Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
... Laura Kightlinger
Adam West ... Michael McKean
Robin ... David Duchovny
... Adam Sandler
[Norm MacDonald sits at the WU desk, removing the
paper clip from his well-organized sheaf of papers.
Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause.]
Norm MacDonald: Hi, I'm Norm Macdonald, thank
you. Thanks. Thank you. [clears throat] I'm Norm
MacDonald and this is the news:
It is now believed that in the months before the
Oklahoma bombing, suspect Timothy McVeigh may have
sold drugs. Boy, is he in trouble now! Huh?
With that--? ...
A deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus is said to be
responsible for more than one hundred deaths in Africa
-- and a couple of really bad movies here in the
United States. ...
[Photo of O. J. Simpson standing in courtroom with his
arms outstretched] Well, in a questionable move by the
defense team, this week, O. J. Simpson demonstrated
how to stab two people at the same time. ... [cheers
A Labor Department study shows that the number of
temporary workers rose to two million in 1994. And
that study doesn't even include, the most
temporary of the temporarily unemployed -- Kato
Kaelin. ... [shakes his head dismissively at the joke,
Norm MacDonald: Now, we'd like to talk to Laura
Kightlinger and find out what she'll be doing over the
summer break. [applause]
Laura Kightlinger: Well, thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Laura.
Laura Kightlinger: Hi. Thank you. Thanks,
Well, you know, June is coming up so everyone,
everyone I know will be either getting married
or giving birth which means I'll be spending yet
another summer ripping up baby pictures and wedding
invitations. ... And, you know, I sometimes wonder,
you know, should I just force myself to go to these
weddings? Or should I turn on a pitching machine and
let the balls hit my face? ... Hmm. I don't know, it
just seems like most of my friends from high school
have long since tied the knot and I'm getting older,
so maybe I should think about hanging my self.
And since most of my married friends have babies, I've
just lost all hope for a normal conversation with them
on the phone. [glumly, into an imaginary phone] Uh,
hi, Karen. Karen? [as a hyper, excited mother] "Hi,
Laura! Wait! Joshua wants to say hello to you! Say,
hi, Josh! Say, hi! Say, hi! Say, hi! Josh, say, hi!"
[as her glum self] Hi, Josh. Listen, uh, I've just
taken a handful of pills. ... Can you get your mother
back on the phone?" [as hyper, excited mother] "Did
you hear him?! He said, "Hi!"
I don't know, I just-- I guess I'm just not convinced
that getting married and having babies is the answer.
And I know that there are happy marriages but
it's because of some freak alignment of souls. And I
have a friend who experienced such an alignment. She
was the girl in grade school who went blind from
sitting too close to the TV and she married the guy in
grade school who made a face and it stayed that way.
... In fact, I just got a picture of their lovely
toddler who broke his neck from leaning back in a
You know, all right, now - now maybe they are a
truly happy family -- but families are never
what they appear to be. You know, I was in the park
and I saw a father playing catch with his two young
sons -- and then his wife came over, swore at him,
slapped the kids, and threw their ball away. And that
just hit me so hard -- because my mom never did
anything with us.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, Laura, I, er--
Laura Kightlinger: Yeah?
Norm MacDonald: I bet this has some kind of
happy ending, huh?
Laura Kightlinger: No. No, Norm. It
Norm MacDonald: Oh.
Laura Kightlinger: But, you know? Despite my
tone, I do believe in love. To me, there
would be nothing more gratifying than just
lying next to someone that I've been with for years in
a safe, sterile environment and allowing that person
to do - [chuckles] whatever it is he does -
into a laundered towel. ... And, if I can have that,
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, maybe what?
Laura Kightlinger: Well, maybe marriage is in
Norm MacDonald: [unenthusiastic] We-e-ell, I
certainly - envy the lucky guy that winds up with you
there, Laura. ...
