Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 2







95b: Chevy Chase / Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories

The NFL on NBC

Bob Costas.....Darrell Hammond
Mike Ditka.....David Koechner
O.J. Simpson.....Tim Meadows
Marv Levy.....Will Ferrell

[ title animation plays on the screen ]

Announcer: This is "The NFL on NBC." For week 6, with Bob Costas.

[ dissolve to Bob Costas in the game booth ]

Bob Costas: Good afternoon, everybody. I'm Bob Costas, and we've got a full slate of games for you. And! With me, as always - Mike Ditka. [ wide shot reveals Mike Ditka in the booth with Bob Costas ]

Mike Ditka: Good to see you, Bob.

Bob Costas: Those of you on the East Coast, you'll be getting our featured game - the New York Jets visiting the Buffalo Bills. And! Reporting from the sidelines in Bridge Stadium today, back with us once again - O.J. Simpson. Juice. Juice, welcome back.

[ cut to O.J. Simpson standing on the sidelines, holding up his microphone with a gloved hand ]

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob! Well, the Jets -- [ the audience cheers wildly ] Well, as you know, Bob, well, the Jets, they've gotten off to a rough start. But you've gotta throw off the one-loss record, because there is no love lost between these two teams! [ O.J. nonchalantly waves his other hand to reveal a missing glove ]

Bob Costas: Okay. By the way, O.J. We're all sorry about your.. year-and-a-half incarceration.

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, well, thanks, Bob. And, by the way, if anyone knows, or has any information about the identity of the murderer, just call 1-600-MURDER. It's important that we find the murderer -- [ the audience cheers wildly again ] It's important that we find the murderer. After all, if I didn't do it, that means someone else did. Alright, well, the teams are almost ready to take the field, and, Bob, they look pretty pumped. Right now, I've got Bills coach Marv Levy here. [ Marv Levy steps forward ] Marv, you guys are 3-1 - you must be feeling real good right now.

Marv Levy: [ nervous about being interviewed by O.J. ] Uh.. sure, we feel okay.

O.J. Simpson: Now, Marv, the last time you guys played the Jets, you really killed them! I mean, you guys really went for the jugular!

Marv Levy: Well.. we did win the game..

O.J. Simpson: Yeah, but you know, these two teams, they have a long ugly history. It was only a matter of time before you destroyed them. A lot of people saw this coming for a long time. I mean, all the warning signs were there!

Marv Levy: [ confused ] What?

O.J. Simpson: Well, you know, like you were out of control, or something. You guys were hitting late. You commited one crazy face mask penalty, but.. you got away with it. It was like you just put aside the rules and put matters into your own hands. Like, it was the kind of brutalizing effort that must have made you feel good, but kinda bad, too.

Marv Levy: Uh.. uh.. I-I-I wouldn't say that, I don't think..

O.J. Simpson: But, you know, who could blame you? You guys were on a frenzy! I mean, once the adrenaline gets going, you're not responsible for your actions! Oh, by the way - did you black out at any time?

Marv Levy: I-I'm sorry..?

O.J. Simpson: Now, in the second half, it was brutal! I mean, it was the kind of game where, afterwards, you just want to take off your uniform and dump 'em in a duffel bag, and just get rid of 'em before you catch the Red out of Chicago.

Marv Levy: Uh, we-we never played Chicago..

O.J. Simpson: Well, whatever. But, I guess the real question is: Marv, you beat the Jets, but, in a weird way, do you still love 'em?

Marv Levy: Uh.. I-I can't answer that, O.J.

O.J. Simpson: Alright, guys, you got any comments?

Mike Ditka: Yeah, sorry we didn't make it to your, uh, Not Guilty barbecue, O.J., but we're, uh, glad to have you back on the sidelines and not in the booth.

O.J. Simpson: Okay, well, let's go the telestrater now. Here's a play that your offense has been going over a lot this year. [ takes out pen and draws on telestrater ] Now, you lined up your halfback right behind your quarterback -- [ draws a line going up on the center of the upper part of the screen ( I ) ] -- your tight end has been running a curl pattern -- [ draws a line going down and around on the far right center of the screen ( d ) ] -- Now, when Kelly fakes play action, the defense is frozen.. [ on the bottom right of the screen, he draws a line going up and a line going across it for the block ( T )] -- allowing you a Wide open to be open on the other side -- [ draws a squiggly pattern on the far left center of the screen ( d ) ] -- opening a hole in the middle.. [ draws a line on the bottom of the screen ( I ) ] -- and a seam on the left -- [ draws final line in the middle ( I ), spelling the words "I DID IT" on the telestrater ]

Marv Levy: [ stunned, appalled and scared ] I really gotta go! I gotta go! [ runs away ]

O.J. Simpson: Okay! Well, I'll just watch from a distance, alright?

[ cut to Bob Costas in the booth ]

Bob Costas: O.J., O.J. Why don't you just.. come.. right out and say it?

O.J. Simpson: Alright. It hurts to admit this, but, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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