Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Special Ladies

Shop Owner.....Nancy Walls
Robin Walker.....Gabriel Byrne
Woman #1.....Molly Shannon
Woman #2.....Cheri Oteri

Shop Owner: Well, I'm proud to announce that, despite the flash flood knocking out the main road, this is the largest turnout we've ever had for a reading at The Book Worm! It is noew my proud pleasure to introduce to you a man who is not afraid to celebrate the mature woman. The author of The Golden Ache is Missing You - Mr. Robin Walker!

[ the women cheer him out ]

Robin Walker: Oh, thank you. Thank you, ladies, for giving respite to this.. this poet, this traveler, this dreamer. Would you take pity on me, and be my special ladies tonight? [ the women squeal with approval ] Before I read from my novel, The Golden Ache of Missing You, I'd like to share with you some of my musings. I wrote this poem last night, when I was out camping next to my dusty, vintage truck.. thinking about the special lady that I loved and.. lost. [ the women sigh ] I call this one: "Special Lady".

[ recites ]
"Night masks the great Niagra
As I fall, oh fall
in love with you, Special Lady.
Dawn awakens over the Serrengetti
but I won't forgetti
you, my Special Lady."

[ the women squeal in admiration ]

Thank you. You're so.. You're so special. Would anybody mind if I read a passage from my personal diary? [ no complaints ] I, uh.. I wrote this while I stared anagmatically out the window of an Iowa coffeeshop. [ reads ]

"Why is it that older women can't see how beautiful they are? I don't want some teenaged girl, untouched by life's experience. Give me, instead, a woman with eyes worn from witnessing a thousand sunny days, a stomach strecthed from childbirth, her fanny spread from years of sitting behind a desk. Now that is a woman I will make love to in the bayous of Baton Rouge!!"

[ the women squeal excitedly, unable to take it ]

Ladies, before I go on, perhaps you have some questions for this weary wanderer?

[ all the women jump at the chance to ask him a question ]

Woman #1: Mr Walker!

Robin Walker: Yes. Special Lady.

Woman #1: Uh.. if it's not too painful, Mr. Walker.. would you mind telling us about Francesca? The special lady that you loved and lost.

Robin Walker: Yes. Of course. You know,I lost her in a blizzard in Iowa.

Woman #2: What was she like? What was she like?

Robin Walker: She was.. she was the most desirable woman in the world - to me. 55 years old, long graying hair, breasts ripened by gravity, and a lot of bridgework. Oh.. how I loved her.

Shop Owner: You must miss her terribly.

Robin Walker: Yes, I do. You know, I still fantasize about what our.. future might have been like.. Sometimes, I see her at 85, working in her beloved garden, her hands swollen from arthritis. I gently take her cane, she falls into my arms. I carry her slowly up the staircase, her experienced lips meet mine in an endless kiss as I lead her to the adjustable bed. And I tease her earlobe with my tongue, and slowly run my hand along her support hose.. and I know that, without words, she is mine.. forever.

[ the women are silent ]

Woman #1: Um.. um.. we don't like that story.

Robin Walker: I'm sorry? I.. I.. I don't understand..

Shop Owner: Well.. you're talking about having sex with an old lady. Like, somebody's grandmother.

Robin Walker: I prefer to think of them as very, very mature, special ladies. I often think, sometimes, a prune is sweeter than a plum.

[ the women eeuggh ]

Shop Owner: Are you saying you want to have sex with an 85-year-old?!

Robin Walker: Yes! Why not! Love has no age!

Woman #2: I think that's disgusting! [ everyone agrees ] Older women should not be used for your sexual fantasies!

Shop Owner: Old ladies are sweet and innocent! They don't wanna have sex!

Robin Walker: Oh, what hypocrites you are! Oh yes, it's fine to find middle-aged women exciting and sexy! But a women in her golden years is used up? Good for nothing but making doilies and handing out peppermints? Is that what you're saying?

Women: Yes!!

[ the women angrily exit the bookstore ]

Robin Walker: But you're wrong, I tell you! They're beautiful! And desirable! I'll tell you this - thirty years from now, you'll be singing a different tune! Oh, yes! I understand the tangled web of women's emotions! [ they all leave ] Ah, go, you hypocrites!

[ one Old Lady remains seated ]

Old Lady: Young man?

Robin Walker: Yes, Special Lady.

Old Lady: Would you like to have.. a peppermint?

Robin Walker: Oh, yes. I think I'd like that.. very much..

[ the Old Lady walks up to Robin, and falls into his arms as they dance in the middle of the bookstore ]

[ Music Over: "Up Where We Belong", Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes ]

[ fade out ]

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