Laura Kightlinger: You do, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Laura Kightlinger: Aww, thanks.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that's all right. All
right. [polite applause] Laura Kightlinger,
Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after
overdosing on cocaine last Friday. Doctors say Busey
is okay and he should be back in the hospital
in no time. ...
Well, crime is down nearly twenty per cent in New York
City with only three hundred and eighty-four murders
so far this year. Only three hundred and
eighty-four? You know, if you ask me, that's still
three hundred and seven too many. ... [mumbles] That's
what I think.
The Walt Disney Company has announced plans to build a
three hundred million dollar hotel and entertainment
complex in New York's Times Square. Construction
begins next spring on their first attraction --
Crack Whores of the Caribbean! ...
Norm MacDonald: Well, the summer movie season
is just around the corner and one of the biggest
releases this year is the new Batman Forever.
Here, now, with his review, is the original Batman,
Mr. Adam West. Adam? [applause for the bespectacled
old actor with the hopelessly square, deadpan
Adam West: Thank you, thank you. Thank you,
Norm. Hail, good citizens of Gotham. With Bat-mania
sweeping the nation, what better way to celebrate,
than with my new book, "Back to the Batcave" -- a
virtual cornucopia of beloved bat-stories. [to Norm]
For example, old friend, did you know ... that they
don't let me wear the mask any more. They've
threatened to sue me if I appeared in public as the -
Norm MacDonald: [uninterested in bat-trivia]
Ahh, that's great, Adam. Hey - hey, how about that new
Batman Forever movie, eh?
Adam West: Here's an interesting - bat-fact,
old chum: Cesar Romero played the Joker, but, you
know, he never shaved his mustache. Ha ha! [soberly]
He's dead now.
Norm MacDonald: [couldn't care less] That's
great. Hey! What about Val Kilmer? You know, the new
Adam West: I wanted to play - Uncle Batman. He
- he would be an older, distinguished gentleman --
much like yourself, Commissioner Gordon. ... And he
would help Batman fight crime! Ha! ... Didn't happen.
Norm MacDonald: Look, ah --
Adam West: Didn't happen.
Norm MacDonald: Adam, are you gonna talk about
the new Batman movie here?
Adam West: Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon, I -
I have to go. [abruptly exits]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West, ladies and
gentlemen. Adam West. [polite applause] All right,
well, in Russia this week, Boris Yeltsin, ah--
[Suddenly, Adam West returns, wearing Batman's cape
Adam West as Batman: Evildoers, beware!
Norm MacDonald: [unnerved] Ohh, my God!
Adam West as Batman: It is I, Batman!
Norm MacDonald: Ohh, hey, ah - ah,
Batman ... Hey what - what happened to Adam
West, wasn't he--?
Adam West as Batman: You mean - millionaire
Bruce Wayne? Why, he's at a board meeting at Wayne
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, right, hey, Adam, ah,
seriously, you know, you're not supposed to be wearing
that mask and cape in public. You know, somebody's
Adam West as Batman: Let them sue me, Norm! If
you persist in calling me "Adam," I - I'll be forced
to use the bat-ray on you! [grabs at his pants, making
Norm MacDonald: [uncomfortable] Ohh, ah
Adam West as Batman: [reassuring Norm] It's
here on my belt, don't worry!
Norm MacDonald: [chuckles] No, no, no. Really.
They'll - they'll sue you.
Adam West as Batman: [completely loses it] I
say let them, Norm! Then we'll see who the true Batman
is! I'm Batman! Val Kilmer isn't fit to wear my
bat-tights. Do you hear me, Val? Do you hear me?!?!
[Wearing mask and colorful costume, Batman's youthful
sidekick, Robin the Boy Wonder, runs in and puts his
hands on Adam West's shoulders.]
Robin: Holy Not-Taking-Your-Medication, Batman!
Adam West as Batman: Robin? Robin? Is that you,
my ward? Help me!
Robin: Yes, Adam.
Adam West as Batman: I don't know where I am.
Robin: I've come to take you home.
Adam West as Batman: Where - where is "home"?
Robin: The bat cave!
