Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 1

95a: Mariel Hemingway / Blues Traveler


Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond
Colin Powell.....Tim Meadows
Bob Dole.....Norm MacDonald

Ted Koppel: The race for the 1996 Republican Presidential nomination is, in a word, unique. Unique in that there are, not one but, two frontrunners - one is Senator Bob Dole, who declared his candidacy on April 10th of this year, and has been leading comfortably in the polls ever since; the other frontrunner, if you will, is General Colin Powell, who, while not officially a candidate, would be leading Senator Dole by a wide margin should he ever enter the race. Both of these gentlemen join us this evening. General Powell, first of all, let me just ask you: It seems the American people would probably literally jump through hoops at this point in order to get you to be the Chief Executive Officer of the United States. Would you buy that?

Colin Powell: Well, Ted, I'm flattered by all the interest, but this whole thing has kind of fallen into my lap, and I need a little time to think it out. I mean, it's not like I've been waiting my whole life to be president! [ laughs ]

Ted Koppel: Alright, fair enough, General.. but if you decide to run, what kind of candidate are you? Democratic candidate, Republican candidate, what?

Colin Powell: Well, does it matter, Ted? [ laughs ] Actually, as of late, I've been leaning towards running as an Independent, that way I get to skip the Primaries and go straight to being President! And then I can spend Primary Season on the beach! [ laughs ]

Ted Koppel: [ also laughing ] If in fact you do enter the race, and I do know at this point it's only speculation, have you given any thought to the team you might select to help you run this country?

Colin Powell: Well, a little. Certainly, Bill Bradley would be a tremendous asset as either a Vice-President or a Secretary-of-State. Perhaps I could coax Mario Cuomo out of retirement to become my new Attorney General. And, with regards to Secretary of Agriculture, I think Senator Dole here would make a wonderful..

Bob Dole: [ his wounded hand snaps his pen in half ] Like hell!

Ted Koppel: Senator Dole, perhaps you have something to say?

Bob Dole: Oh, no, no.. ha ha! I just got something caught in my throat, Ted Koppel..

Ted Koppel: General, your immense popularity persists despite, or perhaps because of, a lack of information about many of your positions..

Bob Dole: [ interrupting ] That's true enough, Ted Koppel! We don't know a lot about the General yet. He's kind of mysterious. But that's good - the American people love a mystery man! An anonymous drifter skulking out of the dogweed on the side of road, hitchhiking his way into Washington. Hey, sounds like a fine choice!

Ted Koppel: Senator, now let me just get this straight.. Are you saying General Powell is some kind of troubled loner, lying in wait with the intention of raping the country?

Bob Dole: Oh, no, no! I'm not saying that! You're saying that, Ted Koppel!

Ted Koppel: I'm saying no such thing, Senator. General Powell is a war hero.

Bob Dole: Oh, he sure is, a war hero, ha ha! Of course, it's pretty easy to be a war hero nowadays. All you have to do is sit back, playing quarters, push some buttons, drinking espresso, letting Schwartzkoff do all the work while you're sitting on your fat ass! Back in WW2, a war hero was somebody who'd jump on a grenade, blow his damn arm nine days to Saturday!

Colin Powell: Senator, I have the utmost respect for your war record, as I think we all do. I saw quite a bit of action myself, over in Vietnam!

Bob Dole: Ha, you did a hell of a job over there, big victory for us, really kicked some ass! Ha ha ha!

Colin Powell: Now, Senator, you're out of line! I commanded some of the finest men I've ever known in Vietnam, and they did a splendid, splendid job!

Bob Dole: Ah, "splendid", "splendid". That's a good word!

Ted Koppel: General..

Bob Dole: "Splendid"! You know who says that word a lot? My wife, and my mother, other women! You know what I find peculiar, Ted Koppel? The General couldn't wait to let homosexuals in the military! Ha, kind of makes a fellow wonder! Yeah, I don't ask, you don't tell - that suits you fine, doesn't it, General? That works out splendidly for you!

Ted Koppel: Hang on, wait just a doggone minute, Senator.. Certainly you're not trying to say or imply that General Powell is just some kind of homosexual?

Bob Dole: Ah, no, no! I'm not saying that, Ted Koppel - you're saying that! I'm just trying to remind the American people where Bob Dole stands on the issues. Prayer in school - Bob Dole's for it! A balanced budget - Bob Dole's for it! Vaginal sex - Bob Dole's for it!

Colin Powell: Senator, I'm happily married, and you know it!

Bob Dole: Ha ha ha! You're happily married, that's right! A lot of people like to drive two cars! You know what I'm talking about, Ted Koppel. The American people need to know when Bob Dole's sitting across a table from Boris Yeltsin, there'll be no "come hither" look in Bob Dole's eyes, I'll tell you that! That's right. Bob Dole's not gonna sell out his country for an erotic back rub from Boris Yeltsin, I'll tell you that right now, Ted Koppel!

Ted Koppel: Senator, are you saying that a President Powell might someday link up with a Boris Yeltsin hanging over him like a shawl, reeking up the White House sheets with the smell of Vodka, sweat and cheap cigarettes?

Bob Dole: I'm not saying that, Ted Koppel! You're saying that!

Ted Koppel: Well, gentlemen, thank you for stopping by this evening. That's all we have time for. I'd like to thank my guests tonight - General Colin Powell and Senator Robert Dole. For all of us at ABC News, I'm Ted Koppel. ABC News, New York, good night.

SNL Transcripts