Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 20: Episode 20

94t: David Duchovny / Rod Stewart


Hank Gelfand.....Adam Sandler
Beverly Gelfand.....Chris Farley
Pauline.....David Duchovny

[Open in on a graphic showing a restaurant dinette set with "ZAGAT'S" written at the top in bold white letters]

Announcer V/O: "Zagat's, with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

[The graphic adds the hosts' names before fading away. The camera now shows Hank and Beverly Gelfand sitting in their living room.]

Beverly: Hello, and welcome to Zagat's. I'm Bev Gelfand, and this is my husband Hank.

Hank: (aggravated) What do you want?

Beverly: Hank and I are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary tonight, and we're very excited, Hank and I.

Hank: No!

Beverly: We're going out to dinner for the occasion, but we can't decide where to go. Do you know where you want to go, Hank?

Hank: Go away!

Beverly: Well, maybe we can all find a place in our Zagat's New York Restaurant Guide! (Beverly grabs a Zagat's guide from under the table) Let's take a look together! ( She gives a smile to the audience, and then to a barely interested Hank)

Hank: Dear God, here we go.

[Beverly fingers through the book]

Beverly: Oh, here's one, It's called "Patty's Place" on 12th Street, there's an art decor interior, and an international cuisine. That sounds like a lot of fun! (She gives a giant smile)

Hank: My father said, "Get married." He should rot in his grave!

[Beverly fingers through the book again]

Beverly: How about "Mario's Restaurant"? (reads) "Mini-Pizzas and delish desserts make this Italian eatery a must! Ravioli? Holy Cannoli!" (She smiles once again, Hank shakes his head dissaprovingly)

Hank: Day and night she talks, each word more useless than the next.

Beverly: (still reading) "The City Steakhouse serves the best beef in town, their sensual setting will set the mood for any romantic rendez-vous" Oh, hear that Hank?

[Beverly rubs Hank's leg while giving another giant smile, Adam Sandler starts cracking up]

Hank: Give me cancer now, God!

Beverly: (reading) "Find southern fare at Charlie's, there's fried chicken and first-rate sevice, so come on down y'all, y'hear?"

[Hank grabs the book and rips it up, then there's a moment of silence.]

Beverly: Hank and I have decided to spend a nice quiet evening at home, isn't that right, Hank?

Hank: The book is gone,but the mouth goes on!

Beverly: Since we're staying at home, maybe we can watch some television. Let's find a show to watch in our...TV Guide! (picks up a TV Guide)

Hank: Just when I thought I was out, she drags me back in!

Beverly: Oh, here's one, "Murder She Wrote", Jessica investigates a suspicious Hollywood murder and exposes the real killer. Oh, I just love her, she's so smart! (She gives another big smile)

Hank: See if there's a program about shutting the hell up!

[Beverly gives a quick glare at the camera]

Pauline (V/O): Surprise!

[Pauline walks in, she has a present in her hand]

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy!

Pauline: Hi Beverly!, Hi Hank!

Beverly: Heavens to Betsy, it's my sister, Pauline! What in heavens are you doing here?

Pauline: Well, I knew that you and Hank would be celebrating your 35th wedding anniversary, knock wood (knocks hand on Hank's head) So I thought that I'd stop by with a present! (Gives present to Beverly while Pauline sits down next to Hank)

Beverly: Oh,you shouldn't have, isn't that nice, Hank? Look how pretty it is!

Hank: Please let it be a gun!

[Beverly opens up the present revealing another Zagat's Guide, much to Hank's dismay.]

Beverly: Oh, perfect! Look, Hank, Pauline bought us Zagat's Restaurant Guide. We used to have one but um...Hank misplaced it.

[Beverly gives a taunting look at Hank.]

Pauline: Wait til' you see sis, they've got the greatest restaurants in there!

Hank: I'm in the middle of a moron sandwich!

[Pauline takes the guide and begins reading it.]

Pauline: Oh, here, look (reads) "The Oyster Club, for the best clam chowder in town, all aboard for fine fish cuisine!" Mmm!

Beverly: (imitating a boat) Hoot Hoot! Yummy! Oh, let me take a look.

[Beverly takes the book and flips through it.]

Beverly: (reading) Oh, look, "The Cajun Club for catfish and gumbo galore. Mardi Gras every night, you'll dance with delight" (laughs) That rhymes! That rhymes, doesn't it, Hank? (tickles Hank) C'mere!

Hank: I've got stupid in stereo! (Beverly stops tickling him,Hank takes out some pills from the side of his chair) Sleeping pills, my only friend.

[Pauline takes the book while Hank pours the whole bottle of pills down his throat]

Pauline: Oh, here, my turn. (reads) "Care for chinese food? Try Uncle Chang's, they've got the best egg rolls in town and don't forget the dumplings!

Beverly: Don't worry, I never do!

[Hank falls onto the table, knocked out from his sedatives. Beverly moves into Hank's chair and takes the book from Pauline]

Beverly: Oh, here's a place, let's see, (reads) Oh, "Sullivan's, for Irish food and fun, the fish and chips are fabulous, don't just fill up on the soda bread!"

[The camera shows the graphic from the beginning]

Announcer (V/O): This has been Zagat's with your hosts, Hank and Beverly Gelfand.

Submitted by: Nathan Jorgensen

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