Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Kato Kaelin ... David Spade
Marcia Clark ... Laura Kightlinger

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, cracking his knuckles. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald and this is the news:

Last week, as Pat Buchanan announced his decision to run for president, several people jumped on stage chanting, "Buchanan is a racist." As security began to wrestle them from the stage Buchanan stopped them and said, "Let them continue, that's my slogan." ...

Republican presidential candidate Phil Gramm, of Texas, said yesterday that if he and President Clinton met in the general election next year, he would, quote, "Chew him up and spit him out." President Clinton, on the other hand, says that he would take Gramm, deep fry him, dip him in mayonnaise, and swallow him whole. ...

Well, the nerve gas sarin, which was used in the Tokyo subway attack, is a colorless, odorless, substance that swiftly paralyzes the respiratory system, fills the lungs with fluid, and drowns its victims. But it's still better than anything on the Warner Brothers Network. ...

Senator Bob Packwood said this week he favors reduced federal deficit over a tax cut. Then he added that, in case anyone was curious, he prefers nice legs over large breasts.

[Norm glances at a headline which reads: "Judge Gives Ferguson 200 Years in 6 Killings"] Well, how 'bout this, huh? You know, it makes me sick when a society lets a guy like Colin Ferguson live for another two hundred years! It's ... ridiculous, it's crazy! ...

A new study says that people who quit smoking have healthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical journal, "DUH" ... [Image of the October 1994 cover of DUH which features a photo of a doctor and lists a few articles: EXERCISE IS GOOD, MEDICINE CAN HELP, SMOKING IS BAD, EAT RIGHT FOR BETTER HEALTH and CANCER CAN CAUSE DEATH -- cheers and applause]

The ... Hertz rental car company announced this week that it will buy five hundred and twenty thousand vehicles, increasing its worldwide fleet twenty-four percent. In addition, they will try to find a new spokesman who won't kill his ex-wife. ...

And in court, this week, Kato Kaelin testified that O. J. Simpson did NOT appear angry before, or after, the period of his wife's murder. But Kaelin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering her. Might have been, ah... [applause]

Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week, making it the longest job he has ever held. ... [applause]

And now let's take a look at some of his testimony from earlier this week.

[Dissolve to witness stand. Kato Kaelin enters and sits, dropping an entire cup of water in the process. SUPER: Brian "Kato" Kaelin.]

Kato Kaelin: Sorry. [clears throat]

[Throughout his cross-examination, Kato answers questions from the offscreen prosecutor, Marcia Clark, with great gravity and sobriety.]

Marcia Clark: All right, Mr. Kaelin, are you nervous?

Kato Kaelin: A little, yes.

Marcia Clark: Uh, please tell the court, Mr. Kaelin, what it is you do for a living.

Kato Kaelin: I'm an actor.

Marcia Clark: Oh, really? An actor? And what kind of parts have you had, Mr. Kaelin?

Kato Kaelin: I did a couple of horror films and I hosted, ah, "Talk Soup." I think I did a good job.

Marcia Clark: Ah, would you say you did a better job than the guy who hosts it now?

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I would.

Marcia Clark: And do you know the new guy's name?

Kato Kaelin: [thinks hard for a moment] No, I don't.

Marcia Clark: Okay. And how were the ratings for "Talk Soup" when you hosted?

Kato Kaelin: I believe they were very high, somewhere around a one point six.

Marcia Clark: [ironic] Wow. Sounds high to me.

Kato Kaelin: It - it is, for cable.

Marcia Clark: Do you have any other special talents?

Kato Kaelin: I do an impression of, uh, a Stairmaster going to a higher level.

Marcia Clark: Can you please perform that Stairmaster impression for the court?

Kato Kaelin: [glances at offscreen judge for approval, nods, rises self-consciously, pretends to walk on a Stairmaster while emitting a slow low-pitched whining, then flips an imaginary switch, walks faster and emits a high-pitched whining, stops, glances around self-consciously and sits]

Marcia Clark: Uh, that's not very funny, Mr. Kaelin.

Kato Kaelin: [points to someone offscreen] That guy was laughin'.

Marcia Clark: Uh, noted. Ah, noted. It also says here you can do a dog barking. Do you think this is something the court needs to hear?

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I do. [clears throat, imitates a small dog barking]

Marcia Clark: [slightly confused] So, then, Mr. Kaelin, you're saying that was the sound Nicole Simpson's dog made the night of the murders?

Kato Kaelin: No, that's a small dog. I can't do big dogs.

Marcia Clark: Ah, Mr. Kaelin, you're - you're useless.

Kato Kaelin: Yes, I am.

[Dissolve back to the WU desk where Norm nods.]

Norm MacDonald: Kato Kaelin, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause]

[Photo of unattractive hotel owner Leona Helmsley] Well, Leona Helmsley fired a maid this week for stealing her Victoria's Secret lingerie. [Norm jerks a thumb at the photo] If you think she looks hot here, huh? Imagine... if you would, with the ...

And, finally, the Diamond Council of America advises that men spend two months' salary on an engagement ring while the American Housing Company suggests that you spend twenty-five percent of your salary on rent. Interestingly, the U.S. Crack Association recommends that you spend all your salary -- on crack.

And that's it for now. Good night, folks. See ya later.

[Cheers, applause, music. Norm unhooks the microphone from his necktie, rises, drops the mike unceremoniously on the desk and quickly exits as we pull back and fade out.]

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