Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Tim Meadows
... Jay Mohr
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks,
I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the fake news.
Singer Billy Joel survived a massive earthquake which
rocked Japan this week. The quake, which hit the port
city of Kobe, killed nearly five thousand people and
demolished hundreds of buildings. To repeat: do not
panic! Billy Joel has survived the earthquake!
[Photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton - Bill's arms are
outstretched before him] Here we see President
Clinton, looking for something -- anything -- to hug
besides his wife. ... [cheers and applause]
In an effort to feel smarter than somebody, Dan Quayle
this week spoke to four thousand Amway employees. ...
[cheers and applause]
Jimmy Carter has written a collection of poetry. It
includes his latest poem, entitled "Ode to a Country
Full of Stupid, Ungrateful Bastards." ...
Here's an amazing story: twins born ninety-five days
apart. Even more amazing, they were born to different
mothers and they don't even look alike. ... Hard to
Well, the NHL strike officially ended Thursday. After
some adjustments to the schedule, the regular season
started last night, and the playoffs will start
And now, with a commentary on the resolution of that
hockey strike, is Tim Meadows. Tim?
Tim Meadows: [cheers and applause as we pan
over to Tim in a suit and tie] Thank you. Well, the
hockey strike is over and no one is more relieved than
me, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn't think I
was gonna make it and I'm sure I speak for all
African-Americans when I say, "Game on at last! Game
on at last! ... Thank God Almighty, game on at last!"
... You see, white America had taken everything it
could from black people. Our culture, our heritage,
our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our ice
I tell ya, it was weird to walk through the
African-American community at night and not hear the
sound of "Hockey Night in Canada" coming from every
home. ... Or kids saying, "Yo! Yo! He shoots! He
scores!" ... And I couldn't call my brother and say,
"Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?" ...
And, echoing the sentiments of the entire
African-American community, he would say, "Yo, little
brother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly."
... So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, Jeff
Beukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck.
The African-American community and Tim Meadows are
watching. Back to you, Norm. [cheers and
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Tim Meadows! Thanks,
A blind man felt Princess Diana's face last week and
said, "She is the prettiest woman I've ever seen." He
then picked up a toilet plunger and said, "Thank you
for this royal scepter, I shall treasure it always."
According to the National Transportation Safety Board,
sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand
deaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at two
deaths a year. ...
Well, O. J. Simpson's lawyers stopped feuding this
week, finally. The dream team, F. Lee Bailey and
Robert Shapiro, were able to put aside their
differences and express their admiration for each
other after O. J. threatened to cut their heads off.
... [cheers and applause]
The United Paramount Network's new show, "Star Trek:
Voyager," finished in first place Monday night with a
14.7 rating. For those of you who don't know, one
rating point is equal to 950,000 nerds. ... [some
Officials in Disney World have ordered their ride "The
ExtraTERRORestrial" to be shut down until it can be
made scarier. When the attraction reopens in two
weeks, it will be exactly the same -- but missing six
This week, a court banned gays from marching in
Boston's St. Patrick's Day parade, but they will still
allow them to be beaten up by drunken Irish guys. ...
[scattered applause] I'm afraid to know what you're
applauding at there. Okay. ...
Norm MacDonald: And now, turning again to
sports, it's time for Jay Mohr's Wacky Sports
Jay Mohr: [cheers and applause as we pan to
Jay] Thanks, Norm. Hello. Thanks, Norm, you know,
there's been a lot of nutty stuff goin' on in the
sports world lately so let's just get right to the
videotape. First, in football, it's the AFC
championship game between the Steelers and the
Chargers. Here's a kickoff like you've never seen
before. [dissolve to video, goofy music accompanies
the video which runs backward] The Steelers' Charlie
Johnson takes the ball -- and he throws it seventy
yards back to the kicker's foot! That is crazy!
... [dissolve back to Jay who laughs and pounds on the
Alrighty! Whooo! ... Now to hockey. The season's only
one night old but already we have an incredible
blooper for you. Opening night at the Garden, Rangers
versus Sabers. Check out this action. [dissolve to
upside down video of hockey game] Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa
haha! They're skating upside down, everybody! Somebody
teach these guys about gravity! Hee hee hee!
[dissolve back to Norm and Jay at the WU desk]
Norm MacDonald: Uh, Jay, about these bloopers,
Jay Mohr: Now, hold on a minute, Norm! You
ain't seen nothin' yet, okay? Quickly now to
basketball. [dissolve to Chicago Bulls basketball
game] Scotty Pippen tries to shoot and, wouldn't you
know it, the ball freezes to the backboard!
[freeze frame of video] ... [dissolve to Jay] Hey,
Scotty, what'd you do, cover the ball with glue?
Norm MacDonald: Okay, Jay, that's
Jay Mohr: Enough?! Come on Norm, you can never
get enough of those wacky sports bloopers! They're
Norm MacDonald: Now, now, Jay, these - these
aren't bloopers, you just manipulated the
Jay Mohr: Aw, you're talkin' crazy. ... Come
on, check this one out.
It's from the U.S. Clay Court Championships. [dissolve
to speeded up video of men's tennis game] And Jim
Courier and Goran Pripic have quite a rally going!
Yowww! ... Look at those guys, they're flying, where's
the fire?! Somebody gave those guys super energy pills
or somethin', right?! [dissolve back to Norm and
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Jay, uh, look I'm sorry,
I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Bloopers are
real events that happen on the field. You're giving,
uh, sports bloopers a bad name.
Jay Mohr: Aw, all right, fine, Norm, if that's
the way you want it. I think I've got a blooper that's
more, y'know, real. Uh, we go to basketball.
[dissolve to NBA basketball game] Seattle's Kendall
Gill goes up for a dunk and misses! [dissolve
back to Norm and Jay]
Norm MacDonald: [laughs long and loud] Ahh,
hahahahaha! ... Ah, that's funny!
Jay Mohr: No, that's not the blooper. Keep
watching, Norm. Here it goes. [dissolve back to video
of NBA basketball game] Seattle gets the ball back,
here they are and, wouldn't you know it! [cut to old
film of Godzilla looming over a sports complex]
Godzilla attacks the arena! ... [Godzilla's
tail smashes a structure, he emits radioactive breath,
setting fire to some buildings] Wow! Put a tent on
that circus! I've never seen anything like that!
[dissolve back to Norm and Jay] That's it, Norm, from
the wacky world of sports!
Norm MacDonald: [nods, rolls his eyes] Okay,
thanks, Jay. [cheers and applause for Jay, Norm shakes
his head at him]
Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announced
this week that her football team is moving to St.
Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changing
cities, the ticket sales will increase and more people
will pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is:
they will still suck. ...
Well, the Super Bowl is still a week away, but already
the 49ers are leading 31 to nothing. ...
Finally, Amy Fisher charged this week that, while in
prison, she was raped by a guard. The guard, one
Joseph Buttafuoco, has been reassigned to the prison
auto body shop. ...
So, apparently, that's the one we're ending on. Okay,
that's it for now. See ya next week,