Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
... Laura Kightlinger
Adam West ... Michael McKean
Robin ... David Duchovny
... Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing the paper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald, thank you. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I'm Norm MacDonald and this is the news:

It is now believed that in the months before the Oklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may have sold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh? With that--? ...

A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to be responsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa -- and a couple of really bad movies here in the United States. ...

[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with his arms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by the defense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstrated how to stab two people at the same time. ... [cheers and applause]

A Labor Department study shows that the number of temporary workers rose to two million in 1994. And that study doesn't even include, the most temporary of the temporarily unemployed -- Kato Kaelin. ... [shakes his head dismissively at the joke, chuckles]

Norm MacDonald: Now, we'd like to talk to Laura Kightlinger and find out what she'll be doing over the summer break. [applause]

Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Laura.

Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks, Norm.

Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone, everyone I know will be either getting married or giving birth which means I'll be spending yet another summer ripping up baby pictures and wedding invitations. ... And, you know, I sometimes wonder, you know, should I just force myself to go to these weddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine and let the balls hit my face? ... Hmm. I don't know, it just seems like most of my friends from high school have long since tied the knot and I'm getting older, so maybe I should think about hanging my self. ...

And since most of my married friends have babies, I've just lost all hope for a normal conversation with them on the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh, hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] "Hi, Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say, hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!" [as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I've just taken a handful of pills. ... Can you get your mother back on the phone?" [as hyper, excited mother] "Did you hear him?! He said, "Hi!"

I don't know, I just-- I guess I'm just not convinced that getting married and having babies is the answer. And I know that there are happy marriages but it's because of some freak alignment of souls. And I have a friend who experienced such an alignment. She was the girl in grade school who went blind from sitting too close to the TV and she married the guy in grade school who made a face and it stayed that way. ... In fact, I just got a picture of their lovely toddler who broke his neck from leaning back in a chair. ...

You know, all right, now - now maybe they are a truly happy family -- but families are never what they appear to be. You know, I was in the park and I saw a father playing catch with his two young sons -- and then his wife came over, swore at him, slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And that just hit me so hard -- because my mom never did anything with us.

Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er--

Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?

Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind of happy ending, huh?

Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. It doesn't.

Norm MacDonald: Oh.

Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite my tone, I do believe in love. To me, there would be nothing more gratifying than just lying next to someone that I've been with for years in a safe, sterile environment and allowing that person to do - [chuckles] whatever it is he does - into a laundered towel. ... And, if I can have that, then maybe--

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?

Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is in my future.

Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, I certainly - envy the lucky guy that winds up with you there, Laura. ...

Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that's all right. All right. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger, everybody.

Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after overdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Busey is okay and he should be back in the hospital in no time. ...

Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New York City with only three hundred and eighty-four murders so far this year. Only three hundred and eighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that's still three hundred and seven too many. ... [mumbles] That's what I think.

The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build a three hundred million dollar hotel and entertainment complex in New York's Times Square. Construction begins next spring on their first attraction -- Crack Whores of the Caribbean! ... [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie season is just around the corner and one of the biggest releases this year is the new Batman Forever. Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman, Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacled old actor with the hopelessly square, deadpan delivery]

Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-mania sweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate, than with my new book, "Back to the Batcave" -- a virtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm] For example, old friend, did you know ... that they don't let me wear the mask any more. They've threatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the - Caped Crusader.

Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia] Ahh, that's great, Adam. Hey - hey, how about that new Batman Forever movie, eh?

Adam West: Here's an interesting - bat-fact, old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, you know, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly] He's dead now.

Norm MacDonald: [couldn't care less] That's great. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the new Batman?

Adam West: I wanted to play - Uncle Batman. He - he would be an older, distinguished gentleman -- much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. ... And he would help Batman fight crime! Ha! ... Didn't happen.

Norm MacDonald: Look, ah --

Adam West: Didn't happen.

Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk about the new Batman movie here?

Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I - I have to go. [abruptly exits]

Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies and gentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right, well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah--

[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman's cape and cowl.]

Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!

Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!

Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!

Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah - ah, Batman ... Hey what - what happened to Adam West, wasn't he--?

Adam West as Batman: You mean - millionaire Bruce Wayne? Why, he's at a board meeting at Wayne Industries.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah, seriously, you know, you're not supposed to be wearing that mask and cape in public. You know, somebody's probably watchin'--

Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! If you persist in calling me "Adam," I - I'll be forced to use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, making Norm nervous]

Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah ...

Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It's here on my belt, don't worry!

Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really. They'll - they'll sue you.

Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] I say let them, Norm! Then we'll see who the true Batman is! I'm Batman! Val Kilmer isn't fit to wear my bat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?! Aaagggggghhhhhh!

[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman's youthful sidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts his hands on Adam West's shoulders.]

Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman! ...

Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you, my ward? Help me!

Robin: Yes, Adam.

Adam West as Batman: I don't know where I am.

Robin: I've come to take you home.

Adam West as Batman: Where - where is "home"?

Robin: The bat cave!

Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I'm afraid of bats! No!

Robin: [reassuring] I'll take care of you.

Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little] Thank you, old chum!

[Batman and Robin exit.]

Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies and gentlemen. [applause] And - the other guy, Burt Ward, was with him.

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year, is the really, really, really, really high chair. ...

Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city's elementary school students pledged to stay drug free as a gift to their moms on Mother's Day. Meanwhile, D. C. Mayor Marion Barry ... got his mom a great big box of chocolates. ...

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother's Day message, Weekend Update's own, and my hero, Adam Sandler! [cheers and applause]

Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think of Mother's Day, we always think of flowers and candy and takin' mom to dinner -- you know, nice things. But tonight I thought we should pay a little respect to some moms who don't have it so easy. Single moms. This year there are over eight million single mothers out there in this country alone. Eight million women who have to act as both mother and father. One special day a year just isn't enough for these brave, brave ladies. Call me a feminist but, if you're lookin' for heroes, I'd say these women have Jordan and Gretzky beat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]

But, you know, what - what's weird is, no one takes the time to take care of them, make them feel special. Not just as mothers, but as women. Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I'd just like to say to all you single moms out there, when you're feelin' discouraged -- like it's all just too much for one girl to take -- little Adam's here to make everything all right. ... That's right, mama ... I'm gonna make - I'm gonna make yo' every fantasy come true. [sultry music begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones a spoken monologue over the music, as if on an early '70s soul hit:]

Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy, baby,
What with your body lookin' so right.
But you don't have to be lonely tonight.
You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids ice cream.
Well, I like to eat ice cream, too.
But I hate eatin' it out of a bowl.
Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat ice cream off of.

Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!

Adam Sandler: What?

Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin' a little inappropriate here. ...

Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I'm gettin' to the good part. ...
[light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandler sings]
Turn out the lights, single mama!
Mother's Day is he-ere!
Put away those diapers, pretty darlin'!
Take off that girdle and brassiere! ...
The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama!
Time for the adults to get naughty!
You look so hot in that terry cloth robe!
Let it fall to the ground - oh, Lordy!

[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, and stand behind Sandler, singing.]

Adam Sandler: 'Cause I'm your Single Mother's Day present, baby!

Singers: Ooh, baby!

Adam Sandler: And I can go all night long!

Singers: Ahhh, go all night long!

Adam Sandler and Singers: Not once, not twice --

Adam Sandler: But three times, baby!
And I'll sing you my Turkey Song!

Singers: Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkey doo!

Adam Sandler: I'll do it for you!

Singers: Turkey lurkey dee!

Adam Sandler: Take a big bite out of me!

Singers: Turkey lurkey dactic!

Adam Sandler: I'll make sure to wear a prophylactic!

Singers: Turkey lurkey lie!

Adam Sandler: Sammy Davis, Junior, only had - one - eye!

Singers: Doo, doo, one eye!

[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]

Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother's Day! [waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]

Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That's it, folks. See ya next year!

[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler who waves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to the singers as he removes the microphone from his necktie. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts