Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 3






95c: David Schwimmer / Natalie Merchant

Grayson Moorhead Securities I

Arthur Grayson.....Jim Downey

[ SUPER: "Grayson Moorhead Securities. A Tradition of Excellence." ]

Narrator: On Wall Street, trendy investment fads have come and gone over the years, but not at Grayson Moorhead, where we've always stuck to the basic principles set forth by Arthur Grayson nearly 80 years ago.

Arthur Grayson: Our clients must be our first priority.

[ SUPER: "The Tradition Endures" ]

We will take our client's money and invest it. Part of the profit we will keep for ourselves; the rest we will give to the client.

[ SUPER: "A Tradition of Security" ]

We will make a list of our clients, and how much money each of them has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If we have time, we will make a copy of the list, in case something happens to the first list.

[ SUPER: "A Tradition of Listening" ]

Listen to your client. It's the only way to know what he's saying.

[ SUPER: "A Tradition of Trust" ]

If a client is talking, and you're not listening, and he notices, and he accuses you of not listening, just say, "Sure, I've been listening, I've heard every word you've said." If he then says, "Alright, tell me what I've been talking about." Just say, "You've been talking about your investments. Which stocks to buy and so on." That way the client will think you've been listening, even though you haven't.

[ SUPER: "A Tradition of Integrity" ]

We will invest only in white-owned businesses.

Narrator: Not all of Arthur Grayson's principles are followed today, but at Grayson Moorhead we still believe in the basics.

Arthur Grayson: Don't leave the client's money lying around. Keep it in a safe place. For example: where we keep the list.


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