Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 19

94s: Bob Saget / TLC

A Message From Tony Vallencourt

Tony Vallencourt.....Adam Sandler



Tony Vallencourt (V/O): And now a message from lifelong Boston resident and wicked huge Celtics fan, Tony Vallencourt.


[ TONY VALLENCOURT, a man in his late 20's wearing a mullet and plaid shirt, sits at a desk holding a Budweiser. ]

Tony Vallencourt: Hey there! I'm Tony Vallencourt, speaking here from my sister's desk at the DMV branch near Faneuil Hall in Boston. As you are no doubt aware, the Celtics played their last game ever in the historic Boston Garden. Now the Garden is history and all I have left are a few wicked awesome memories.

Like the time Tommy Gilbody and me were at the Lakers game in September 1984. We were sitting in two of the famous Garden's "obstructed view" seats, under the balcony and behind a wicked huge "po-st". We could see one basket and the lower half of the scoreboard, but not much else. And the 14 shots of pre-game Bacardi weren't making things any clearer.

The temperature outside was 40 below zero and the Garden's heating system, as usual, was "in the crapper". To stay warm, my buddy and I beat the living hell out of two older ladies who were cheering for the Lakers. "We're wife and mothers of the other players", they cried, as we laid into them hardcore with a few pairs of numchucks. I swear to God, at one point, Robert Parrish - the Chief himself - looked up to me and screamed, "Hey psycho! You're ruining the game! Get him out of the Garden!" The security guards, always quick to heed the Chief's instructions, tossed my arse right out onto Beacon Street.

As I laid on the concrete, I thought of one word -- pisser. Then there was the time my buddy Kevin Sheehan got my playoff seats in Section 127, where the floor sinks down and all the rats live. They were there! They were the size of dogs, pally! By halftime, I had been bitten by so many rodents, I was hallucinating. I was wicked-wicked-pisser!

For a while, I imagined I could actually see the court; which of course, was completely hidden behind a collapsed wall and a humungous fat guy! We were torn. Or how about the Celtics versus Sixers 1981? Our seats were in fabled Section 268 -- inside the boiler room. Down a step ladder and behind yet another wicked huge post. What a game!

In the first quarter, Julius Irving had actually blocked one of Larry Bird's jump shots with his giant afro. So at halftime, my buddy Fitzy and I, snuck into the Sixers locker room and shaved Dr. J's head bald. Pisser? I think so, pal.

On our way back to our seats, we spotted those same old ladies from the Lakers game and shaved their heads too! Making the evening even more pisser! If such a thing is possible...

The Boston Garden. There's so much I'll miss. Like the time we stole Moses Malone's size 35 sneaker and used it as a canoe on the Charles River. Or the time we beat up that organ player for not knowing the song "Freeze Frame" by the great J. Geils Band.

So tonight people of Boston, drink an entire pony keg in honor of the Garden. And in the words of Larry Bird, "The McChicken sandwich is a wicked pisser of a sandwich. And, Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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