Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4





95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Cooking With Keith

Keith Richards.....Gabriel Byrne

[ MUSIC OVER: "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction", Rolling Stones ]

[ Keith Richards stumbles into the kitchen, where two busty wait to assist him ]

Keith Richards: Hello. Hello, everybody. It's about 4am, and I'm ravenous! Welcome to "Cooking With Keith". Right here on today's show, we're going to be making some.. I don't know.. something hopefully delicious. I don't know what is going on exactly.. [ blonde on Keith's left hands him some sort of funky-looking casserole ] Let's have a look, then.. [ grimaces ] That doesn't look too tasty. [ tosses it aside ] So, here today, to help us make this delectable delight, are two very dear friends of mine.. Connie, and.. what's your name again, dear, I'm blanking..

Keisha: Keisha!

Keith Richards: Right, Lisa, right.. They're going to be my, sort of, well, you know, culniary apostles for the duration of the program. Right. Let's get down to the nitty gritty, then. The main ingredients in this sad meat mound are: Bacon.. a lot; some creamy corn; and my favorite, some of those false onion rings - you know, Funyons! If you've eaten all your Funyons - I know they're addictive - pork rinds are good, but Funyons are better. Seriously, never, never, ever get the munchos! [ SUPER: "No Munchos Ever!!" ] Now.. the chuck. Seven and a quarter pounds.. a big-roasted chuck in the pan. I took this out of the freezer box last Wednesday, so it's softened up a bit, as you can see!

Girls: Eeuugghh!!!

Keith Richards: [ pats the chuck ] Now, you see, marinating is a must, because there's nothing more rotten than chewie.. Girls, get the booze. [ the girls pour a glass of booze for Keither, then pour the rest into the chuck pan ] Cheers! [ drinks booze ] So, the chuck is soaking, right? We're having fun now, aren't we? [ the girls agree ] I haven't had this much fun since earlier today, I think?

[ coughs uproariously, the girls have to slap his back repeatedly to fix him up ]

So.. while we're marinating.. it's time for "Keith's Party Tips". [ girls hold up ice trays ] Did you know that if you make your ice with booze, it won't dilute your drink, 'cause it adds even more booze. I got that one.. I got that one from Phil Spector! What ever happened to that cat? Right.

The next move, then, is the flour. I've got a good way to do this - you might want to do this yourself.. [ takes out a blade and cuts the flour into lines on the countertop ] Right? You see, cooking is like music to me - suddnely it just comes to me, right? I've got very little to do with it, really.. I'm like a.. well, I'm like an antenna. Right. So.. you get your flour, and you dust your chuck with it, right? And then you make it all kind of juicy, right? Keep it juicy. Now, you've got to put in the stuff.. [ the girls load the pan with misceelanous items lying on the countertop ] You know, we were supposed to cook a spring chicken today.. but Bill Wyman took it on a date! [ laughs ] Right. Margarine.. oh, one of me rings has just fallen in.. [ grabs the butter ] Now.. you've got Mr. Butter.. [ holds the container to his face and opens the lid halfway ] "Hello. Parkay!" [ laughs ] Right! [ chunks the butter container into the pan - Keisha retrives it, opens the container and grabs handfuls of butter to put into the pan ] I know you're thinking I've probably got the Old-Timer's Disease, because I've forgotten the creamy corn! Mr. Creamy Corn, get over here! [ grabs the creamy corn and slops it into the pan ] You put it all in here like this, see.. and it goes around in a moat, all around a creamy tower. Right? Time to cook the mother! [ suddenly stands catatonic - Keisha pounds his chest, bringing him back to life ] Oh! Thank you. [ picks up the pan and turns toward the microwave ] What we're gonna do now is.. is.. we're gonna put it in the microwave.. [ opens the microwave and pulls out a funky dish ] Kow! What's this?! It's last week's Goat's Head soup! [ pushes it aside, and puts his Funyons dish in instead ] Right. So, you put this in here, close the door, press the zapper. Right? So.. while we're cooking our meat for a length of time.. [ microwave sparks and sets on fire ] ..anyway.. that's it, really. Join me next week when we'll be making Chicken Tartar - won't we, darling? Right.

[ Keith and girls play air-guitar as the show closes ]


SNL Transcripts