Black History Month

... Ellen Cleghorne
... Tim Meadows
... Chris Farley

[Graphic: a photo collage of famous African-American men next to a text reading: BLACK HISTORY MONTH.]

Don Pardo: "Saturday Night Live" is proud to honor Black History Month.

[Dissolve to Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows, nicely dressed, seated at a desk in front of a view of a big city skyline. They address the camera:]

Ellen Cleghorne: Thank you. As you all know, February is Black History Month.

Tim Meadows: And so we thought this would be an appropriate time to reflect upon the achievements of African-Americans over the past year. And what better way to start ... [Photo of O. J. Simpson inset over Tim's shoulder] ... than with O. J. Simpson whose trial in Los Angeles has reminded all Americans of his remarkable achievements as a running back and a corporate spokesman for Hertz Rent-a-Car.

Ellen Cleghorne: While, on the other side of the country ... [Photo of crazed killer Colin Ferguson] ... the trial of Colin Ferguson showed how a man without the advantages of a legal education could conduct his own defense and nearly pull off the impossible!

Tim Meadows: You know, on second thought, perhaps this wasn't the best way to kick off the celebration of Black History Month. So let's go to the world of politics ... [Photo of Dr. Henry Foster] ... where Henry Foster is about to become our nation's next Surgeon General.

Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of Dr. Jocelyn Elders] Dr. Foster will succeed Jocelyn Elders who was forced to resign last December for ... recommending ... mastur ... bation.

Tim Meadows: Also in the world of politics, in what must surely be the political comeback of the year ... [Photo of drug-abusing mayor Marion Barry] ... Washington, D.C. mayor Marion-- You know, enough about politics. What about the world of sports, Ellen?

Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of NBA basketball player Vernon Maxwell] In sports, Houston Rockets guard Vernon Maxwell showed he had the right stuff when he left the court and went into the stands and savagely beat a fan who-- Let's move on. [Photo of drug-abusing baseball player Daryl Strawberry] N-n-no, let's just skip this one. [Photo of convicted felon and heavyweight boxing champ Iron Mike Tyson] Yeah, this one, too! [Photo of O. J. Simpson - same photo as earlier] COME ON! We already DID O. J. Simpson!

Tim Meadows: Yeah, what's going on? I mean, why do we only have pictures of black people who did something wrong, you know? What about white people who've done something? I bet you don't have a picture of Jeffrey Dahmer. He was in the news. [Graphic reading: NO PICTURE AVAILABLE] Yeah. I thought so!

Ellen Cleghorne: [soberly] The fact is, African-Americans have been in this country for over three hundred and fifty years and that's longer than most white Americans. African-Americans have fought in every one of our wars. We've contributed more than any other group to American culture, language and music.

Tim Meadows: [brightening] Hey, what about music? [Photo of pedophile pop singer Michael Jackson] Next. [Photo of singer Rick James, his tongue sticking out of his mouth] Come on, now! Rick James? He hasn't had an album in ten years! You know, what's next, Tupac Shakur? [Photo of convicted rapper Tupac Shakur] Figures.

Ellen Cleghorne: You know, Tim, when you think about it, maybe this wasn't such a great Black History Month.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, this was kind of a "rebuilding year" for black history.

Ellen Cleghorne: But -- on an up note -- this marks the first time in the history of "Saturday Night Live" that two African-American cast members have opened the show by saying, in unison...

Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together and shout] Live from New York--!

Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his arms around Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What's up?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinning Farley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]

Ellen Cleghorne: What are you doing here?

Chris Farley: Nothin'.

Tim Meadows: Chris, uh, we're kind of in the middle of something, all right?

Chris Farley: I know. I got one line and I'm out of here.

Tim Meadows: Nuh uh! Not this one! Get out!

Chris Farley: [reluctantly] All right. [nasally] Eees! [Farley exits with inhuman speed]

Tim Meadows: [disgusted, to Ellen] Eh--!

Ellen Cleghorne: [in disbelief, to Tim] Can you believe that?

Tim Meadows: I know. Let's just do it.

Both: [heads together, camera zooming in on them, with great enthusiasm] Live from New York -- it's Saturday Niiiiiight!

Submitted Anonymously

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