Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 6









95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

Air Force One

Bob Dole.....Norm Macdonald
Newt Gingrich.....Darrell Hammond
Denise Pamillan.....Cheri Oteri
Ken Pamillan.....Will Ferrell
Flight Attendant.....Nancy Walls
Captain.....Mark McKinney
Passenger.....Paula Pell
Reporter.....Steve Higgins

FADE IN:

[ NBC News footage of Air Force One taking off from Ben Gurion Airport. ]

[ SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE, TEL AVIV TO WASHINGTON ]

[ NBC News footage of Presidents Clinton, H.W. Bush, and Carter in the Conference Room. All are smiles, despite leaving the memorial service for the late Israeli Prime Minister: Yitzhak Rabin. ]

Reporter (V/0): Doing good, Mr. President?

President Clinton (V/O): Yep… sure is… at least up front!

[ All three presidents exchange a light laugh. ]

[ INT. AIR FORCE ONE – REAR CABIN – DAY ]

[ Senate Majority Leader BOB DOLE and House Speaker NEWT GINGRICH are seated. ]

Newt Gingrich: Ya know, Bob -- I simply can’t believe he made us sit back here! I just can’t believe it!

Bob Dole: Yeah, I can’t believe the size of these damn nuts!

[ Senator Dole lightly shakes a bag of airline peanuts. ]

Bob Dole: Damn outrage! Nothing but nut dust!!!

[ Senator Dole shakes the bag too hard, and all the peanut dust spills onto Speaker Gingrich’s suit. ]

Newt Gingrich: Oh God!!! Has any other Speaker of the House been subjected to this total lack of respect!?

Bob Dole: Pip down, Gingrich -- we’ll fix his wagon when we get back to Washington, D.C.!

[ A FLIGHT ATTENDANT strolls by with a tray of scones. ]

Newt Gingrich: Excuse me, ma’am? Those scones are looking mighty tasty. Could I just have one of those?

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry, these scones are for the President. Now, when I come back, I’ll try to scrounge something up for you and the Senator. Okay?

Bob Dole: Ah, that’s wonderful! Bob Dole’s been serving this country for 50 years, and has to now beg for a biscuit?

Flight Attendant: You a little cranky today, Mr. Senator? Please tighten your seat belts. Okay? Thanks!

[ Both Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich fasten their seat belts, which are nothing more than white nylon rope. ]

Bob Dole: I’ll show her cranky! It won’t be long before I’m riding up front all the time, now that Powell pushed out.

[ A flock of chickens roam the main aisle. ]

Bob Dole: Damn chickens!

Newt Gingrich: What the hell!?

[ NBC News footage of President Clinton appearing content. ]

Captain (V/O): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Captain speaking. We’re currently flying over the Mediterranean at an altitude of 38,000 feet. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage service in the Presidential Cabin. And in the Rear Cabin, you folks there can purchase your beverages for $3.50.

[ Senator Dole starts to unfasten his “seat belt”. ]

Bob Dole: $3.50 for a drink!? I’ll clean his redneck clock!!!

Newt Gingrich: Bob, Bob, Bob!!! C’mon, just relax! He’ll pay for this when we get back to Washington. We’ll shut down the whole damn government if we have to!

[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich share a hearty laugh and clasp hands. ]

Bob Dole: Sounds good!

[ DENISE & KEN PAMILLAN pop out from their seats, which are behind the two political leaders. ]

Denise Pamillan: Excuse me, excuse me… are you Bob Dole? And are you Newt Gingrich?

Newt Gingrich: Yes, ma’am!

Ken Pamillan: Wow! I’m Ken Pamillan, and this is my wife, Denise!

Denise Pamillan: Hi!

Ken Pamillan: We’re the winners of the “Win a Flight on Air Force One” contest.

Denise Pamillan: This is like a dream come true for us! We’ve never won anything before! But now, here we are -- sitting with two big politicians!!!

[ The Pamillans share a loud laugh. ]

Ken Pamillan: All thanks to the folks at the Kellogg’s Cereal Company!

Denise Pamillan: No, it’s thanks to you, honey -- I didn’t have the patience to save up 500 Box Tops!

[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh and return to their seats. Senator Dole stops the flight attendant as she comes by. ]

Bob Dole: Ma’am, ma’am… I’m begging! A saltine, a French fry… anything! What do you have here?

Flight Attendant: I’m sorry, but with the President on board, there aren’t a lot of leftovers.

[ Speaker Gingrich chuckles. ]

Bob Dole: Ha, ha! President likes to eat. What a great barrel of laughs…

Captain (V/O): In a few moments, we will begin today’s movie presentation. In the Presidential Cabin, we’ll be showing “Casino”, with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. And in our Rear Cabin, we present “The Beastmaster”, starring Tanya Roberts.

Ken Pamillan: Did you hear that, guys!? “The Beastmaster”!

Denise Pamillan: Pinch me, Ken! Because I must be dreaming!!!

[ The Pamillans share another loud laugh. Ken holds a can of soda in front of Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich. ]

Ken Pamillan: You guys want a soda? Because we have an extra.

Bob Dole: Give me that!

[ Senator Dole & Speaker Gingrich battle over the soda. Senator Dole wins. ]

President Clinton (V/O): Bob…Newt…

[ PRESIDENT CLINTON, only backside visible, whisks through the Rear Cabin to shake hands with Pamillans. ]

President Clinton (V/O): How ‘ya doing? How’re you enjoying your flight so far?

Newt Gingrich: Mr. President, we’re hoping we could talk about the budget?

President Clinton (V/O): Maybe later, Newt. Listen, Donna Shalala is in the can up front, so I’m just gonna use yours!

[ President Clinton departs. ]

Bob Dole: Mr. President, Bob Dole has flown on Air Force One over a 100 times and never had to --

[ A goat in the main aisle starts licking Senator Dole’s shoe. ]

Bob Dole: What the hell!? Is that a goat? Good Lord! Mr. President…Mr. President!? Gosh, dammit!

[ Senator Dole tosses his soda can at the nearest window, which cause it to shatter. Air Force One starts to lose cabin pressurization, and almost sucks out a female PASSENGER, who screams in terror. Speaker Gingrich struggles to save her. ]

Newt Gingrich: What in the world!? Now, look what you’ve done! What do you have to say for yourself?

Bob Dole: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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