Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 10




94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson

Mystery Dinner Theater

Bob Mackadoo.....Jeff Daniels
Maxwell Albright.....Chris Farley
Penny Monroe.....Jeanene Garofalo
Gloria Dudley.....Ellen Cleghorne
Michael Duke of Bedford.....Mike Myers
Kurt Rambus.....Michael Mckean
Kevin Mchale.....Kevin Nealon
Janitor.....Chris Elliot

(opens with the outside of the theater, close up on the marquee reads "Eeny Meeny Miny Murder, catch a killer in the Mansion of Flurder", cut to the inside of the theater. Young man in glasses addresses the audience)

Bob Mackadoo: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Mckeesport dinner theater. I'm your host Bob Mackadoo. Tonight we present Eeny Meenie Miny Muder catch a killer in the Mansion of Flurder. As our whodunit unfolds we meet 7 people, each one summoned by a mysterious invitation to the hilltop mansion of Victor Flurder millionaire industrialist.(beat)What follows is a murder most foul. So follow the trail of clues and unravel the mystery. The game is afoot.

(Bob leaves the stage, dramatic music plays , open the curtains revealing an elegant living room full of antiques with a large fat man sitting in the middle and 4 people, 2 people per couch facing each other. Bob runs into the scene and stands next to the man in the chair.)

Bob Mackadoo: Well it seems all our guests have arrived. I do have a question though. Do any of you actually knows our host Victor Flurder?

Max Allbright: (snotty voice) You mean you don't? I thought I was the only fellow who didn't. By the way I'm Maxwell Albright. Of the toothpaste Allbright's.

Gloria Dudley: (a trace of an Jamaican accent) How do you do? My name is Gloria Dudley. I've heard of your toothpaste but I never heard of Flurder until I got this letter. Isn't it odd?

Penny Monroe: (sultry voice) It is odd. I'm Penny Monroe and I don't know our host either. So, why are we invited here?

Michael Duke of Bedford: (British accent) Well, there's got to be something we have in common. Sorry, uh, I'm Michael uh, Duke of uh, Bedford.

Kurt Rambus: My name is Kurt Rambus. I race cars and as I assume no one pursues that particular livelihood. I can only conclude there is no common thread. Or is there?

Kevin Mchale: I'm Det. Kevin Mchale. I work the homicide detail. I can't shake this nagging feeling I was invited tonight for a reason.

Bob Mackadoo: What are you saying, man? Why-- (Lights go out, dramatic music, nervous shrieks, Albright gets up looking around worried)

Penny Monroe: Oh! What happened to the lights?

Kevin Mchale: It's probably just a fuse, folks. We should go look for the fuse box. All right, everyone split up. Each check a room. Alone.

(everyone leaves except Albright. He sits in the chair at center stage)

Maxwell Albright: I'll stay here in the event our elusive host makes an appearance. (suspenseful music) (Bob approaches) Kurt? Earl? Is someone there?

Bob Mackadoo: Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly.

Maxwell Albright: What? Who are you?

Bob Mackadoo: Say goodbye, Mr. Albright!

Maxwell Albright: What? (punch) OOWW!! (punch) OOWW! (punch) WHY ARE YOU (punch) HITTING ME!! (punch) WHO ARE YOU? (punch) YOUR FISTS (punch) ARE CRUSHING MY FACE!! (punch) OWW! (punch) YOUR PUNCHES ARE (punch )AHHH! HEARING MY BONES SNAPPING!! (punch) YOU'RE KILLING ME!! (Max is thrown into a table that smashes under his weight) MY MONOCLE (kick) HAS SLICED (kick) MY EYE (kick) AHH!! (kick) I'M BLIND! (Bob throws Max onto the sofa and continues his unholy beating) I CAN'T SEE (punch) AHH!! STOP! (punch) STOP IT! (punch) YOU'RE KILLING ME!! (punch) OH, GOD! (punch) THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! (punch) OH, MY GOD! I'M SWIMMING IN MY OWN WARM STICKY BLOOD!! FLUIDS SHOOTS FROM MY EYE SOCKETS!! MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! ANSWER ME !!! (Bob approaches with a shovel) (clang) OOHH!! YOU'RE USING A SHOVEL (clang) OOWW!! (clang) YOUR FISTS (clang) WERE BAD ENOUGH (clang) NOW THIS!! (clang) OOWW!! I SEE DEATH, HE IS COMING (clang) OOHH! (the force of the last blow throws him against the furniture on the other side of the room, Max on his knees) OH, NO! (punch) OW! (punch) OOWW!! (punch) DON'T LET ME DIE (punch) IN (punch) A (punch) PUDDLE (punch) OF MY (punch) OWN (punch) URINE!!! (Max is again thrown to the ground)

(Cut to backstage the actors are talking out of character)

Penny: Hey am I crazy? or is this death scene going on like forever.

Michael: (reading Variety)Oh! sorry I wasn't paying attention. The death scene. Oh my God is it still going on?

Gloria: I had to go put money in the meter. Hi. Is anybody noticing how long the murder scene is going on?

Penny:That's what we just saying. So it's not our imagination, right?

(back to death scene)

Maxwell Albright: DEATH'S COLD LIPS (punch) ARE PRESSED AGAINST MINE!! DEATH BECKONS ME TO A PLACE WHERE PUNCHES NO LONGER RAIN DOWN UPON MY BODY!! (Bob throws a big vase on top of Maxwell's head, vase shatters) MY GOD AAHH!! MY HEAD JUST POPPED LIKE A RIPE MELON!! (Bob is exhausted)

(cut to backstage)

Kurt: You know, I had to reglue my mustache and barely had time. Is it just me or are they racing through that murder scene?

Penny: Are you serious? We were just saying that it seems that is taking forever.

Gloria: Yeah.

Kurt: Well, of course I'm not serious. Whoo hoo! It's called sarcasm. This murder is taking a damn month!

Michael: Maybe it feels longer because it's the 50th performance.

Gloria: Well, at least they dropped that saw part, you know, the chainsaw?

Kurt: Chainsaw, yeah.

(chainsaw sounds from the death scene are heard backstage, actors sigh in disappointment)

(back to death scene Maxwell is sitting in a chair and Bob saws Maxwell's midsection)

Maxwell Albright: OH!! MOTHER OF MERCY THE CHAINSAW IS TEARING INTO MY FLESH LIKE THE HUNGRY TEETH OF SATAN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! THE BLOOD SPURTS FROM MY BODY LIKE A ROARING FOUNTAIN!! YOU ARE CARVING ME UP LIKE SO MUCH RAW BLOODY BEEF!! (Bob shoots Maxwell point blank range in the head 4 times)

(cut to backstage)

Kevin: This is crazy. I got to pick up my kids at their grandmother's. How much longer is this murder gonna be?

Michael: We're not sure. Most of the audience left anyway so why don't you take off.

Kevin: I can't take off. Mr. never gonna die is parked behind me. He's blocking me in!

(Bob enters backstage exhausted)

Bob: I want you guys to know, it's not me that's milking it out there. He just won't die!

Penny: I knew it, I knew it. I knew this murder was taking longer than usual. It wasn't my imagination. I wasn't sure but now I am.

Bob: You know what I think it is? His parents were in the audience tonight.

Michael: Okay, fine. Let's go out and just pull the plug on this thing.

Penny: You think that's--

(back to the stage)

Maxwell Albright: OH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! HE'S OFF SOMEWHERE EATING MY BLOODY STOMACH, WHEN WILL HE RETURN ONCE AGAIN TO RAIN SHOVEL BLOWS TO MY HEAD (the lights go up on the stage and the actors surround Maxwell) OH, MY GOD!! NOW THERE IS 6 OF YOU!! HERE TO KILL ME!!! WHY, GOD, WHY!!

(Maxwell on his knees finishes with a dramatic pose, the back of his hand on his forehead. A janitor is putting the audience chairs on top of the tables)

Janitor: Hey, kids. When you're done with your little encounter session or whatever the hell it is you're doing up there. Can you close the door and turn out the lights? And hey, fat stuff. Your parents said they will meet you at Shakie's, the pizza place out on route 19, if anyone wants to go. They did say if you could, not to bring up the play, ok. All right kids, knock yourselves out. The play is the thing. Stupid.

(janitor picks up his jacket and leaves)

(Cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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