94k: David Hyde Pierce / Live

Poetry Class

Mr. Templon.....David Hyde Pierce
Alan.....Chris Farley
Randy.....Adam Sandler
Student.....Jay Mohr
Kristin.....Janeane Garofalo
Teacher.....Chris Elliot

[open on classroom with noisy students]

[Mr. Templon enters]

Mr. Templon: [clears throat] All right class. Settle down. Settle down. [class becomes quiet] Now, I went over your poetry assignments last night, and I must tell you I was deeply impressed by the depth of expression and raw emotion. There was one poem in particular came to mind, and I would like for the author to come up here and read it to the class. Alan?

Alan: Me? No way. I thought this was supposed to be private and stuff.

Mr. Templon: Well, that was the idea. But something about the sheer intensity of your poem made me think that the class would benefit from a recitation.

Alan: Come on, Mr. Templon, please? I'm too embarassed.

Mr. Templon: Oh, oh, Alan, there is nothing in your poem to be embarassed about. [walks to Alan and hands him the poem]

Alan: [takes poem, stands, and walks to front of classroom, but faces Mr. Templon] "What I Believe," by Alan Toshman.

Mr. Templon: Alan, I know the poem; I graded it. Why don't you turn around and share it with the class? [positions Alan to face the other students]

Alan: "She was a fast machine. / She kept her motor clean. / She was the best damn woman that I ever seen."

Randy: Dude, you are so busted!

Mr. Templon: Hey! Hey! This obviously means a lot to Alan. You go on.

Alan: "She had the slightest eyes, / Telling me no lies, / Knocking me out with those American thighs..." Oh, forget it. That's all! I'm done. [crumples poem, drops it on desk, and sits]

Mr. Templon: Oh, oh, now.

Student: [lights a lighter] Dude, that was awesome! [Alan shoves him]

Kristin: Hey, hey, how about reciting your poem, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap?"

Mr. Templon: Quiet down. I think Alan expressed rather well the urgency of youth.

Alan: Yeah, shut up! Yours probably sucks, anyways.

Mr. Templon: Hey! Hey! Let's stop all the insults. You know, Alan, Kristin wrote a very sensitive, honest piece.

Alan: Oh, really? Well, I'd love to hear it! How about you guys?

Mr. Templon: That's a good idea. We're here to learn. Kristin, come up here.

Kristin: [to Alan] You're dead. [takes poem from Mr. Templon] "All I Know," by Kristin Reinhart. "In the air, in the air, / Honey one more time. / Now it ain't fair. / Love in an elevator. / Livin' it up when I'm goin' down. / Love in an elevator." [puts poem on desk and sits]

Mr. Templon: Kristin, Alan, come up here. Come up. [they do] Class, I want you to take a look at these two, all of you. Now, these two students opened their minds, their hearts, and their souls to us. And in all my years of teaching, I've never given an A+. Last night, I gave two. [Alan and Kristin high-five and sit] Now let's move on. Why don't we open our texts to page 120...

Randy: Ah, ah, Mr. Templon?

Mr. Templon: Yes, Randy?

Randy: You know the poem I turned in?

Mr. Templon: Um... [thumbs through papers on desk] "Spider Man, Spider Man, does whatever a spider can?"

Randy: Yeah, that's it.

Mr. Templon: Yeah, I thought it was imaginative and it showed a good sense of rhyme and meter. I was just looking for something a little bit more about you.

Randy: Oh, well I guess I really didn't understand the assignment. But I have another poem that I didn't turn in, and maybe I could do it now?

Mr. Templon: All right, let's hear it.

Randy: [stands and goes to the front of the class] "My Real Poem," by Randy Balducci. "Ah, can't you see me standing here? / I got my back against the record machine. / I ain't the worst that you've seen. / Ah, can't you see what I mean? / I might as well jump--Jump! / Go ahead and jump--Jump!" [bell rings] "Might as well jump."

[students stand and begin to exit classroom]

Mr. Templon: Okay, tomorrow 140 to 145 in your text. Randy, would you stay for a moment?

Randy: Yeah.

Mr. Templon: [speaks to exiting students] Thanks. Thank you. Good job. [turns to Randy] Randy, I'd like to make an appointment for you to see the school psyciatrist.

Randy: What?

Mr. Templon: Well, I think everyone who heard your poem recognized it as a cry for help. I want you to know that I heard your cry, and I can "see what you mean."

Randy: Okay, I guess...all right, thanks, Mr. Templon.

Mr. Templon: And, Randy. If you jump, I will catch you.

Randy: Actually, that wasn't me. That was another guy. But I'll let him know.

[Randy exits and another teacher enters]

Teacher: Hey, how'd it go today?

Mr. Templon: Oh, you know, the usual. AC/DC, Aerosmith. Oh, oh, one guy actually snuck in some old Van Halen.

Teacher: Oh, geez. Wow, that takes me back. Huh. Well, want to go fire up a doobie?

Mr. Templon: Okay. [drops poems in the garbage as they exit]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

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