Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 5

95e: Quentin Tarantino / Smashing Pumpkins

Clara Turley's Bible Challenge

Clara Turley.....Nancy Walls
.....Quentin Tarantino
.....Molly Shannon
Stan Hooper.....Norm MacDonald

Clara Turley: Hello. I'm Clara Turley. Welcome to the "Bible Challenge", where we meet and rejoice in our knowledge of the Good Book.

Contestants: Praise the Lord!

Let's meet our contestants. [ camera pans to Southern Baptist ] Dr. Gene Spaulding is a visiting Biblical scholar at Southern Baptist College in Atlanta. Welcome, Doctor!

Dr. Gene Spaulding: Thank you!

Clara Turley: [ camera pans to a nun ] Sister Penelope Keller works as a missionary in San Salvadore. And, of course, Stan Hooper is back. [ camera pans to punk drinking beer and smoking a cigarette ] Stan is our defending champion, he's won 47 games in a row. Hello, Stan.

Stan Hooper: Hey, how's it hanging!

Clara Turley: It's hard to believe that just a few months ago, Stan was living in our halfway house doing odd jobs around the school. And now, he's the world-famous authority on the Holy Scripture!

Sister Penelope Keller: Clara, I would like to say that it is an absolute honor just to be sitting next to Mr. Hooper.

Dr. Gene Spaulding: I feel the same way. Stan Hooper's an inspiration to us all!

Clara Turley: Praise the Lord! Well, let's get started! This is a $20 question: "How many years were the Israelites in Egypt?" And the answer is: "430." Dr. Spaulding, did you know that?

Dr. Gene Spaulding: No, ma'am, I did not.

Clara Turley: Ohh.. that's too bad. Sister Keller?

Sister Penelope Keller: Uh, no, Clara, I did not.

Clara Turley: Ohhh.. I'm sorry. Stan?

Stan Hooper: [ mouth full of hamburger, he rings a bell in front of him ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 ]

Clara Turley: That's terrific, Stan! You're off to another great start! Question 2: "Who said, 'Oh, Earth, Earth, Earth.. hear the word of the Lord.'" And the answer is: "Jeremiah."

[ pause ]

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ is handed $20 more ]

Clara Turley: Oh, Stan, if only there were more people like you! Now, be careful, this is a trick question: "What did God say to Abraham at the time of the sacrafice?" And the answer is: "Nothing. Because it was the angel who spoke, not the Lord."

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Oh, yeah, I knew that one! [ is handed $20 more ]

Clara Turley: Good!

Sister Penelope Keller: [ suspicious, rings her bell ] Uh.. Miss Clara, I knew that one, too!

Clara Turley: Oh, my.. well.. let's see.. Which of you knew it first?

Sister Penelope Keller: Well, I knew it as soon as you said "Abraham."

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah! I knew it before that. I knew it when you said.. something about a trick question?

Clara Turley: You know the rules. Stan wins again. Now, let's take a break and read some letters. [ holds up letter ] "Dear Clara, we just adore Stan Hooper. Tell us more about him. Does he still do odd jobs?"

Stan Hooper: Uh.. no, no. I quit my job. I'm doing this show full-time now.

Clara Turley: Here's another one: [ holds up letter ] "Where did Stan Hooper learn so much about the Bible?"

Stan Hooper: Hey, Clara, listen.. can we get back to the game now? Time is money, you know? Praise to God!

Clara Turley: Of course. For $50: "Who is the patron saint of France?" And the answer is: "St. Denis."

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, I knew that!

Dr. Gene Spaulding: [ rings his bell ] Excuse me, Clara? I don't mean to be blasphemous.. but it occurs to me that when Brother Stan says he knows the answer.. well, he might be lying.

Clara Turley: Well.. I.. I don't know what to say. I.. I suppose it's possible.. It's true the forces of darkness are everywhere. But there's only one way to find out. Stan, are you lying?

Stan Hooper: No!

Clara Turley:I am so relieved! [ Stan is given his $50 ]

Dr. Gene Spaulding: Brother Stan, can you ever forgive me?

Stan Hooper: Oh, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. Hey, let's get on with thie game! How about that Bonus Round?

Clara Turley: Alright! Our Bonus Round. For $100: "How many orders of angels are there?" And the answer is: "Nine."

Stan Hooper: [ ring bell ] I knew that one!

Clara Turley: Ah, but can you name them, Stan? For $100 each?

Stan Hooper: [ [ starts to panic ] Well, let's see now..

Clara Turley: The answers are "Angels.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that! [ money starts piling up ]

Clara Turley: "..Archangels.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, that's right!

Clara Turley: "..Seraphim.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Sure, Seraphim..

Clara Turley: "..Cherubims.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Cherubims..

Clara Turley: "..Powers.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, the Powers!

Clara Turley: "..Thrones.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah!

Clara Turley: "..Virtues.."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yeah, I knew that one!

Clara Turley: "..and Dominions."

Stan Hooper: [ rings bell ] Yes, I knew that, too! I know them all!

[ the other two contestants applaud Stan's knowledge ]

Clara Turley: Well, Stan, you are ahead again! No surpise there. So, you get to answer our Bible Challenge of the Week. It's worth $1,000. Now, we've been researching this one all day, and it's a dilly. Do you think you can handle it?

Stan Hooper: Well, I'm a little nervous..

Clara Turley: Here we go.. [ music rises ] Oh, heavens We're out of time. Maybe next week, Stan..

Stan Hooper: [ rings his bell ] Hey, hey, hold on there! Excuse me, but I knew the question you were gonna ask.

Clara Turley: You do?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah.. and I know the answer, too. [ turns around and grabs the prize money out of the dish ]

Clara Turley: Well, Saints be praised! You are a remarkable man! Stan, will you come back next week?

Stan Hooper: Yeah, yeah, sure.. I think I can make it.

Clara Turley: Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for giving us this opportunity to rejoice in your Word.

[ fade to black ]

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