Adam West as Batman: [terrified] No! No! I'm
afraid of bats! No!
Robin: [reassuring] I'll take care of you.
Adam West as Batman: [calms down a little]
Thank you, old chum!
[Batman and Robin exit.]
Norm MacDonald: Adam West again, ladies and
gentlemen. [applause] And - the other guy, Burt Ward,
was with him.
The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an
updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list
this year, is the really, really, really, really high
Well, last Friday in Washington D. C., the city's
elementary school students pledged to stay drug free
as a gift to their moms on Mother's Day. Meanwhile, D.
C. Mayor Marion Barry ... got his mom a great big box
of chocolates. ...
Norm MacDonald: And now, here with a Mother's
Day message, Weekend Update's own, and my hero, Adam
Sandler! [cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you,
thank you. Thank you, thank you. When we, uh, think of
Mother's Day, we always think of flowers and candy and
takin' mom to dinner -- you know, nice things. But
tonight I thought we should pay a little respect to
some moms who don't have it so easy. Single moms. This
year there are over eight million single mothers out
there in this country alone. Eight million women who
have to act as both mother and father. One special day
a year just isn't enough for these brave, brave
ladies. Call me a feminist but, if you're lookin' for
heroes, I'd say these women have Jordan and Gretzky
beat by a long shot. [spontaneous applause]
But, you know, what - what's weird is, no one takes
the time to take care of them, make them feel
special. Not just as mothers, but as women.
Beautiful, beautiful women. So, I'd just like to say
to all you single moms out there, when you're feelin'
discouraged -- like it's all just too much for one
girl to take -- little Adam's here to make everything
all right. ... That's right, mama ... I'm gonna make -
I'm gonna make yo' every fantasy come true. [sultry
music begins; lights slowly dim; Sandler intones a
spoken monologue over the music, as if on an early
'70s soul hit:]
Dat man who walked out on you had to be crazy,
What with your body lookin' so right.
But you don't have to be lonely tonight.
You know, mama, I hear you like to give your kids ice
Well, I like to eat ice cream, too.
But I hate eatin' it out of a bowl.
Maybe you wanna tell little Adam where to that eat ice
cream off of.
Norm MacDonald: Whoa! Geez!
Adam Sandler: What?
Norm MacDonald: Adam, this is gettin' a little
inappropriate here. ...
Adam Sandler: Wait, Norm. I'm gettin' to the
good part. ...
[light changes to a smoky blue; a spotlit Sandler
Turn out the lights, single mama!
Mother's Day is he-ere!
Put away those diapers, pretty darlin'!
Take off that girdle and brassiere! ...
The kids are fast asleep, pretty mama!
Time for the adults to get naughty!
You look so hot in that terry cloth robe!
Let it fall to the ground - oh, Lordy!
[Trio of soul singers enter, dressed in black, and
stand behind Sandler, singing.]
Adam Sandler: 'Cause I'm your Single
Mother's Day present, baby!
Singers: Ooh, baby!
Adam Sandler: And I can go all night
Singers: Ahhh, go all night
Adam Sandler and Singers: Not once, not
Adam Sandler: But three times, baby!
And I'll sing you my Turkey Song!
Singers: Ooooh waahhhh! Turkey lurkey
Adam Sandler: I'll do it for
Singers: Turkey lurkey dee!
Adam Sandler: Take a big bite out of
Singers: Turkey lurkey dactic!
Adam Sandler: I'll make sure to wear a
Singers: Turkey lurkey lie!
Adam Sandler: Sammy Davis, Junior, only had
- one - eye!
Singers: Doo, doo, one eye!
[Song ends to huge cheers and applause]
Adam Sandler: [shouts] Happy Mother's Day!
[waves to camera, shakes hands with singers]
Norm MacDonald: Adam Sandler, everybody! That's
it, folks. See ya next year!
[Music. Norm manfully shakes hands with Sandler who
waves again. Norm nods and waves acknowledgment to the
singers as he removes the microphone from his necktie.