Black History Month
... Ellen Cleghorne
... Tim Meadows
... Chris Farley
[Graphic: a photo collage of famous African-American
men next to a text reading: BLACK HISTORY MONTH.]
Don Pardo: "Saturday Night Live" is proud to honor Black
[Dissolve to Ellen Cleghorne and Tim Meadows, nicely
dressed, seated at a desk in front of a view of a big
city skyline. They address the camera:]
Ellen Cleghorne: Thank you. As you all know, February
is Black History Month.
Tim Meadows: And so we thought this would be an
appropriate time to reflect upon the achievements of
African-Americans over the past year. And what better
way to start ... [Photo of O. J. Simpson inset over
Tim's shoulder] ... than with O. J. Simpson whose
trial in Los Angeles has reminded all Americans of his
remarkable achievements as a running back and a
corporate spokesman for Hertz Rent-a-Car.
Ellen Cleghorne: While, on the other side of the
country ... [Photo of crazed killer Colin Ferguson]
... the trial of Colin Ferguson showed how a man
without the advantages of a legal education could
conduct his own defense and nearly pull off the
Tim Meadows: You know, on second thought, perhaps this
wasn't the best way to kick off the celebration of
Black History Month. So let's go to the world of
politics ... [Photo of Dr. Henry Foster] ... where
Henry Foster is about to become our nation's next
Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of Dr. Jocelyn Elders]
Dr. Foster will succeed Jocelyn Elders who was forced
to resign last December for ... recommending ...
mastur ... bation.
Tim Meadows: Also in the world of politics, in what
must surely be the political comeback of the year ...
[Photo of drug-abusing mayor Marion Barry] ...
Washington, D.C. mayor Marion-- You know, enough about
politics. What about the world of sports, Ellen?
Ellen Cleghorne: Yeah! [Photo of NBA basketball player
Vernon Maxwell] In sports, Houston Rockets guard
Vernon Maxwell showed he had the right stuff when he
left the court and went into the stands and savagely
beat a fan who-- Let's move on. [Photo of drug-abusing
baseball player Daryl Strawberry] N-n-no, let's just
skip this one. [Photo of convicted felon and
heavyweight boxing champ Iron Mike Tyson] Yeah, this
one, too! [Photo of O. J. Simpson - same photo as
earlier] COME ON! We already DID O. J. Simpson!
Tim Meadows: Yeah, what's going on? I mean, why do we
only have pictures of black people who did something
wrong, you know? What about white people who've done
something? I bet you don't have a picture of Jeffrey
Dahmer. He was in the news. [Graphic reading: NO
PICTURE AVAILABLE] Yeah. I thought so!
Ellen Cleghorne: [soberly] The fact is,
African-Americans have been in this country for over
three hundred and fifty years and that's longer than
most white Americans. African-Americans have fought in
every one of our wars. We've contributed more than any
other group to American culture, language and music.
Tim Meadows: [brightening] Hey, what about music?
[Photo of pedophile pop singer Michael Jackson] Next.
[Photo of singer Rick James, his tongue sticking out
of his mouth] Come on, now! Rick James? He hasn't had
an album in ten years! You know, what's next, Tupac
Shakur? [Photo of convicted rapper Tupac Shakur]
Ellen Cleghorne: You know, Tim, when you think about
it, maybe this wasn't such a great Black History
Tim Meadows: Yeah, this was kind of a "rebuilding
year" for black history.
Ellen Cleghorne: But -- on an up note -- this marks
the first time in the history of "Saturday Night Live"
that two African-American cast members have opened the
show by saying, in unison...
Both: [enthusiastically put their heads together and
shout] Live from New York--!
Chris Farley: [abruptly enters and puts his arms
around Ellen and Tim, interrupting] Hey, guys! What's
up?! [audience cheers and applauds for a grinning
Farley as Ellen and Tim look glum and upset]
Ellen Cleghorne: What are you doing here?
Chris Farley: Nothin'.
Tim Meadows: Chris, uh, we're kind of in the middle of
something, all right?
Chris Farley: I know. I got one line and I'm out of here.
Tim Meadows: Nuh uh! Not this one! Get out!
Chris Farley: [reluctantly] All right. [nasally] Eees!
[Farley exits with inhuman speed]
Tim Meadows: [disgusted, to Ellen] Eh--!
Ellen Cleghorne: [in disbelief, to Tim] Can you believe that?
Tim Meadows: I know. Let's just do it.
Both: [heads together, camera zooming in on them, with
great enthusiasm] Live from New York -- it's Saturday