Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy ... David Spade
Frank Dippy ... Adam Sandler
Hank Doodle ... Chris Farley

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the fake news:

A Michigan man has been arrested for the murder of a co-worker following their joint appearance on "The Jenny Jones Show." Jenny Jones says she's very upset over the incident. How upset? Find out on the next "Jenny Jones." ...

F. Lee Bailey said this week that if the defense only knew what Ron Goldman's last words were, they might be able to find the real killer. You know, if you ask me, Goldman's last words were probably, ah, "Hey, you're O. J. Simpson!" ... [cheers and applause]

And Bailey insists he's talked to potential witness Maximo Cordoba. "I have NOT talked to F. Lee Bailey," says Maximo Cordoba. Who's right and who's wrong? Find out on the next "Cordoba." ...

Some teenagers are snorting or injecting Ritalin, a drug prescribed to treat attention deficit disorder in children. Drug abuse experts warn that Ritalin can cause accelerated blood pressure, along with enhanced mental alertness, a surge of energy, and an increased sense of self-confidence. And, remember, kids: those are BAD things. ...

[Photo of a man pointing a rifle at another man's face] Well, tests got underway this week to see if those new outlawed bullets are really as dangerous as everyone says. ...

Norm MacDonald: Well, in weather news, the south has been hit with a record number of tornadoes this month. Now, a lot of viewers, ah, don't understand what a tornado actually is. So here to explain is best selling author of "You May Be a Redneck," comedian Jeff Foxworthy. Jeff?

[Cheers and applause for the mustachioed, Southern-accented deadpan comic.]

Jeff Foxworthy: Thank you Norm, thank you. If you have winds swirling around you at a hundred and forty miles per hour and lawn chairs flying about, you might be a tornado. ...

If cumulus and nimbus clouds dissipate when you're around, there's a good change you're a tornado. ...

If you're an extratropical funnel comprised of warm, humid air conflicting with dry air, causing a cone-shaped swirling cloud that periodically touches down and tears a brutal path wherever it hits ... there's a chance you may be a tornado. ...

If people see you and run ... there's a good argument to be made, that you could be characterized, not unfairly, as a tornado. ...

If you were in Enid, Oklahoma in February 1960 and when you finished your destructive rampage, twenty-six people where left for dead, you may be a tornado.

If you look in the mirror and see this [holds up cartoon drawing of a tornado] ... you--

Norm MacDonald: [interrupts] Hey, hey, Jeff, now, ah, those are really funny but, hey, why don't you give us a redneck joke, huh? Like, ah, you know if, ah, if your family tree does not fork, you may be a redneck! One of those?

Jeff Foxworthy: Well, Norm, that was last year. Right now I'm focusing on promoting my new book, "You May Be a Tornado If..." Which is in its third printing and has hilarious jokes like the ones I just told you plus a whole lot more.

Norm MacDonald: Well, good luck there, Jeff. Thanks a lot for stoppin' by.

Jeff Foxworthy: There ya go, Norm! [cheers and applause] Thank you!

Norm MacDonald: Jeff Foxworthy!

Jeff Foxworthy: [flashes the drawing while exiting] Tornado!

Norm MacDonald: According to a controversial new biography, Elizabeth Taylor likes her lovemaking loud, rough, and frequent. Coincidentally, that's also how she likes to eat. ...

[Norm glances at headline that reads: "5th O. J. juror axed"] Oh no! O. J. has struck again! How 'bout that? ... [scattered applause] Not a good thing.

A recent study shows the number of sexually active teenagers is leveling off at 53 per cent. And another study shows the number of teenagers who tell their friends that they are sexually active is holding steady at 100 per cent. ...

[Photo of LaToya Jackson in concert] Here we see LaToya Jackson wowing the crowds in St. Petersburg, Russia. Of course, in Russia, "wowing" means "to disappoint or disgust." ...

The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becoming the first state to ban the use of lions, tigers, elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses. Officials also plan to change the state motto to "New Hampshire -- Where the Circus Really Sucks" ...

