The Penis Measuring Machine

... Chris Elliott
1st Traveler ... John Goodman
2nd Traveler ... Kevin Nealon
Hare Krishna ... Mark McKinney
Newscaster ... Michael McKean
... Lorne Michaels

[Aerial view of a modern airport. SUPER: THE NEW DENVER AIRPORT - Dissolve to the interior of the busy airport terminal. Standing in front of the restroom doors, cast member Chris Elliott plays the role of a pollster. He wears a dark sweater over a shirt and tie and makes notes on a clipboard. A man with a travel bag emerges from the men's room and Elliott greets him.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. I'm a representative of the New Denver Airport here.

1st Traveler: Hi.

Chris Elliott: Hi, how are ya? Um, and I'm taking a poll and I'm wondering if I could have a moment of your time.

1st Traveler: Okay.

Chris Elliott: Great. How are you enjoying the new airport so far?

1st Traveler: Oh, very much so. The architecture alone is spectacular.

Chris Elliott: Yes, it is, isn't it? Have you been taking advantage of our new moving sidewalks which enable you to travel from one departure gate to the next with the greatest of ease?

1st Traveler: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. See, if I have a layover, I just ride the moving sidewalks back and forth, just for the fun of it.

Chris Elliott: [laughs heartily] They are fun, aren't they?

1st Traveler: Yes, they are.

Chris Elliott: Okay, [reads from clipboard] and - if the Denver Airport supplied a service free of charge to measure your penis, um ... would that be of any interest to you?

1st Traveler: [frowns, after a pause] No.

Chris Elliott: Okay. Thank you very much, sir. Enjoy your flight.

[The traveler nods and exits as Elliott makes notes on his clipboard. A second traveler emerges from the men's room.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! Excuse me, sir. Uh, I'm a representative of the New Denver Airport here and I'm taking a poll and, actually, the first question I'd like to ask you is: where are you traveling to?

2nd Traveler: Waterloo, Iowa.

Chris Elliott: Okay. And is that business or pleasure?

2nd Traveler: That would be pleasure.

Chris Elliott: Oh, boy, I envy you. Have you had any trouble, uh, with our new computerized baggage carousel?

2nd Traveler: No. No problems.

Chris Elliott: Okay, fine. Now, if the New Denver Airport, uh, offered a service whereby your penis would be measured quickly and, uh, with ninety percent accuracy, and at no cost to you, the weary traveler ... would that be of any interest to you, sir?

2nd Traveler: [slight pause] I would have to know more.

Chris Elliott: Well, it would be a, uh, simple machine about, uh, [puts hand at level of his navel] yea-high, um, mounted most likely in the men's room or perhaps a discreet corner of the airport terminal itself.

2nd Traveler: Would the device itself be heated?

Chris Elliott: [nods] It would be heated, uh, self-cleaning and, uh, provided in a smoke-free environment.

2nd Traveler: Hmm. What exactly would it do?

Chris Elliott: Well, after it measures you, uh, you would get a wallet-sized, laminated card, uh, with your measurements on it, um, and then that information would be fed to our mainframe computer in El Paso, Texas.

2nd Traveler: What purpose would that be?

Chris Elliott: Well, in case you lose your card or it's stolen, um ... you or a verified family member can, uh, access that information, ah, simply by dialing our 1-900 number.

2nd Traveler: Uh ... no, I wouldn't be interested.

Chris Elliott: [nods] All right, thank you very much, sir. [traveler exits] Enjoy your flight.

[A grinning Hare Krishna carrying a handful of flowers approaches Elliott.]

Chris Elliott: Hi! How are you, sir? Could I ask you a--

Hare Krishna: [enthusiastic] Yes!

Chris Elliott: Well, you don't know what I'm going to ask you--

Hare Krishna: Yes, I do. You want to know if I want my penis measured by a machine.

Chris Elliott: [amused] Well, as a matter of fact, that's exactly what I want to ask you.

Hare Krishna: Well, I would! And I'd like it done right now!

Chris Elliott: Well, I'm afraid that's impossible, sir, because those machines have not been invented yet.

Hare Krishna: [disappointed] Oh. That's too bad.

Chris Elliott: Yes. That IS too bad. [drops clipboard on the ground, breaks character, turns to studio audience and camera] Ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of our sketch here. [applause, Elliott raises his arms] Um, no. Please. Hold your applause. [crowd quiets]

Um, I - I don't know if they've yanked me off the air. No one knows that I'm going to do this. Um, I know many of you may have felt that this was an infantile sketch and, under other circumstances, I would agree with you. But, please understand, this was not a scene about the new airport in Denver, Colorado. I could care less about the new airport in Denver, Colorado. [dead serious] This scene was about the future. Because, in the future, such devices as the ones - the one depicted in our little send-up WILL exist.

[Behind Elliott, fellow cast member Mark McKinney, the Hare Krishna, nods in agreement.]

And that's why, [sighs] after, well, almost ten glorious years as a cast member here at Saturday Night Live, I am now leaving the show. [to McKinney who steps forward] No, Mark, I am. [some in the crowd say "awww"] No, no, no, stop. [removing his necktie] I've already left my family, I'm moving to the desert and I am going to invent the Penis Measuring Machine. Thank you. [hugs McKinney, hands him his necktie] Goodbye, Mark. Here's my tie.

[waves to the crowd] Goodbye to all of you. [cheers and applause] Thank you for all the years of joy and happiness. [hugs an audience member] You're wonderful. You've all been wonderful. Goodbye. Oh, thank you. [hugs another audience member] Please know that there are people, especially at this show, that do not want me to build the Penis Measuring Machine for obvious reasons. So, if anything should happen to me, the prototype for-- the blueprints for the prototype of the machine are buried underneath my garage. Thank you! Goodbye!

[Cheers and applause as Elliott exits. Cut to the hallway outside the studio where the image has switched from color to black-and-white. A sizable crowd mills around outside the two doors marked SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. A newscaster's voice is heard.]

Newscaster V/O: This has come as quite a shock, the announcement by Chris Elliott that he is leaving the show. Oh, there he is, there he is.

[Elliott emerges through the doors and, holding his wrists together as if he were handcuffed, is immediately joined by a tall man in a cowboy hat and SNL producer Lorne Michaels who soberly lead him by the arms down the hallway in the same manner that alleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald was led from Dallas Police Headquarters one fateful day in 1963. Without his necktie, Elliott resembles Oswald. The crowd trails along behind them as photographers' flashbulbs pop and the newscaster describes the scene.]

Newscaster V/O: His trademark smirk. He is being, of course, accompanied by Lorne Michaels and Dallas Police Chief Fitz. They'll be transporting him by van to the desert where he will attempt to build his Penis Measuring Machine.

[A man resembling Oswald assassin Jack Ruby runs up abruptly and sticks a handgun in Elliott's ribs.]

Jack Ruby: Elliott!

[A gunshot. Ruby turns and runs off. The crowd reacts in shock. Elliott clutches his stomach and winces in pain, mouth wide open, just like Oswald. Zoom in and freeze on a close shot of Elliott surrounded by the horrified crowd.]

Newscaster V/O: Once again, Chris-- Oh, my God! He's been shot! Elliott's been shot! Somebody shot him!

[Music: "A Horse with No Name" by America. SUPER: CHRIS ELLIOTT / CAST MEMBER 1985-1995. Cheers and applause as we fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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