Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4





95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Riker's Island

Warden.....Gabriel Byrne
Officer Mohr.....Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, Riker's Island Prison ]

[ fade to interior, Warden's Office ]

Warden: [ into his intercom ] Send in Officer Mohr! [ Officer Mohr enters ] Have a seat, we need to talk.

Officer Mohr: Yes, Sir. [ sits ]

Warden: As you know, after three months we assess your performance as a guard here at Riker's Island.

Officer Mohr: Yes. I know.

Warden: I've decided to.. well, Son, this is never easy.. but you're fired.

Officer Mohr: Why?

Warden: You're, what.. 5'8", 140 pounds? Do you realize that the average inmate here is 6"4", 240 pounds?

Officer Mohr: Uh, yes, Sir. So?

Warden: Now, aside from the basic training you received at the Corrections Facility, what other combat or self-defense training have you had?

Officer Mohr: Uh.. my sister taught me how to fight.

Warden: That's all? Nothing beside your sister? No karate, martial arts, boxing?

Officer Mohr: No. No.

Warden: Now, in the 90 days you've worked here, how many fights you been involved in?

Officer Mohr: 360, Sir.

Warden: And how many of those were with prisoners?

Officer Mohr: 270, Sir.

Warden: How many of those fights did you win or control?

Officer Mohr: None.

Warden: And in 90 or so other fights, those were with..

Officer Mohr: Other guards, visitors, and you.

Warden: So, I hope you understand why we have to let you go.

Officer Mohr: Well, I'll work harder, Sir!

Warden: Look, Officer Mohr, let me make this clear, okay? Of the 270 fights with prisoners, you were raped how many times?

Officer Mohr: 274 times.

Warden: Right! That's why I think it's better if you find other work. It's for your own safety, and you have no future in the Department of Corrections.

Officer Mohr: Well, may I say something in my defense, Sir?

Warden: Sure.

Officer Mohr: Well, I know it's not the most glamourous career in the world.. but I love my job!

Warden: Uh-huh.. Of the 90 fights with people other than prisoners, how many of them ended in you being beaten and raped?

Officer Mohr: 89.

Warden: 89.

Officer Mohr: Well.. thanks to you.

Warden: That's okay. [ pause ] Now, at the prison talent show, how many ended with you being beaten and raped.

Officer Mohr: Uh.. the vast majority, Sir.

Warden: The vast majority?!

Officer Mohr: All of them.

Warden: And how many chapel services ended with you being beaten and raped?

Officer Mohr: All of them.

Warden: Right! You see, we just can't have you here, Son.. it's disruptive. We want our guards to put the Fear of God into these prisoners, not the Joy of Sex!

Officer Mohr: Right. I understand.

Warden: Also, I want you to understand that this is nothing personal between you and me, because, hell, I admire your courage and dedication and your ability to heal.

Officer Mohr: Thank you, Warden. May I also point out that there was not one escape during my appointment here?

Warden: Because nobody wanted to escape! Now, this isn't easy for me, Son.. but turn in your nightstick and your identification!

Officer Mohr: [ stands up ] Well, Warden, if that's the way you want it. But I'm telling you, I'll be a prison guard somewhere! If not here, then at a smaller, more violent, minimum security prison - I promise! You're not stopping me, you're only inspiring me!

Warden: Just get out of here, you idiot! [ sees Officer Mohr removing his uniform ] What are you doing?

Officer Mohr: Well, I came into the prison naked, Sir, and by god, I'll leave naked!

Warden: [ into his intercom ] Will you send in a couple of guards to escort this idiot from the grounds?

Officer Mohr: I won't need you! I'll show you how tough I am! [ exits office ]

Warden: [ looks out into the hall ] Would somebody get that idiot before he.. [ the sounds of the guard being beaten and raped by the other inmates in the hall can be heard ] Oh, boy.. [ sits down at his desk as the scene zooms out to fade ]


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