Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly

Andy Gray.....Mike Myers
Ian Daglers.....Mark McKinney
Ted Engler.....David Hyde Pierce



[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]

Announcer: You're watching ESPN2 - The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Women's Seniors Indoor Beach Volleyball, qualifying tournament, from Lincoln, Nebraska. But, right now on The Deuce, we have Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.

[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]

Voiceover Jingle: "Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!"

[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]

Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; they're great for kicking in heads, and I'm not kidding! Also brought to you by.. Truflite Darts; remember: those are for dart boards, not for throwing at rival fans! Also, brought to you by.. Milk; it does a body good.

[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]

Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to "Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly"! I'm your host, Andy Gray!

Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I'm your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!

Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight's topics are: "Scotland's soccer team - great on paper, crap on grass!"

Ian Daglers: Also, on tonight's show - new techniques in dart throwing! Hey! Head's up on ye! [ throws dart offscreen, hooligans scream ]

Andy Gray: Alright! [ they clink steins ] And, finally, firebombs: pro and con.

Together: Prooooo!!

Andy Gray: Alright, let's get down to business, because I'm steamin' piss drunk, and I'm gonna be sick!

Ian Daglers: Hey!

Andy Gray: Ohhh, I'm hummin'! [ lowers heads, spits a chunk onto the table ] And, besides, I've got a court appearance in, ohhhhh... [ looks at his watch ] 43 minutes.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What'd you do this time?

Andy Gray: It was during the Scotland-Denmark game. Evidently, I threw a live jaguar onto the field, 'cause of a disupted penalty kick.

Ian Daglers: Hey! What'd you do that for?

Andy Gray: Why not?

Ian Daglers: What do you mean, why not?

Andy Gray: What do you mean, what do you mean, why not?!

Ian Daglers: I asked ya' a question, you wee girl!

Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright.. give us a kiss here.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian's nose ]

Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Bloody hell! Oh, you broke my nose again, you bastard!

Andy Gray: Alright, let's get this show on the road, 'cause I've quite a face on and I'm gonna start chundering like a snowblower!

Ian Daglers: Okie-dokie! Alright now, as you know, hotels on the continent don't rent rooms to soccer hooligans like ourselves. Hey!

Andy Gray: Okay. So let's start with a topic: where's the worst place you've ever had to spend the night?

Ian Daglers: [ thinking ] Oh, uh.... that would be the, uh.. rancid manure and rotten vegetable compost heap in Baden-Baden, Scotland vs. Germany, 1991. And you, hey!

Andy Gray: Scotland vs. The Netherlands, 1987, the Hague. I feel asleep inside a policeman's horse!

Ian Daglers: [ bewildered ] How'd you do that, then?!

Andy Gray: Oh, it was three o'clock in the morning, as cold as a witch's teat! No room in the inn for this Scottish soccer hooligan! Necessity being the mother of invention, I managed to hack my way inside the horse using some crude farming implements! You know, I say it was the worst night I ever had, but, actually, I slept like the Baby Jesus inside my equine cocoon.

Ian Daglers: I might try that, I might try that!

Andy Gray: You might, eh, you might? You know, I remember one particularly unpleasant innkeeper in Antwerp, Belgium. I inquired about a room, to which I received the reply, "Oh, we have plenty of rooms, Sonny Jim, but not for you, you scummy soccoer hooligan!"

Ian Daglers: Well, that's not very nice.

Andy Gray: Oh, aye. I was -- at first, I was quite taken about.

Ian Daglers: Oh, I can imagine..

Andy Gray: But then, I stuck a Coke bottle up his stinkin' Flemish bum!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Good idea!

Andy Gray: You could see why I was thrown into some sort of Fatty Arbucklian dementia. Now, in the end I was forced to take a toffee hammer to his rectal vault and smash the Coke bottle into a thousand wee shards.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Why does it always have to end that way? Hey!

Andy Gray: I don't know, I just don't know! I'm steamin'!

Ian Daglers: Oh, that reminds me. Once, I chewed a Belgium's ear off!

Andy Gray: How was it?

Ian Daglers: Oh, you'd be surprised.

Andy Gray: Oh, really?

Ian Daglers: Yes! Now, let's bring out our guest, then. He's from America. Now, interestingly enough, he's not a soccer hooligan!

Andy Gray: Ohhhh, what's he doing on the show, then?!

Ian Daglers: Because he's a tennis hooligan! Now, please welcome, from the Chicago, U.S.A., Ted Engler!

[ Ted Engler enters studio to welcomed enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]

Andy Gray: Alright! There we are! Ted Engler! Welcome to "Scottish Soccer Hooligan"!

Ted Engler: Hello, Ian; hello, Andy. It's great to be here!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Are you drinking? Do you need a plastic can?

Ted Engler: No, thanks, I don't drink.

Andy Gray: What do you mean, you don't drink? You're a hooligan, aren't you?

Ted Engler: That's right! I'm a tennis hooligan!

Ian Daglers: What exactly do you do, then?

Ted Engler: Well, what I like to do is, go to a match and pick out the player that I hate, and right before he serves I like to do something distracting, like shift in my seat or yawn!

Andy Gray: Hey?

Ian Daglers: Hey?

Ted Engler: Hey.. hey, one time I coughed. Really loudly. That was great.

Ian Daglers: Hey! Do you ever throw darts at the opposing player's fans?

Ted Engler: Oh, good Lord, no, that would be dangerous.

Andy Gray: [ lowers stein ] You know, I rather like what that retarded chap in Germany did to Monica Seles. Now, that was first-rate hooliganing!

Ian Daglers: That was bloody magic!

Andy Gray: Magic!!

Ian Daglers: Magic! Teddy, hey - you ever stabbed anyone?

Ted Engler: Uh.. no. Nope.

Andy Gray: Uh, you ever thrown anyone under a bus?

Ted Engler: Mmmm.. never.

Ian Daglers: Let me ask you, Teddy - how fast can you run?

Ted Engler: Oh, very fast.

Ian Daglers: [ stands over Ted ] Oh, well, you better get started, 'cause I'm about to kick your ass!

Ted Engler: [ offended ] Oh! That's not very nice!

Ian Daglers: [ mocking ] Oh, that's not very nice, is it?

Andy Gray: [ puts hands on Ted' shoulders ] Oh, you're alright. Come here, give us a kiss. [ butts his head against TEd's head, bloodying him up ] Boom! There you go!

[ Ian smashes Ted's head against the table, as Andy looks at his watch ]

Andy Gray: Oh, Christ! Look at the time! [ knees Ted in the groin and punches him in the face; Ted falls under the table ] Alright, well that's all the time we have for the show! I'm Andy Gray!

[ Ted's bloodied hand rises above the table, so Ian smashes it with his elbow ]

Ian Daglers: And I'm Ian Daglers!

Andy Gray: Piss off!

Ian Daglers: Piss off!

[ Andy and Ian continue to kick at Ted under the table, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts