Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 4

95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Miracles of Genetics

Doctor.....Gabriel Byrne
Husband.....Mark McKinney
Wife.....Nancy Walls
Clone Sammy.....Darrell Hammond
Clone Darlene.....Molly Shannon

[ open on married couple sitting at Doctor's desk, as he enters behind them ]

Doctor: Ah! I, uh.. have the results of your amniocentesis here. Your blood count is perfect. Everything looks fine.

Wife: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

Husband: Oh, thank God, Doctor! What a relief!

Doctor: So. Have you picked out a name?

Husband: Yeah. We like Sammy if it's a boy, and Samantha if it's a girl.

Wife: Kyle really wants a boy, though.

Husband: Oh, hey, come on! I never said that, I never said that! I mean, really, as long as it's healthy.

Wife: As long as it has a penis.

Doctor: Well.. would you like to know what it is?

Husband: You mean, now?

Doctor: Yes. It's up to you, of course.

Wife: I don't know. What do you think?

Husband: What do you think?

Together: Sure!

Doctor: You have.. a boy.

Husband: [ jumps up ] Yes! Yes! A son! A so-o-o-o-o-onnnn!"

Wife: Just as long as it's healthy, right? [ gets up ] So, everything's okay?

Doctor: 100%. You have a normal, healthy, bisexual son. Now, we'll see you again in four weeks. You can arrange it with Susan out front. Thank you.

[ the couple turn to leave, but the husband stops in his tracks ]

Husband: Wait.. I'm sorry, wait.. Doctor, you said normal?

Doctor: That's right.

Husband: You said healthy.

Doctor: Yes.

Husband: You said, uh.. bisexual?

Doctor: That's right. Oh, by the way - we validate now. Susan will stamp your ticket.

Wife: Uh.. how do you know..? You know, about the bisexual part..? [ sits back down ]

Doctor: Well, from the fetus' genetic code. It's all right here, if you know how to read it, of course. Your child - little Sammy - well, he'll be straight until he's in his mid-20's.. then he'll do some experimenting - it'll last for two years, just a phase, nothing to worry about..

Wife: You can tell that? That's incredible.

Doctor: Ma'am, we're doing things with genetics now that seemed impossible just 20 minutes ago. We can tell everything about a baby - his health, his gender, what he'll look like..

Husband: Wait.. you can tell what he'll look like?

Doctor: Oh, sure. Would you like to know? Well, of course, it's up to you.

Wife: I don't know..

Husband: You want to know what he looks like?

Together: Sure!

Doctor: Well, let's see.. he's bisexual, did I mention that?

Husband: Uh.. yes.

Doctor: Well, let's see.. [ checks notes ] His appearance.. he's 5'10", sandy hair.. he'll be bald by the time he's 29.. and dead of a brain hemorrhage before his 62nd birthday.

Husband: Wait, hang on.. he'll be bald by the time he's 29.

Wife: So he won't be in show business.

Doctor: Well, that's true. He won't be in show business. Would you like to know what he will be?

Husband: [ stunned ] You can tell us what he'll do, what he's gonna be?

Doctor: Oh, yes, of course. You see, we're all predisposed genetically towards certain occupations. Would you like to know? Of course, it's up to you!

Wife: I don't know.. do you want to know?

Husband: Why not. Yes.

Wife: Sure.

Doctor: Well, let's see now.. he's bisexual, did I say that?

Together: Yes.

Doctor: He'll be one of two things. Either he'll be a cannibalistic serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer.. or he'll be a high school guidance counselor.

Husband: Well, I see no reason why he can't be both.

Wife: Yes. Is there anything else?

Doctor: Well, let's see.. bisexual.. flat feet, tone-deaf. He'll register as an Independent, but he'll usually vote as a Republican.

Wife: This is so incredible! I'm only in my first trimester, and I feel like I've already met him!

Doctor: Would you like to?

Husband: What?

Doctor: Meet him. Your son. You see, we cloned a sample of his DNA from your visit. It's, of course, easier than doing an ultrasound. And some parents like to keep the clones, so they've got twins. He's, uh.. he's outside.

Husband: [ amazed ] He's outside?!

Doctor: Well, of course, it's up to you.

Wife: You want to meet him?

Husband: Why not?

Wife: Sure!

Doctor: [ into intercom ] Send in the Will boy!

Wife: I can't believe it! Oh, I can't wait to hold him!

[ an adult clone in a hospital gown enters ]

Doctor: Kyle? Lynn? This is your son. Well, as you see, we've accelerated his growth. We can't have a bunch of babies crawling around the place, obviously.

Clone Sammy: Um.. um.. what do you want?

Doctor: Sammy, say hello to your parents.

Husband: Hi.

Wife: Hi.

Clone Sammy: Um.. Sammy? Is that my name? Sammy? Is that the best you could do? Pul-leaze!

Husband: Well.. we were thinking something like Jacob, you know?

Clone Sammy: Jacob? Hmm.. what are we, Jews?

Wife: Well, we're Jewish..

Clone Sammy: Oh.. [ faces the door ] Hey, Darlene? You want to meet my parents?

[ Clone Darlene enters and kisses Clone Sammy ]

Doctor: Uh.. your son met another clone, and they've been dating.

Clone Darlene: So, these are your folks?

Clone Sammy: Yeah. They're Jews.

Clone Darlene: Oh, no way! Our kid ain't growing up without a Christmas tree - I'm serious!

Wife: Your kid?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention - Darlene is two months pregnant. Congratulations, Grandma, Grandpa!

Husband: You mean, we're gonna be grandparents now?

Doctor: Oh, yes. Would you like to know if it's a boy or a girl? Of course, it's up to you!

[ sketch fades, as the issue is contemplated ]

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