: [quietly,
reluctantly] Service was adequate. Food was a bit
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: ALFREDO SAUCE
WAS A LITTLE TOO CREAMY! ...
[Cut to the Leader on his throne.]
Leader of the Religious Cult: [coyly and
effeminately, like a little old lady] The peach
cobbler was delightful. ...
[Cut back to Norm and the Two Guys at the desk, trying
to keep straight faces.]
Norm MacDonald: Really? Okay. So, what's your
overall recommendation, then?
[Dissolve to a graphic entitled "Restaurant Review":
FOOD and SERVICE get "thumbs up" but underneath PRICE,
DECOR, HYGIENE and DRESS CODE are the words ROT IN
HELL and a flaming, grinning devil's head.]
First Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Good
Second Guy from a Religious Cult V/O: Pleasant
[Dissolve back to Norm and the Two Guys at the
Norm MacDonald: Sounds like I'll have to check
it out. Thanks for the report, fellas.
Second Guy from a Religious Cult: Happy
First Guy from a Religious Cult: Happy
Norm MacDonald: All right, Two Guys from a
Religious Cult -- and their Leader! -- ladies and
[Cheers and applause. Second Guy waves to crowd and
offers hand to Norm who isn't paying attention and
fails to shake it. Frustrated, Second Guy slams his
hand down on desk and exchanges words with First Guy
before they exit. Norm, highly amused by the whole
routine, pauses to collect himself before
Police in Newman, Georgia discovered thirty-five bags
of cocaine in the backpack of a second-grader
yesterday. Authorities say they grew suspicious when
the boy began showing up to school in a stritch--
stretch limo surrounded by gorgeous hookers.
The newest talk show, "The Charles Perez Show,"
debuted this week. The show's first topic? "Who the
hell is Charles Perez?" ...
This week, a Cincinnati woman with ten personalities
sued a man for sexual assault. But the suit was thrown
out when two of her personalities said that she may
have consented. You know, folks, where I come from
"No, no, no, no, no, yes, yes, no, no" means
No! ... Hate to get on a soapbox but, uh,
that's where I come from.
In a survey this week, men said they preferred penis
size to height. Sixty-two percent of men said they'd
rather be five foot two with a seven inch penis.
Thirty-six percent said they'd rather be six foot
three with a three inch penis. And the remaining two
percent said they'd rather be one foot four with a
three hundred inch penis. ... [applause]
All right, folks, merry Christmas. See you, uh, next
time. Thanks a lot.
[Music, cheers, applause. Norm picks up and tries to
straighten his disorganized sheaf of papers as we pull
back and fade out.]