Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 4




95d: Gabriel Byrne / Alanis Morrisette

Spade in America

.....David Spade

(Opens with the Spade in America with David Spade logo. David sits at his desk. Rocky Mountain Way plays)

Announcer: And now Spade in America with David Spade.

David Spade: Whoo, thanks. Good crowd, good crowd. Ok, well, as you know tonight was game 6 of the World Series. The battle of the tribes. And last Tuesday I went to Jacob´s Field in Cleveland for game 3. And before the game started I was allowed onto the field to film stuff, an honor that was only granted to only 3 VIP´s. Myself and Mike and Matty. So, here´s what happened while I was out there.

(cut to David wearing a baseball uniform in the empty stadium)

David Spade: People, you decide. Empty stadium or Foghat reunion concert.

(David is all alone in the stands)

David Spade: Slow ride!!

(Foghat´s "Slow Ride" plays)

Foghat: Slow ride, take it easy....

(cut to David talking to a couple of bat boys, one black, one white)

David Spade: Have you ever had to bring a bat to a player, that had a cracked bat?

Black Kid: Yeah, sometimes. When they start walking into the dugout, so I know the bat´s cracked so I just take whatever bat that I have in the bat rack and just take it up to him.

David Spade: Ok, have you ever had to bring crack to a player that was at bat?

(White kid cracks up, black kid has a nervous laugh)

Black Kid: No, no.

(cut to David around first base)

David Spade: You know what I can´t take? It's these new guys that never been on TV before and they get a booky little single and they always have to haul ass around first base like it could possibly be a double. They´re like...(David runs through first base, watches towards the centerfield) "Uh, what´s that? (David turns back to first base) I´ll just head here at first" That´s right, Will. Did you think that was a double? Did anybody? That was such a single. That was so not a double. I wanna cry for you and then punch you in the face.

(cut to David talking with a security guy with sunglasses)

David Spade: Hi, I´m here with Mike Donelly who is the head of security here at Jacob´s Field here in Cleveland. Mike, I like to ask you a question. Have you ever had to arrest anyone for re-broadcasting a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball because its strictly prohibited?

Security guy: Nah.

David Spade: I have. (snickers)

(cut to David on one knee next to third base)

David Spade: You know, when you´re home watching on TV, things look different that they actually are here on the field. The bases look like square white bags on TV. But in reality they´re actually two tires placed on each other. (two small tires are on the floor) So weird. Cause on TV, (cracks up) they look like bases... (still cracking up) its a funny joke, people. We didn´t even set that up. It's real.

(cut to a shot of The Pretenders singer Chrissie Hynde)

Announcer: And now, welcome Cleveland´s own Chrissie Hynde for the singing of tonight´s National Anthem.

(cut to David later on with Chrissie)

David Spade: Someone told me that they wanted you to sing "Back on the Chain Gang" on the O.J. trial. That´s not true, is it?

Chrissie Hynde: No.

(cut to David around third base)

David Spade: Here´s my impression of Motley Crue coming around third base. ( he jogs in slow motion) " I´m on my way...Home Sweet Home...Tonight, tonight...(makes evil sign) I love the devil....set me free...

(cut to David with baseball star Mark Wohlers)

David Spade: Is it possible to strike out somebody with one pitch? Because I´ve seen someone do it. His name? Bugs Bunny! He goes niah, niah, niah...

(cut to famous Bugs Bunny cartoon of him pitching one slow pitch and 3 guys swing at the ball missing)

Cartoon Voice: 1, 2, 3 strikes! You´re out! 1, 2, 3 strikes! You´re out! 1, 2, 3 strikes! You´re out!

(Mark Wohlers cracks up)

(cut to David with baseball star Chipper Jones)

David Spade: Before the game starts and people are filing in, do you sometimes look at the stands and figure out how many people it takes to just pay your salary that night?

(Chipper Jones cracks up laughing hard)

(cut to David on the field)

David Spade: Welcome back to MTV Sandblast! Where the blue team is ahead of the red team going into the slip and slide event. Let´s watch.

(cut to David back with Chipper Jones)

David Spade: I just wanted to know if sometimes when people are standing next to you on your team do they say: (sing) "Meeeee and Chipper! Chipper Joooones! Chipper Jones, Chipper Jones."

(Chipper laughs hard)

(cut to baseball star Tom Glavine)

Tom Glavine: This is Tom Glavine. Back to you in the studio.

(cut to David at his desk)

(Applause)

David Spade: Yeah, all right. Thank you, thank you. Tom Glavine, my correspondent. By the way, congratulations Tom on winning the MVP and Atlanta winning the World Series tonight. My thanks to the Indians and the Braves for their hospitality and I will see you next week.

(Spade in America logo)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


SNL Transcripts