Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... Tim Meadows
... Jay Mohr

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news.

Singer Billy Joel survived a massive earthquake which rocked Japan this week. The quake, which hit the port city of Kobe, killed nearly five thousand people and demolished hundreds of buildings. To repeat: do not panic! Billy Joel has survived the earthquake! ...

[Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton - Bill's arms are outstretched before him] Here we see President Clinton, looking for something -- anything -- to hug besides his wife. ... [cheers and applause]

In an effort to feel smarter than somebody, Dan Quayle this week spoke to four thousand Amway employees. ... [cheers and applause]

Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. It includes his latest poem, entitled "Ode to a Country Full of Stupid, Ungrateful Bastards." ...

Here's an amazing story: twins born ninety-five days apart. Even more amazing, they were born to different mothers and they don't even look alike. ... Hard to believe.

Well, the NHL strike officially ended Thursday. After some adjustments to the schedule, the regular season started last night, and the playoffs will start tomorrow. ...

And now, with a commentary on the resolution of that hockey strike, is Tim Meadows. Tim?

Tim Meadows: [cheers and applause as we pan over to Tim in a suit and tie] Thank you. Well, the hockey strike is over and no one is more relieved than me, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn't think I was gonna make it and I'm sure I speak for all African-Americans when I say, "Game on at last! Game on at last! ... Thank God Almighty, game on at last!" ... You see, white America had taken everything it could from black people. Our culture, our heritage, our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our ice hockey. ...

I tell ya, it was weird to walk through the African-American community at night and not hear the sound of "Hockey Night in Canada" coming from every home. ... Or kids saying, "Yo! Yo! He shoots! He scores!" ... And I couldn't call my brother and say, "Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?" ... And, echoing the sentiments of the entire African-American community, he would say, "Yo, little brother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly." ... So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, Jeff Beukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck. The African-American community and Tim Meadows are watching. Back to you, Norm. [cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Tim Meadows! Thanks, Tim.

A blind man felt Princess Diana's face last week and said, "She is the prettiest woman I've ever seen." He then picked up a toilet plunger and said, "Thank you for this royal scepter, I shall treasure it always." ...

According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at two deaths a year. ...

Well, O. J. Simpson's lawyers stopped feuding this week, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey and Robert Shapiro, were able to put aside their differences and express their admiration for each other after O. J. threatened to cut their heads off. ... [cheers and applause]

The United Paramount Network's new show, "Star Trek: Voyager," finished in first place Monday night with a 14.7 rating. For those of you who don't know, one rating point is equal to 950,000 nerds. ... [some boos]

Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride "The ExtraTERRORestrial" to be shut down until it can be made scarier. When the attraction reopens in two weeks, it will be exactly the same -- but missing six bolts. ...

This week, a court banned gays from marching in Boston's St. Patrick's Day parade, but they will still allow them to be beaten up by drunken Irish guys. ... [scattered applause] I'm afraid to know what you're applauding at there. Okay. ...

Norm MacDonald: And now, turning again to sports, it's time for Jay Mohr's Wacky Sports Bloopers. Jay?

Jay Mohr: [cheers and applause as we pan to Jay] Thanks, Norm. Hello. Thanks, Norm, you know, there's been a lot of nutty stuff goin' on in the sports world lately so let's just get right to the videotape. First, in football, it's the AFC championship game between the Steelers and the Chargers. Here's a kickoff like you've never seen before. [dissolve to video, goofy music accompanies the video which runs backward] The Steelers' Charlie Johnson takes the ball -- and he throws it seventy yards back to the kicker's foot! That is crazy! ... [dissolve back to Jay who laughs and pounds on the WU desk]

Alrighty! Whooo! ... Now to hockey. The season's only one night old but already we have an incredible blooper for you. Opening night at the Garden, Rangers versus Sabers. Check out this action. [dissolve to upside down video of hockey game] Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa haha! They're skating upside down, everybody! Somebody teach these guys about gravity! Hee hee hee! [dissolve back to Norm and Jay at the WU desk]

Norm MacDonald: Uh, Jay, about these bloopers, they're--

Jay Mohr: Now, hold on a minute, Norm! You ain't seen nothin' yet, okay? Quickly now to basketball. [dissolve to Chicago Bulls basketball game] Scotty Pippen tries to shoot and, wouldn't you know it, the ball freezes to the backboard! [freeze frame of video] ... [dissolve to Jay] Hey, Scotty, what'd you do, cover the ball with glue? [laughs]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, Jay, that's enough.

Jay Mohr: Enough?! Come on Norm, you can never get enough of those wacky sports bloopers! They're priceless!

Norm MacDonald: Now, now, Jay, these - these aren't bloopers, you just manipulated the videotape.

Jay Mohr: Aw, you're talkin' crazy. ... Come on, check this one out. It's from the U.S. Clay Court Championships. [dissolve to speeded up video of men's tennis game] And Jim Courier and Goran Pripic have quite a rally going! Yowww! ... Look at those guys, they're flying, where's the fire?! Somebody gave those guys super energy pills or somethin', right?! [dissolve back to Norm and Jay]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, Jay, uh, look I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Bloopers are real events that happen on the field. You're giving, uh, sports bloopers a bad name.

Jay Mohr: Aw, all right, fine, Norm, if that's the way you want it. I think I've got a blooper that's more, y'know, real. Uh, we go to basketball. [dissolve to NBA basketball game] Seattle's Kendall Gill goes up for a dunk and misses! [dissolve back to Norm and Jay]

Norm MacDonald: [laughs long and loud] Ahh, hahahahaha! ... Ah, that's funny!

Jay Mohr: No, that's not the blooper. Keep watching, Norm. Here it goes. [dissolve back to video of NBA basketball game] Seattle gets the ball back, here they are and, wouldn't you know it! [cut to old film of Godzilla looming over a sports complex] Godzilla attacks the arena! ... [Godzilla's tail smashes a structure, he emits radioactive breath, setting fire to some buildings] Wow! Put a tent on that circus! I've never seen anything like that! [dissolve back to Norm and Jay] That's it, Norm, from the wacky world of sports!

Norm MacDonald: [nods, rolls his eyes] Okay, thanks, Jay. [cheers and applause for Jay, Norm shakes his head at him]

Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announced this week that her football team is moving to St. Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changing cities, the ticket sales will increase and more people will pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is: they will still suck. ...

Well, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but already the 49ers are leading 31 to nothing. ...

Finally, Amy Fisher charged this week that, while in prison, she was raped by a guard. The guard, one Joseph Buttafuoco, has been reassigned to the prison auto body shop. ...

So, apparently, that's the one we're ending on. Okay, that's it for now. See ya next week, folks!

Submitted Anonymously

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