94j: Jeff Daniels / Luscious Jackson
Mystery Dinner Theater
Bob Mackadoo.....Jeff Daniels
Maxwell Albright.....Chris Farley
Penny Monroe.....Jeanene Garofalo
Gloria Dudley.....Ellen Cleghorne
Michael Duke of Bedford.....Mike Myers
Kurt Rambus.....Michael Mckean
Kevin Mchale.....Kevin Nealon
(opens with the outside of the theater, close up on
the marquee reads "Eeny Meeny Miny Murder, catch a
killer in the Mansion of Flurder", cut to the inside
of the theater. Young man in glasses addresses the
Bob Mackadoo: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Mckeesport dinner theater. I'm your host
Bob Mackadoo. Tonight we present Eeny Meenie Miny
Muder catch a killer in the Mansion of Flurder. As our
whodunit unfolds we meet 7 people, each one summoned
by a mysterious invitation to the hilltop mansion of
Victor Flurder millionaire industrialist.(beat)What
follows is a murder most foul. So follow the trail of
clues and unravel the mystery. The game is afoot.
(Bob leaves the stage, dramatic music plays , open the
curtains revealing an elegant living room full of
antiques with a large fat man sitting in the middle
and 4 people, 2 people per couch facing each other.
Bob runs into the scene and stands next to the man in
Bob Mackadoo: Well it seems all our guests have
arrived. I do have a question though. Do any of you
actually knows our host Victor Flurder?
Max Allbright: (snotty voice) You mean you don't? I
thought I was the only fellow who didn't. By the way
I'm Maxwell Albright. Of the toothpaste Allbright's.
Gloria Dudley: (a trace of an Jamaican accent) How do
you do? My name is Gloria Dudley. I've heard of your
toothpaste but I never heard of Flurder until I got
this letter. Isn't it odd?
Penny Monroe: (sultry voice) It is odd. I'm Penny Monroe
and I don't know our host either. So, why are we
Michael Duke of Bedford: (British accent) Well, there's
got to be something we have in common. Sorry, uh, I'm
Michael uh, Duke of uh, Bedford.
Kurt Rambus: My name is Kurt Rambus. I race cars and as
I assume no one pursues that particular livelihood. I
can only conclude there is no common thread. Or is
Kevin Mchale: I'm Det. Kevin Mchale. I work the
homicide detail. I can't shake this nagging feeling I
was invited tonight for a reason.
Bob Mackadoo: What are you saying, man? Why-- (Lights go
out, dramatic music, nervous shrieks, Albright gets up
looking around worried)
Penny Monroe: Oh! What happened to the lights?
Kevin Mchale: It's probably just a fuse, folks. We
should go look for the fuse box. All right, everyone
split up. Each check a room. Alone.
(everyone leaves except Albright. He sits in the chair
at center stage)
Maxwell Albright: I'll stay here in the event our
elusive host makes an appearance. (suspenseful music)
(Bob approaches) Kurt? Earl? Is someone there?
Bob Mackadoo: Come into my parlor said the spider to
Maxwell Albright: What? Who are you?
Bob Mackadoo: Say goodbye, Mr. Albright!
Maxwell Albright: What? (punch) OOWW!! (punch) OOWW! (punch) WHY ARE YOU (punch) HITTING ME!! (punch) WHO ARE YOU? (punch) YOUR FISTS (punch) ARE CRUSHING MY FACE!! (punch) OWW! (punch) YOUR PUNCHES ARE (punch )AHHH! HEARING MY BONES SNAPPING!! (punch) YOU'RE KILLING ME!! (Max is thrown into a table that smashes under his weight) MY MONOCLE (kick) HAS SLICED (kick) MY EYE (kick) AHH!! (kick) I'M BLIND! (Bob throws Max onto the sofa and continues his unholy beating) I CAN'T SEE (punch) AHH!! STOP! (punch) STOP IT! (punch) YOU'RE KILLING ME!! (punch) OH, GOD! (punch) THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! (punch) OH, MY GOD! I'M SWIMMING IN MY OWN WARM STICKY BLOOD!! FLUIDS SHOOTS FROM MY EYE SOCKETS!! MERCIFUL GOD! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! ANSWER ME !!! (Bob approaches with a shovel) (clang) OOHH!! YOU'RE USING A SHOVEL (clang) OOWW!! (clang) YOUR FISTS (clang) WERE BAD ENOUGH (clang) NOW THIS!! (clang) OOWW!! I SEE DEATH, HE IS COMING (clang) OOHH! (the force of the last blow throws him against the furniture on the other side of the room, Max on his knees) OH, NO! (punch) OW! (punch) OOWW!! (punch) DON'T LET ME DIE (punch) IN (punch) A (punch) PUDDLE (punch) OF MY (punch) OWN (punch) URINE!!! (Max is again thrown to the ground)
(Cut to backstage the actors are talking out of character)
Penny: Hey am I crazy? or is this death scene going on
Michael: (reading Variety)Oh! sorry I wasn't paying
attention. The death scene. Oh my God is it still
Gloria: I had to go put money in the meter. Hi. Is
anybody noticing how long the murder scene is going
Penny:That's what we just saying. So it's not our imagination, right?
