Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Kato Kaelin ... David Spade
Marcia Clark ... Laura Kightlinger
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, cracking his
knuckles. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm
Macdonald and this is the news:
Last week, as Pat Buchanan announced his decision to
run for president, several people jumped on stage
chanting, "Buchanan is a racist." As security began to
wrestle them from the stage Buchanan stopped them and
said, "Let them continue, that's my slogan."
Republican presidential candidate Phil Gramm, of
Texas, said yesterday that if he and President Clinton
met in the general election next year, he would,
quote, "Chew him up and spit him out." President
Clinton, on the other hand, says that he would take
Gramm, deep fry him, dip him in mayonnaise, and
swallow him whole. ...
Well, the nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyo
subway attack, is a colorless, odorless, substance
that swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fills
the lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it's
still better than anything on the Warner Brothers
Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reduced
federal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that, in
case anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs over
[Norm glances at a headline which reads: "Judge Gives
Ferguson 200 Years in 6 Killings"] Well, how 'bout
this, huh? You know, it makes me sick when a society
lets a guy like Colin Ferguson live for another two
hundred years! It's ... ridiculous, it's crazy!
A new study says that people who quit smoking have
healthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story from
the pages of the medical journal, "DUH" ... [Image of
the October 1994 cover of DUH which features a photo
of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE IS
GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT FOR
BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH -- cheers and
The ... Hertz rental car company announced this week
that it will buy five hundred and twenty thousand
vehicles, increasing its worldwide fleet twenty-four
percent. In addition, they will try to find a new
spokesman who won't kill his ex-wife. ...
And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O.
J. Simpson did NOT appear angry before, or after, the
period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he
could have been a touch edgy while he was actually
murdering her. Might have been, ah... [applause]
Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week,
making it the longest job he has ever held. ...
And now let's take a look at some of his testimony
from earlier this week.
[Dissolve to witness stand. Kato Kaelin enters and
sits, dropping an entire cup of water in the process.
SUPER: Brian "Kato" Kaelin.]
Kato Kaelin: Sorry. [clears throat]
[Throughout his cross-examination, Kato answers
questions from the offscreen prosecutor, Marcia Clark,
with great gravity and sobriety.]
Marcia Clark: All right, Mr. Kaelin, are you
Kato Kaelin: A little, yes.
Marcia Clark: Uh, please tell the court, Mr.
Kaelin, what it is you do for a living.
Kato Kaelin: I'm an actor.
Marcia Clark: Oh, really? An actor? And what
kind of parts have you had, Mr. Kaelin?
Kato Kaelin: I did a couple of horror films and
I hosted, ah, "Talk Soup." I think I did a good
Marcia Clark: Ah, would you say you did a
better job than the guy who hosts it now?
Kato Kaelin: Yes, I would.
Marcia Clark: And do you know the new guy's
Kato Kaelin: [thinks hard for a moment] No, I
Marcia Clark: Okay. And how were the ratings
for "Talk Soup" when you hosted?
Kato Kaelin: I believe they were very high,
somewhere around a one point six.
Marcia Clark: [ironic] Wow. Sounds high to
Kato Kaelin: It - it is, for
Marcia Clark: Do you have any other special
Kato Kaelin: I do an impression of, uh, a
Stairmaster going to a higher level.
Marcia Clark: Can you please perform that
Stairmaster impression for the court?
Kato Kaelin: [glances at offscreen judge for
approval, nods, rises self-consciously, pretends to
walk on a Stairmaster while emitting a slow
low-pitched whining, then flips an imaginary switch,
walks faster and emits a high-pitched whining, stops,
glances around self-consciously and sits]
Marcia Clark: Uh, that's not very funny, Mr.
Kato Kaelin: [points to someone offscreen] That
guy was laughin'.
Marcia Clark: Uh, noted. Ah, noted. It also
says here you can do a dog barking. Do you think this
is something the court needs to hear?
Kato Kaelin: Yes, I do. [clears throat,
imitates a small dog barking]
Marcia Clark: [slightly confused] So, then, Mr.
Kaelin, you're saying that was the sound Nicole
Simpson's dog made the night of the murders?
Kato Kaelin: No, that's a small dog. I can't do
Marcia Clark: Ah, Mr. Kaelin, you're - you're
Kato Kaelin: Yes, I am.
[Dissolve back to the WU desk where Norm
Norm MacDonald: Kato Kaelin, ladies and
gentlemen. [cheers and applause]
[Photo of unattractive hotel owner Leona Helmsley]
Well, Leona Helmsley fired a maid this week for
stealing her Victoria's Secret lingerie. [Norm jerks a
thumb at the photo] If you think she looks hot here,
huh? Imagine... if you would, with the ...
And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advises
that men spend two months' salary on an engagement
ring while the American Housing Company suggests that
you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent.
Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends
that you spend all your salary -- on crack.
And that's it for now. Good night, folks. See ya
[Cheers, applause, music. Norm unhooks the microphone
from his necktie, rises, drops the mike
unceremoniously on the desk and quickly exits as we
pull back and fade out.]