The Penis Measuring Machine
... Chris Elliott
1st Traveler ... John Goodman
2nd Traveler ... Kevin Nealon
Hare Krishna ... Mark McKinney
Newscaster ... Michael McKean
... Lorne Michaels
[Aerial view of a modern airport. SUPER: THE NEW
DENVER AIRPORT - Dissolve to the interior of the busy
airport terminal. Standing in front of the restroom
doors, cast member Chris Elliott plays the role of a
pollster. He wears a dark sweater over a shirt and tie
and makes notes on a clipboard. A man with a travel
bag emerges from the men's room and Elliott greets
Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. I'm a
representative of the New Denver Airport here.
1st Traveler: Hi.
Chris Elliott: Hi, how are ya? Um, and I'm
taking a poll and I'm wondering if I could have a
moment of your time.
1st Traveler: Okay.
Chris Elliott: Great. How are you enjoying the
new airport so far?
1st Traveler: Oh, very much so. The
architecture alone is spectacular.
Chris Elliott: Yes, it is, isn't it? Have you
been taking advantage of our new moving sidewalks
which enable you to travel from one departure gate to
the next with the greatest of ease?
1st Traveler: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
See, if I have a layover, I just ride the moving
sidewalks back and forth, just for the fun of
Chris Elliott: [laughs heartily] They are fun,
1st Traveler: Yes, they are.
Chris Elliott: Okay, [reads from clipboard] and
- if the Denver Airport supplied a service free of
charge to measure your penis, um ... would that be of
any interest to you?
1st Traveler: [frowns, after a pause]
Chris Elliott: Okay. Thank you very much, sir.
Enjoy your flight.
[The traveler nods and exits as Elliott makes notes on
his clipboard. A second traveler emerges from the
Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. Uh, I'm a
representative of the New Denver Airport here and I'm
taking a poll and, actually, the first question I'd
like to ask you is: where are you traveling
2nd Traveler: Waterloo, Iowa.
Chris Elliott: Okay. And is that business or
2nd Traveler: That would be pleasure.
Chris Elliott: Oh, boy, I envy you. Have you
had any trouble, uh, with our new computerized baggage
2nd Traveler: No. No problems.
Chris Elliott: Okay, fine. Now, if the New
Denver Airport, uh, offered a service whereby your
penis would be measured quickly and, uh, with ninety
percent accuracy, and at no cost to you, the weary
traveler ... would that be of any interest to you,
2nd Traveler: [slight pause] I would have to
Chris Elliott: Well, it would be a, uh, simple
machine about, uh, [puts hand at level of his navel]
yea-high, um, mounted most likely in the men's room or
perhaps a discreet corner of the airport terminal
2nd Traveler: Would the device itself be
Chris Elliott: [nods] It would be heated, uh,
self-cleaning and, uh, provided in a smoke-free
2nd Traveler: Hmm. What exactly would it
Chris Elliott: Well, after it measures you, uh,
you would get a wallet-sized, laminated card, uh, with
your measurements on it, um, and then that information
would be fed to our mainframe computer in El Paso,
2nd Traveler: What purpose would that
Chris Elliott: Well, in case you lose your card
or it's stolen, um ... you or a verified family member
can, uh, access that information, ah, simply by
dialing our 1-900 number.
2nd Traveler: Uh ... no, I wouldn't be
Chris Elliott: [nods] All right, thank you very
much, sir. [traveler exits] Enjoy your flight.
[A grinning Hare Krishna carrying a handful of flowers
Chris Elliott: Hi! How are you, sir? Could I
ask you a--
Hare Krishna: [enthusiastic] Yes!
Chris Elliott: Well, you don't know what I'm
going to ask you--
Hare Krishna: Yes, I do. You want to know if I
want my penis measured by a machine.
Chris Elliott: [amused] Well, as a matter of
fact, that's exactly what I want to ask you.
Hare Krishna: Well, I would! And I'd like it
done right now!
Chris Elliott: Well, I'm afraid that's
impossible, sir, because those machines have not been
Hare Krishna: [disappointed] Oh. That's too
Chris Elliott: Yes. That IS too bad. [drops
clipboard on the ground, breaks character, turns to
studio audience and camera] Ladies and gentlemen, that
is the end of our sketch here. [applause, Elliott
raises his arms] Um, no. Please. Hold your applause.
Um, I - I don't know if they've yanked me off the air.
No one knows that I'm going to do this. Um, I know
many of you may have felt that this was an infantile
sketch and, under other circumstances, I would agree
with you. But, please understand, this was not a scene
about the new airport in Denver, Colorado. I could
care less about the new airport in Denver, Colorado.
[dead serious] This scene was about the future.
Because, in the future, such devices as the ones - the
one depicted in our little send-up WILL exist.
[Behind Elliott, fellow cast member Mark McKinney, the
Hare Krishna, nods in agreement.]
And that's why, [sighs] after, well, almost ten
glorious years as a cast member here at Saturday Night
Live, I am now leaving the show. [to McKinney who
steps forward] No, Mark, I am. [some in the crowd say
"awww"] No, no, no, stop. [removing his necktie] I've
already left my family, I'm moving to the desert and I
am going to invent the Penis Measuring Machine. Thank
you. [hugs McKinney, hands him his necktie] Goodbye,
Mark. Here's my tie.
[waves to the crowd] Goodbye to all of you. [cheers
and applause] Thank you for all the years of joy and
happiness. [hugs an audience member] You're wonderful.
You've all been wonderful. Goodbye. Oh, thank you.
[hugs another audience member] Please know that there
are people, especially at this show, that do not want
me to build the Penis Measuring Machine for obvious
reasons. So, if anything should happen to me, the
prototype for-- the blueprints for the prototype of
the machine are buried underneath my garage. Thank
[Cheers and applause as Elliott exits. Cut to the
hallway outside the studio where the image has
switched from color to black-and-white. A sizable
crowd mills around outside the two doors marked
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. A newscaster's voice is
Newscaster V/O: This has come as quite a shock,
the announcement by Chris Elliott that he is leaving
the show. Oh, there he is, there he is.
[Elliott emerges through the doors and, holding his
wrists together as if he were handcuffed, is
immediately joined by a tall man in a cowboy hat and
SNL producer Lorne Michaels who soberly lead him by
the arms down the hallway in the same manner that
alleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was led from
Dallas Police Headquarters one fateful day in 1963.
Without his necktie, Elliott resembles Oswald. The
crowd trails along behind them as photographers'
flashbulbs pop and the newscaster describes the
Newscaster V/O: His trademark smirk. He is
being, of course, accompanied by Lorne Michaels and
Dallas Police Chief Fitz. They'll be transporting him
by van to the desert where he will attempt to build
his Penis Measuring Machine.
[A man resembling Oswald assassin Jack Ruby runs up
abruptly and sticks a handgun in Elliott's
Jack Ruby: Elliott!
[A gunshot. Ruby turns and runs off. The crowd reacts
in shock. Elliott clutches his stomach and winces in
pain, mouth wide open, just like Oswald. Zoom in and
freeze on a close shot of Elliott surrounded by the
Newscaster V/O: Once again, Chris-- Oh, my God!
He's been shot! Elliott's been shot! Somebody shot
[Music: "A Horse with No Name" by America. SUPER:
CHRIS ELLIOTT / CAST MEMBER 1985-1995. Cheers and
applause as we fade.]