Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
Operaman.....Adam Sandler



Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

O.J.'s pal Al Cowlings now has a 1-900 numbner. For $2.99 a minute, Cowlings will tell callers O.J. is innocent. And for $3.99 a minute, he'll try to do it without laughing.

This week, President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents Gerald Ford and George Bush. Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball, giving her a broken nose and ten stitches. But, don't be impressed, it took him five strokes to do it, so..

A study says that pot use in high school is up sharply. [ holds up money ] Don't I know it! Oh, yeah.. I'm joking!

According to a survey, 58% of men would have sex with a woman they disliked. Although, while having sex, they would really, really like them, and then afterwards not like them again.


Norm MacDonald: And now, here with his own look at the news, ia Operaman!

Operaman: Gracia, Norm, gracia!

[ pictured: Colin Ferguson ]
Colin Ferguson self-represento
Speaks-a well-a, intelligento
Says no guilty por train attack-oh
But jury say
Es still a wacko!


[ pictured: Demi Moore ]
Demi Moore-a salaria
12 million por next movie!
4 million for her acting
4 million for each-a booby!


[ pictured: Brad Pitt ]
Brad Pitt sexiest
"People" wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!


[ pictured: baseball strike article ]
Baseball scabs on opening day-a?
Just as good as reglar player
Mange your hot dog, drink-a your soda
Look at shortstop
Abe Vigoda!


[ pictured: Tom Hanks ]
Tom Hanks-o
Nominato
Second time-o
You're a great-o
Next year vacation
Go to France-o
Give someone else
A freakin' chance-o!


Have a bueno Presidentes Day
Big-a sales, so shop away!
Operaman bye, bye


[ roses are tossed to Operaman across the Update desk ]

Norm MacDonald: There he is! Adam Sandler. Operaman, Adam Sandler, Operaman.

In a touching Valentine's Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.

Roseanne was married on Valentine's Day, and, gee, you know, as romantic as that sounds, I find myself far more interested in almost anything else that is going on on the face of the planet.

And finally, the Oscar nominations were announced this week, and Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy's controversial new category: Best Retard.


Norm MacDonald: Well, that's it! Thanks, folks, see you next week!


SNL Transcripts