Norm MacDonald: Well, here at Weekend Update we like to hear what ordinary Americans have to say about world events. So here, with a point-counterpoint discussion, are Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle.

[Cheers and applause for two bespectacled, Middle American yokels -- thin Frank Dippy, wearing cowboy hat and Western string tie, and fat Hank Doodle wearing a tasseled red Shriners' fez.]

Norm MacDonald: Hey, how are ya, fellas?

Frank Dippy: Doin' fine, Norman.

Hank Doodle: Let's get it to it, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas, you know the rules. You have ten seconds to get your point across. Now, here's your first topic: The first hundred days of the Republican congress drawing to a close -- have they delivered their Contract with America? Frank Dippy, you have ten seconds.

Frank Dippy: [stuttering horribly] All right - ten, ten seconds, got a lot to say. One hundred days, this is going back to the, whoosh, got, it's as simple as - okay, Bill Clinton, got the - lemme just say that, hala, make no mistake, ha he hem - [BUZZER] - All right, out of time, okay.

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Okay. Okay, Hank , uh, Hank Doodle, your rebuttal.

Hank Doodle: Okay. I was just talkin' about this to ah, my bleedin' heart liberal brother. So I sits the guy down, I look him straight in the eye, and I says to him, I - I says to the guy. I says to him, I says, I says, he's right there, I'm right-- [BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: All right, fellas. Well, let's move on to the next topic. It's Oscar time. Best picture category, what do you think? Frank Dippy?

Frank Dippy: So many terrific, ah - Pulp Fic-- Pulp Fiction got the, got the, [?], Shawshank, got the, but, okay one thing about the Gump, you got, who, okay, yeah. Brando - Brando did not want to show up because of the Indians. But, oh, I'm getting ahead of myself. Ah, okay, focus, gotta think here. It all comes down to the-- [BUZZER] ... That did not go well, all right.

Norm MacDonald: Okay, well, Hank Doodle, the floor is yours. Best picture?

Hank Doodle: An old school buddy of mine is, ah, in the Academy, I don't normally do this but I called him up and I says to him, I, I, I says to him, I says, I says, I says, I says, I says to him, I says, put him right on the spot and I, I, I says to him, I-- [BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: All right, well, the O. J. trial -- is the high-priced defense team giving O. J. his money's worth? This is a complex issue so I'm going to give each of you twenty seconds. Frank Dippy?

Frank Dippy: Okay, now look, ah, I'm not lookin' to ruffle any feathers, here, it's just, let's start at the top here, okay, well, Papa Gino's gives ya, ah, forget that - gettin' sidetracked, anyway, Judge Ito is fooling himself if he thinks any-- anyway, I says to the guy, I says, I says to him, I says-- Oh, that's HIS thing. All right, okay, gotta hurry, and, and, ah, here comes the buzzer, and-- [BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: Okay. Look, I think the twenty second thing might have been a mistake, there, so, Mr. Doodle, for your rebuttal, I'm going to give you four seconds. Go ahead.

Hank Doodle: Well, I says to him, I says, I, I says, I says, I says-- [BUZZER]

Norm MacDonald: Now, fellas, I know you're both huge college basketball fans, so, in closing, why don't you tell us who you think's gonna win the Final Four?

[Dippy and Doodle simultaneously jabber away, stuttering and "I says"-ing. After a few moments, Norm ends the bit.]

Norm MacDonald: All right, okay, I think that's enough, Frank Dippy and Hank Doodle, everyone! [Cheers and applause as Dippy and Doodle exit jabbering, much to Norm's amusement] Well, um ...

Newlyweds Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson had their first argument this week. He wants kids, while she wants fake kids. ...

[Photo of multisport athlete Michael Jordan] And, finally, well, it's official-- [cheers and applause] There ya go. Michael Jordan is leaving baseball to return to basketball. It is unclear whether the media will now refer to him by his old basketball nickname, "Air Jordan," or his more recent baseball nickname, "Seņor Crappy." ...

And that's it. Thanks, folks! See ya next week.

[Music. Cheers and applause. With a stylish flip of his sheaf of papers, Norm removes his microphone, rises and exits. Fade.]

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