Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 21: Episode 6

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95f: Laura Leighton / Rancid

The Fortune Teller

Madam Sophia.....Laura Leighton
Stan Hopper.....Norm Macdonald
Beverly.....Nancy Walls

(Opens with a shot of Madam Sophia's Tarot Cards Readings shop. Signs advertise Psychic and Reader Advisor. Cut to inside of the shop)

Stan: Hello. Anybody here? Hello. Anybody around? (Madam Sophia emerges from one door)

Madam Sophia: Hello. I'm Madam Sophia.

Stan: Hey, cool. I got this card for my birthday. It says I'm entitled to one free reading. I don't believe much in that stuff. But what the heck?

Madam Sophia: Yes. Have a seat.

Stan: OK, thanks fortune lady.

(They both sit down in front of a table with a crystal ball in front of them. She gives the tarot cards to Stan)

Madam Sophia: Cut the cards.

Stan: All right. There you go.

(Madam flips cards in front of Stan)

Madam Sophia: Now I'm gonna tell you about your past, your present and your future.

Stan: OK, if it's free tell away. Tarot cards, huh? Cool. Fortune stuff.

Madam Sophia: I see that you have a very large family.

Stan: Yes, yes large family, that's true.

Madam Sophia: You have 7 brothers and sisters.

Stan: Hey, hey! That's right!

Madam Sophia: Yes, but you were especially close to your sister.

Stan: Wow! Yes, I am! That's cool!

Madam Sophia: Your sister misses you and all her other brothers. John--

Stan: Uh, huh.

Madam Sophia: Ben, Michael you're Stan--

Stan: Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Richard and Phil.

Stan: Good Lord! That's incredible!

Madam Sophia: You were all so happy back in Ohio.

Stan: Yeah, we were. Yeah.

Madam Sophia: Back in your hometown---

Stan: Oh, yeah, man we loved that place.

Madam Sophia: Your hometown of Dayton, Ohio.

Stan: No!

Madam Sophia: It's not Dayton?

Stan: No! it's Cincinnati. It's not even near Dayton! Jeez!!

Madam Sophia: Well, lets move on. (Hand gestures over crystal ball)

Stan: Dayton! Dayton! (Jerks thumb at the Madam)

Madam Sophia: You miss your sister.

Stan: Yeah, yeah I miss her, yeah. Hey! you know what else I miss? Dayton! Oh, yeah good old Dayton! I'll never forget that place.

Madam Sophia: Your sister hasn't told you something. It is a family secret. It concerns a man named Jerry Hoster.

Stan: Jerry Hoster. Yeah, yeah. He was a handyman who worked in our farm in Cincinnati - or as you may know it, Dayton!

Madam Sophia: This Jerry. He was a very bad man.

Stan: Ohh, he's the baddest man in Dayton!

Madam Sophia: The secret involves your mother. She reached a violent end...with a hatchet.

Stan: Yeah, she was murdered with a hatchet, if that what you're referring to.

Madam Sophia: They never solved the murder. They never found her killer.

Stan: Yeah, there were no witnesses. Yeah, them Dayton police just couldn't figure it out. (Jerk thumbs again and grins at her)

Madam Sophia: Wait! There was one witness. Your sister!

Stan: My sister? My sister saw the murder?

Madam Sophia: That's why she's troubled! She repressed the memory of who killed your mother.

Stan: Really?, who did it, who did it!

Madam Sophia: It was....I can't see it....I can't.

Stan: Who was it? Who was it?

Madam Sophia: Only your mother knows. I can summon her spirit if you like.

Stan: Yeah, yeah summon her spirit.

(Madam Sophia closes her eyes and chants)

Madam Sophia: Beverly! Come to us! Beverly your son needs you! Beverly come to us!

(Beverly's head floats upon Stan's and the Madam's heads)

Beverly: Stanley!

Stan: Mom! Is that you?

Beverly: Stanley, I can hear you!

Stan: Oh, my God! Mom! I miss you, mom!

Beverly: I miss you too Stanley.

Stan: Mom, did we ever live in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: You ever been to Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: Did you ever consider living in Dayton?

Beverly: No.

Stan: OK, mom so just for the record, I want to be absolutely clear any of our family even remotely connected to the city of Dayton?

Beverly: No, but son I love you.

Stan: OK, thank you. Thanks a lot.

(Mother's image disappears)

Madam Sophia: Ask her about the murder. She's leaving!

Stan: Yeah, well she's probably on her way up to Dayton. Don't worry about it. Hey, look lady this has been a lot of fun, you know but I got to get going. Good birthday present. Been a hoot.

Madam Sophia: No, wait! I see who killed your mother. It was the handyman.

Stan: What? Jerry?

Madam Sophia: Yes, and he's nearby. If you leave this room you'll be killed exactly like your mother was...with a hatchet!

Stan: Oh, yeah, well I better be careful. OK, bye-bye fortune lady.

(Gets up and leaves)

Madam Sophia: No,!

Stan: OK, bye-bye. Take care.

(Madam Sophia gets up and looks from her door at Stan and screams)

Madam Sophia: Aaaahhh!!!!

(Stan comes back in impaled by a spear, the point sticks out of his belly)

Stan: Well, well, well.....looky here! Yep, somebody threw a hatchet at me, all right. Yeah, that's a hatchet. You know how I can tell? By it's giant spear-like shape! Yeah, no doubt about it! Hey!,I'll tell you what, maybe I'll go now, I gotta get back to Dayton, maybe I'll chop down a tree with my shiny new hatchet! (Waves the spear around with his body) Huh? Dayton, Dayton. Good Lord!

(Leaves, Madam Sophia is left horrified)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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