(back to death scene)
Maxwell Albright: DEATH'S COLD LIPS (punch) ARE PRESSED
AGAINST MINE!! DEATH BECKONS ME TO A PLACE WHERE
PUNCHES NO LONGER RAIN DOWN UPON MY BODY!! (Bob throws
a big vase on top of Maxwell's head, vase shatters) MY
GOD AAHH!! MY HEAD JUST POPPED LIKE A RIPE MELON!! (Bob
(cut to backstage)
Kurt: You know, I had to reglue my mustache and barely
had time. Is it just me or are they racing through
that murder scene?
Penny: Are you serious? We were just saying that it
seems that is taking forever.
Kurt: Well, of course I'm not serious. Whoo hoo! It's
called sarcasm. This murder is taking a damn month!
Michael: Maybe it feels longer because it's the 50th
Gloria: Well, at least they dropped that saw part, you
know, the chainsaw?
Kurt: Chainsaw, yeah.
(chainsaw sounds from the death scene are heard backstage, actors sigh in disappointment)
(back to death scene Maxwell is sitting in a chair and Bob saws Maxwell's midsection)
Maxwell Albright: OH!! MOTHER OF MERCY THE CHAINSAW IS
TEARING INTO MY FLESH LIKE THE HUNGRY TEETH OF
SATAN!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! THE BLOOD SPURTS FROM
MY BODY LIKE A ROARING FOUNTAIN!! YOU ARE CARVING ME
UP LIKE SO MUCH RAW BLOODY BEEF!! (Bob shoots Maxwell
point blank range in the head 4 times)
(cut to backstage)
Kevin: This is crazy. I got to pick up my kids at their
grandmother's. How much longer is this murder gonna
Michael: We're not sure. Most of the audience left
anyway so why don't you take off.
Kevin: I can't take off. Mr. never gonna die is parked
behind me. He's blocking me in!
(Bob enters backstage exhausted)
Bob: I want you guys to know, it's not me that's
milking it out there. He just won't die!
Penny: I knew it, I knew it. I knew this murder was
taking longer than usual. It wasn't my imagination. I
wasn't sure but now I am.
Bob: You know what I think it is? His parents were in the audience tonight.
Michael: Okay, fine. Let's go out and just pull the plug on this thing.
Penny: You think that's--
(back to the stage)
Maxwell Albright: OH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!! HE'S OFF
SOMEWHERE EATING MY BLOODY STOMACH, WHEN WILL HE
RETURN ONCE AGAIN TO RAIN SHOVEL BLOWS TO MY HEAD (the
lights go up on the stage and the actors surround
Maxwell) OH, MY GOD!! NOW THERE IS 6 OF YOU!! HERE TO
KILL ME!!! WHY, GOD, WHY!!
(Maxwell on his knees finishes with a dramatic pose,
the back of his hand on his forehead. A janitor is
putting the audience chairs on top of the tables)
Janitor: Hey, kids. When you're done with your little
encounter session or whatever the hell it is you're
doing up there. Can you close the door and turn out
the lights? And hey, fat stuff. Your parents said they
will meet you at Shakie's, the pizza place out on route
19, if anyone wants to go. They did say if you could,
not to bring up the play, ok. All right kids, knock
yourselves out. The play is the thing. Stupid.
(janitor picks up his jacket and leaves)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel