94s: Bob Saget / TLC
A Message From Tony Vallencourt
Tony Vallencourt.....Adam Sandler
[ CELTICS TITLE CARD - A MESSAGE FROM TONY VALLENCOURT. ]
Tony Vallencourt (V/O): And now a message from lifelong Boston resident and
wicked huge Celtics fan, Tony Vallencourt.
[ INT. DMV OFFICE DESK - DAY ]
[ TONY VALLENCOURT, a man in his late 20's wearing a mullet and plaid
shirt, sits at a desk holding a Budweiser. ]
Tony Vallencourt: Hey there! I'm Tony Vallencourt, speaking here from my
sister's desk at the DMV branch near Faneuil Hall in Boston. As you are no
doubt aware, the Celtics played their last game ever in the historic
Boston Garden. Now the Garden is history and all I have left are a few
wicked awesome memories.
Like the time Tommy Gilbody and me were at the Lakers game in September
1984. We were sitting in two of the famous Garden's "obstructed view"
seats, under the balcony and behind a wicked huge "po-st". We could see
one basket and the lower half of the scoreboard, but not much else. And
the 14 shots of pre-game Bacardi weren't making things any clearer.
The temperature outside was 40 below zero and the Garden's heating system,
as usual, was "in the crapper". To stay warm, my buddy and I beat the
living hell out of two older ladies who were cheering for the Lakers.
"We're wife and mothers of the other players", they cried, as we laid into
them hardcore with a few pairs of numchucks. I swear to God, at one point,
Robert Parrish - the Chief himself - looked up to me and screamed, "Hey
psycho! You're ruining the game! Get him out of the Garden!" The security
guards, always quick to heed the Chief's instructions, tossed my arse
right out onto Beacon Street.
As I laid on the concrete, I thought of one word -- pisser. Then there was
the time my buddy Kevin Sheehan got my playoff seats in Section 127, where
the floor sinks down and all the rats live. They were there! They were the
size of dogs, pally! By halftime, I had been bitten by so many rodents, I
was hallucinating. I was wicked-wicked-pisser!
For a while, I imagined I could actually see the court; which of course,
was completely hidden behind a collapsed wall and a humungous fat guy! We
were torn. Or how about the Celtics versus Sixers 1981? Our seats were in
fabled Section 268 -- inside the boiler room. Down a step ladder and
behind yet another wicked huge post. What a game!
In the first quarter, Julius Irving had actually blocked one of Larry
Bird's jump shots with his giant afro. So at halftime, my buddy Fitzy and
I, snuck into the Sixers locker room and shaved Dr. J's head bald. Pisser?
I think so, pal.
On our way back to our seats, we spotted those same old ladies from the
Lakers game and shaved their heads too! Making the evening even more
pisser! If such a thing is possible...
The Boston Garden. There's so much I'll miss. Like the time we stole Moses
Malone's size 35 sneaker and used it as a canoe on the Charles River. Or
the time we beat up that organ player for not knowing the song "Freeze
Frame" by the great J. Geils Band.
So tonight people of Boston, drink an entire pony keg in honor of the
Garden. And in the words of Larry Bird, "The McChicken sandwich is a
wicked pisser of a sandwich. And, Live, from New York, it's Saturday
Submitted by: Cody Downs